feeling weird around gender??

[oliver-kittycat]

for context: i'm a trans ,,, demiboy?? not entirely sure.

anyway i came out to my parents as a trans guy probably a year and a half ago. they were,, i guess understandably cautious about it, as i was kind of obsessive over it at the time. i think i needed time to figure myself out, but i've had time, and that's where the trouble comes in.
i dress femininely but i want to be perceived as a boy wearing a dress, not a girl. that is basically impossible while i'm in this limbo of being half-in the closet, because anything i do explicitly to be seen as more masculine will (at least in my head) be seen as going too far by my parents -- for example, i was talking a while back about cutting my hair back to a style i'd had before, which was basically shaved sides/back and hair falling a bit over the eyes in front, and my dad asked something like "this isn't just so you'll seem more boyish, is it?" and i said no, but like. i guess now it kind of is??

I just really wish they supported me in this. i think, really, they think it's just a phase and i'll eventually see the error of my ways or whatever and just be a girl.
okay i'm being a bit dramatic, they're good and pretty reasonable people, but the essence of the thing is that as far as i can tell, they really don't want me to be trans. not that they're transphobic, i think they're just worried that i'll be hurt or targeted because of it??

i'm out to my friends, and some of my cousins, who call me by my correct name and pronouns, but,,, not only do i not think my parents will let me socially transition at this point in time, i also think it'd be pretty hard to do so? because i've changed my name socially a couple of times already, and so it feels like a bit much to ask, to have everyone change how they refer to me again

yeah in conclusion i'm just. kind of tired of being referred to wrongly, but also i'm a little unsure how to proceed if i do socially transition? or even how to let my parents do that?? any advice would be greatly appreciated

[Sam W]

Hi oliver-kittycat,

Would it be helpful to brainstorm some ways to socially transition that wouldn't require much, or any, help from your parents? That could give you a little more room to explore without having to face down that bigger conversation with them about your identity.

Speaking of which, do you have a sense of how your parents feel about trans folks more generally? And when you say they were cautious when you first came out to them, can you say a little more about what that involved?

[oliver-kittycat]

hi Sam!

yeah, i think that'd be good!!

They're reasonably respectful of trans people as far as I can tell. I have a nonbinary cousin who they do try to refer to correctly, and I know my dad puts his pronouns in his username in his zoom meetings for work, so I don't think that's the problem ahaha.
By "cautious" I mean that I basically wanted to socially transition immediately, and they wouldn't let me. They did let me use the name Kaz instead of my deadname, though (which i think was kind of a compromise? It almost sounds like a nickname of my deadname). They've never used my correct pronouns. Like I said I think I needed the time to explore my gender more, but it did kind of hurt that they weren't more supportive about it.

[Sam W]

Okay! So, you're already doing quite a few of those things, like asking people to use the correct name and pronouns for you. Some further options you could look into would be around gender expression gear, and what things help you feel more about home in your own skin: Trans Summer School: Gender Expression Gear. Depending on what social media you use, having your name and pronouns be what you want them to on those platforms can be another element in social transition that doesn't require help from anyone else.

Do you feel like you're ready to have the "okay, I've given it time, and I still want to be called by these pronouns/this name" conversation with your parents? Because that's certainly something we could help you brainstorm here if that would be helpful.

[oliver-kittycat]

Thanks for the resources!! However, I don't really feel like I could use many of these? I don't think I'd be able to get even a free binder sent to me without my parents questioning what it is, because I don't get many parcels, and since my boobs are pretty big they'd definitely notice if I suddenly don't appear to have any. Also I do like presenting femininely, at least with my clothes, and I don't think I'd have any trouble getting masculine clothes anyway.
I guess I could get my hair cut? I don't think my parents will stop me doing that. They might, like, quietly judge me or whatever, I don't know (I feel like I'm painting kind of a bad picture of them, but they're actually very good parents in general haha)
I also have most social media with my correct name/pronouns, it's just WhatsApp I don't have it on because I have contact there with a lot of people I'm not out to

Mmm maybe?? Not quite yet I think, but I'd like to brainstorm!!

[Sam W]

Okay! With the transitioning bits, if you want to get your hair cut, that's absolutely something to try to see how it feels (after all, if it turns out not to be your thing, it'll grow back).

With the conversation with your parents, let's start with a thought experiment: in a perfect world, how would that conversation go? Where would you have it, how would you explain things, how would they react, things like that.

[oliver-kittycat]

Hmmm well,,

I guess I'd ask them to talk privately, then talk about how I think I've had enough time to explore my gender and say what I'd like to happen -- a social transition, so name and pronouns, and they've made it very clear they're against me having a medical transition (hormones/top surgery -- I don't particularly want that either so it'd be fine) so I'd reassure them that I don't plan on it. In a perfect world as you said, I guess they'd agree and help me come out to family??
Maybe after a while when I feel like they're comfortable enough, I'd ask if I could get a binder, if not I could probably just wear my swimsuit under my clothes or something. That compresses my chest pretty well.

Yeah I guess that's how I'd hope it'd go

[Sam W]

Okay, I think that gives you a really good starting place for that conversation! You've explained what you want to tell them really clearly here, in a way that hopefully they'd respond well to. Now that we have the "perfect world" scenario to start from, a useful next step is to think about their most likely reactions, and how you would respond to each. That can help you feel more prepared going into the conversation.

[oliver-kittycat]

I honestly can't really imagine what their reactions would be aha. I think maybe I'll just have to talk to them and see how it goes?

I don't think I'm quite ready yet though, not sure when I will be, but I'll wait a while and see what happens
Thank you for your help!!!

[Sam W]

You're very welcome! And it's totally okay to not feel ready yet; you get to have these conversations at the pace that feels right to you.