However, during the summer, there is almost nothing besides this that I actually like, I'm just addicted to watching videos and playing video games. The only other things I really like is listening to music (which actually often puts me in the mood for romantic/sexual fantasy) and the occasional times I chat with my friend on gmail (whom is the first person I've ever had a crush on).
The only other thing I feel much emotion in is quite negative, because when I'm with my dad and stepmother (my parents are divorced), I cannot explain why but I just can't get along with them. I don't mean to imply that they are bad or abusive or anything - quite the opposite. But I really just, can't, can't get along with my dad, and I feel really guilty and sad about being, frankly, such an asshole to him.
Anyway, my fantasies have been a lot more intense lately, and I have been significantly more physically attracted to people when I do go out for a summer camp or something, and finding it not quite as easy to not stare at a girl's breasts. I suppose it's become a little distracting.
I feel like it complicates things a little bit. I desperately want to make friends (last year, 9th grade, was basically the first time in 5 or 6 years I've been able to have normal social interactions with others my age). But I have always just preferred to be friends with girls than boys, idk why, but at also my age most of the boys are just... very annoying or plain assholes (I live in suburban utah =/).
I guess I'm a little worried about this next school year. It might be a little overwhelming if I try to make friends with people I find very sexually attractive (at an age where that kind of thing is, on the horizon I guess but not really quite there yet), the idea of trying to make friends with the boys kind of disgusts me, but I also really want to make friends. It seems like it would be hard to emotionally distinguish between someone I might pursue a romantic and sexual relationship with, and people I can just talk to and have fun with as friends.
I guess I also feel a little worried that I might make them feel uncomfortable or awkward by trying to be friends with them, and even moreso how I would respond if somebody pointed that out. I do think I can handle not being creepy or stuff like that beyond trying to be a friend, honestly I find it perplexing how some people act like that. I'd guess it's my lack of self-confidence, because that's what happens when you're in "'"'"'"'"special"'"'"'"'" "'"'"education"'"'" for 5 years
![Mad :x](./images/smilies/icon_mad.gif)
idk how to end this, sorry it's so long.