Fantasies about sex during summer (and friends next year)

[Estobawk]

Very often I find myself imagining a romantic/sexual encounter, getting in my bed and using blankets as props I guess. Though I tend to imagine I myself as female (and imagining the other person as female too). This is one of the few places I genuinely enjoy myself or feel much emotion at all. A lot of the time I try genital masturbation, but I pretty much never feel very much, emotionally or physically when I do that.
However, during the summer, there is almost nothing besides this that I actually like, I'm just addicted to watching videos and playing video games. The only other things I really like is listening to music (which actually often puts me in the mood for romantic/sexual fantasy) and the occasional times I chat with my friend on gmail (whom is the first person I've ever had a crush on).

The only other thing I feel much emotion in is quite negative, because when I'm with my dad and stepmother (my parents are divorced), I cannot explain why but I just can't get along with them. I don't mean to imply that they are bad or abusive or anything - quite the opposite. But I really just, can't, can't get along with my dad, and I feel really guilty and sad about being, frankly, such an asshole to him.

Anyway, my fantasies have been a lot more intense lately, and I have been significantly more physically attracted to people when I do go out for a summer camp or something, and finding it not quite as easy to not stare at a girl's breasts. I suppose it's become a little distracting.
I feel like it complicates things a little bit. I desperately want to make friends (last year, 9th grade, was basically the first time in 5 or 6 years I've been able to have normal social interactions with others my age). But I have always just preferred to be friends with girls than boys, idk why, but at also my age most of the boys are just... very annoying or plain assholes (I live in suburban utah =/).
I guess I'm a little worried about this next school year. It might be a little overwhelming if I try to make friends with people I find very sexually attractive (at an age where that kind of thing is, on the horizon I guess but not really quite there yet), the idea of trying to make friends with the boys kind of disgusts me, but I also really want to make friends. It seems like it would be hard to emotionally distinguish between someone I might pursue a romantic and sexual relationship with, and people I can just talk to and have fun with as friends.
I guess I also feel a little worried that I might make them feel uncomfortable or awkward by trying to be friends with them, and even moreso how I would respond if somebody pointed that out. I do think I can handle not being creepy or stuff like that beyond trying to be a friend, honestly I find it perplexing how some people act like that. I'd guess it's my lack of self-confidence, because that's what happens when you're in "'"'"'"'"special"'"'"'"'" "'"'"education"'"'" for 5 years .

idk how to end this, sorry it's so long.

[Elise]

Hi there Estobawk, it sounds like there’s a lot that’s going on for you that is quite intense and in some cases new for you at the moment. You might find it comforting to hear that you are very much not alone here, many young people experience awkwardness/concern about having platonic friendships with people they could be romantically and or sexually attracted to, experiencing more intense sexual feelings/desire and also clashing with their parents/the adults in their lives. This isn’t to dismiss that that is your personal experience or to say that doesn’t make it tricky to deal with, but more to reassure you that you’re not alone and many of your peers will be in a similar spot at the moment.

With regards to making new friends, you may find that it is actually easier to speak with femme folks you meet at school in the new academic year than it might have built up in your mind when you’re worrying about it. That said, feeling a bit of awkwardness and needing to consider the appropriateness of your body language is normal, and something that you’ll have the opportunity to practise with making new friends. If you set out with the mindset that your potential new friends are individual people, and getting to know who they are rather than thinking about them as just whether you’re attracted to them or about them physically, that is a great place to start. Does that make sense?

With regards to clashing with your Dad at the moment, it sounds like you are concerned about treating him and others well, which shows that you care about others. Would you like to tell us a bit more about what you’d like to do differently or where you are clashing? You might find our article: How to Clash with Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics helpful, too!

Finally, if you are finding you have a bit of anxious energy or feeling quite tense/pent up at the moment, have you tried doing a daily physical activity, whether that’s going for a walk, sitting in nature, dancing or something else? These things have been shown to be great at releasing energy and helping our central nervous systems feel more calm, even just a few minutes. Is that something that sounds like it could be useful to try?

[Estobawk]

You mention physical activity, and while I was reading the article, it mentioned "self care," which is something I have been struggling with for a long time. It was better in the school year, but not great, but now in the summer I really don't take care of myself as much as I should. In fact, I think that's a big part of the conflict with dad - he and my step-mom especially have been very worried about me because of that, but I've constantly been struggling with them whenever they try to help me. The only other thing I really know is that the way my dad talks to me just... gets on my nerves somehow, I don't know why. It's also very frustrating because often when they ask what's wrong I feel helpless as to how to actually put what it is I'm feeling into words (that's another thing that's difficult for me).
I live in a place where it gets exhaustingly hot during the summer, and that makes it pretty hard to go out on a walk or something because the only viable times where it's actually comfortable at all are the mornings and evenings. I'm rarely up early enough for the mornings and I'm rarely in the mood in the evenings, anyway. As for sitting in nature, I live in the suburbia and especially in the summer (can you tell I don't like summer), it's very bright, hot, barren, and kind of depressing. Honestly, I don't understand why so many people like summer so much, to me it's not a good time at all.

You did mention dancing, though? Sometimes I find myself dancing around and acting out some of my thoughts/emotions at the time.

So yeah, a lot of the time I kinda feel helpless and... worthless? I guess, because of that. Honestly, that also kind of pours into my fantasies, as I'm thinking about how things might happen in real life and I just get this feeling of gloom because I feel like I'm unable to take care of myself or others or do difficult things.

[Michaela]

Hi Estobawk,

I hear you on the grueling heat during the summer; the hot summer is not my favorite season either. It is totally understandable that you are having more trouble at the moment taking care of yourself and that's great that you can recognize that and are wanting to take steps to improve.

First, I want to offer a few more self-care ideas to see if any of these resonate with you. In terms of movement, dance is definitely one of my favorites but you could always hop onto YouTube and search up a 20 min yoga or exercise video to do indoors with A.C., of course. There are also things you can do to nourish your body like making refreshing snacks. One of my favorites is experimenting with different popsicle and smoothie recipes! And then there are smaller things that may not seem like self-care at first glance but are also about being present and intentional like having a morning ritual whether that is making coffee, breakfast, a nice shower, etc., or designing playlists since you mentioned that you enjoy music. In terms of nature, tending to a couple of house plants can also be a great way to have some "green time." There is a much more extensive list in this article that you should take a peek at to give you more inspiration: Self-care: A La Carte! Do any of those ideas sound right for you?

It's good to hear that your parents are looking out for you even though it is leading to some conflict at the moment. Do you think that trying to talk to them about the things you mentioned in your last post might be something that could be helpful for you? You did a great job of starting to express what you are feeling (even the frustration of when they try to help) and by sharing some of this with your parents they may be able to support you in more productive ways. If you want we can help brainstorm how to have a conversation with them or what supportive help from them could look like? Or if you would rather focus on self-care more privately at the moment, we can, of course, keep talking about that as well.

I didn't touch on some things from your earlier post about sexual fantasies and navigating friendships which we can dive back into if that is a direction you are wanting to take this conversation, too.

[Estobawk]

I have talked to my dad/stepmom several times, but it seems I don't really know how to make a commitment to help myself and stuff, and they don't really know what they might be doing wrong or how else to help me, so both parties are kinda frustrated.
I like a lot of those self-care ideas, but I really struggle with putting things like that into practice or keeping them going. Partly because I struggle with spending too much time on screens, which can also interfere with sleep sometimes, though I have gotten a LOT better with the sleep over the last year. It's something I don't really like about myself.
I also do want to talk about the sexual fantasies and desires lately, its kinda just my style to sort of ping-pong from all the different topics I want to discuss in any conversation. It helps me to process my thoughts into words a lot easier, but sometimes I feel a little silly because of that.

[Michaela]

Hi Estobawk,

I understand how that can lead to quite a bit of frustration from both sides. Plus, you're right, it can be very difficult to put something like self-care into practice and maintain it, as well. I'm curious if you have thought about or have a therapist who could more actively support you with some of these goals you have for yourself? If there are any specific self-care ideas or screen time hopes you have for yourself we could also help talk through what might be some good ways to break down those ideas into something that feels manageable, sustainable, and doable for you.

No worries, about ping-ponging around on ideas. I was simply wanting to make sure that we didn't drop a topic that was important for you. What about your sexual desires and fantasies lately do you have the most concern about?

[Estobawk]

I do have a therapist, but he's been on paternity leave most of the summer. He's a very good therapist though and I think I have some appointments coming up with him. I'll probably bring up some self-care stuff with him.

Sometimes it's gotten a little distracting. I've had a couple of weeklong classes this summer, and both times I've had a it of difficulty concentrating on what the teachers were actually saying and part of that I think was the fact I felt very sexually attracted to one of the teachers/girls. And like in my first post, I'm a little bit concerned about that for the next school year, as well as the fact that I tend to make friends/talk mostly with the people I also happen to be attracted to.

I keep trying to masturbate to relieve it or fulfill it or something, at least a little bit, but I don't feel much at all. I've looked through several articles and posts on this website but I'm not really sure what to do, and it is a little frustrating/disappointing because I feel good emotionally but not physically at all.

I ultimately, though, feel very excited and interested in having a romantic and indeed sexual relationship. I also happen to not be excited or interested in or feel much at all about almost anything. When I think about it, sometimes I really just feel happy or good or excited, which have been somewhat unknown emotions to me (thanks, special education), but I also feel a little bit of... I dunno what to call it, though I have called the overall feeling the oxymoronic "melancholy excitement." I think I feel a little down in the fact that I have very poor self-confidence, especially when it comes to social skills, and as we've already talked about I struggle with self care, and that feeling kind of slowly wears on me.

[Valerie J]

Hi Estobawk!

It sounds like a lot of emotions have been coming through lately that can be very overwhelming. Some of the things you discussed in the bottom paragraph sound similar to symptoms of depression. This might be worth bringing up with your therapist when you meet with him. I know you said you are feeling good overall but then in the final paragraph it sounds like those emotions are not fully lasting or deeply impacting you. It could also be about learning to process positive emotions, like you mentioned. I think there is a lot worth exploring with your therapist because all of these things are connected. Our mental health impacts our sexuality -- it could be impacting the lack of "fulfillment" you have mentioned previously.

I have a couple articles I would like you to read and let me know how you feel about them. I want to preface it by saying I am not assigning any of the labels used in these to you. I just think there are a lot of relevent sections that may be helpful.

Sex on the Brain: Sex and Autism, Mental Illness, and Other Cognitive Diversity

This piece speaks to topics of communication and connection that you mentioned having some anxiety around. I think it might be worth some self-exploration on what communication looks like to you and what works for you and what doesn't. Being able to connect with anyone, regardless of platonic or romantic interests, is something that doesn't come naturally to everyone and thats okay. I think trying to focus on general relationships, before applying it to romantic relationships might be a good place to start.

The next section in the piece that might be helpful is about mental illness and sexuality. I think this again would be a good topic to discuss with your therapist.

Autism, Romance And How We See Other People

This piece I am mainly bringing up to discuss something you mentioned a few posts ago. I know your attraction to women lately has been very much focused on their physical bodies. While it is perfectly natural to feel physical attraction to someone else, I think it's really worth trying to pursue seeing those women as whole people like Elise previously mentioned. While attraction can be a very strong emotion, it is crucially important that it is paired with an understanding of that person's humanity and wholeness beyond their appearance. I think it will also help you make friends and connections easier. It's not inherently bad to be attracted to your friends or people in your life; in fact that's very common. But it is always important to try to remember their wholeness at the same time.

A follow up question about masturbation: Is the physical sensation not fulfilling for you or is it an emotional thing? Or both?


Finally, I think its really important for you to have a little patience and kindness for yourself during this time. Self-Care is tossed around a lot like its a casual thing but frankly, it's hard as hell! It's not something you need to be embarrassed or feel shame around. Even adults struggle with the most basic tasks because life is hard. Mental health is exhausting. And its okay for you to accept help from others. There is no shame in needing others. We all need other people. By nature, humans are interdependent. We rely on each other to live every day. But we've been tricked into thinking that makes us lesser. It doesn't. I'm wondering, do you feel like your frustration with your parent's trying to help comes from that? Or does it feel more like you are not entirely sure what WOULD help? Because that's a new avenue to explore.

You talked about the stress of social skills and I just want to highlight exactly how exhausting that can be. Social dynamics are made up and its widely expected that we all just get it right away without any direct communication. It ends up being a guessing game if those dynamics do not come easily to you. You are not failing by not understanding them. There is a standard that is being upheld that is not achievable for a lot of people. So then comes judgement when cues are missed. Social skills can be developed in various ways and can be personalized to what works for you.

What type of communication works for you? How does hanging out with someone feel best? Are you doing an activity together? Are you doing activities side by side? Are you sitting in silence or listening to music? Is conversation about day-to-day life exciting or overwhelming? Does talking about your favorite thing in detail sound exciting? All of these questions can help ease anxiety or shame around social skills. If you can figure out what works for you it will be 10x easier to communicate that to new friends.

Let me know what you think about all this.
-Val

[Estobawk]

I have been pretty surprised honestly, because when I have been talking to people I've found that things seem to come strangely naturally to me despite my almost complete lack of having social interaction for several years (thank you sped). I like talking to people quite a bit. My worries are there with like initiating a conversation, which I find to be kind of nerve-racking at times or just completely clueless on how to do it, and a little awkward too. I kind of wish others would initiate more often, to be honest. All of this also applies to talking about something new or different or something. I also sometimes don't feel like I pick up on social cues as well.

The physical sensation of masturbation just... isn't much, at all to me. I think I said before, I've tried looking through some of the pages and posts on this website but I'm not sure what to do.

I've been circling around in my head for hours about how to respond to the part about physical attraction.
I'd add that I also have been feeling pretty attracted romantically to people as well, and part of that is seeing people just interact and talk and do stuff, generally exerting their personality. A year ago you could have asked me what I thought romance and stuff, I'da said, "blug" or "i don't think about it" depending on my mood. Sometime around thanksgiving, I had made a friend at last. But I was just feeling like an empty shell and generally emotionless. I wanted to have people to talk to, to have somebody to talk to, to share feelings with. I wanted comradery. I wanted to get to know somebody. I wanted humanity, essentially. Then I wanted to be more personal, caring, deep with somebody. More intimate. I was fourteen. Since then I've developed a lot of feelings and desire, romantic and sexual, and recently, the sexual part of that has become more intense and I wanted somebody to talk to about that, that's why I made this post.

Oh, and I've been chuckling this whole time because "self-care" is sometimes used as a euphemism for masturbation.

[Michaela]

Hi Estobawk,

I think you are keenly aware of one of the hardest things about social interactions which is starting them and keeping them going. That is something that most people struggle with at different times or in different situations throughout their life and it takes a whole heck of a lot of practice. If there are specific times you find the most trouble starting a conversation we could help brainstorm good conversation starters or talk through different social cues if there are difficult moments you are thinking about, in particular.

In terms of masturbation, it sounds like masturbating is not something that is very enjoyable for you at the moment. What would you think about taking a break from it for a little while to focus on other things that you do find enjoyable? As you noted in your post, romantic and sexual desires are changing for you, and so your feelings around masturbation may ebb and flow as well. At the moment, it sounds like you are masturbating or relying on that self-pleasure to "fix" something else but that it is not particularly coming from a desire to masturbate, am I getting that right? By putting expectations on masturbation that would definitely be affecting your experience and most likely make it much less physically enjoyable. As I'm sure you've read in some of our articles, the mind is the most important sex organ.

Everything you described around developing more romantic and sexual feelings sounds very normal for someone your age and those desires are something that a lot of people on this planet also share. I want to make sure I'm understanding your main concern about your sexual desires right, so correct me if I'm wrong. It sounds like you are concerned about wanting to be friends with and interacting with people who you also find attractive (whether that is romantic or sexual). This is something a lot of people navigate at different times in their lives, and I completely see how it is feeling a little overwhelming at the moment as these feelings of sexual and romantic desire are new. Something that may be helpful is focusing on understanding and respecting boundaries of what a relationship with that person looks like, friendship, acquaintance etc. And exploring a platonic relationship with them and staying connected to how you are feeling, after all your feelings can change as you get to know a person in another way. Those can be difficult things to sort through, not to mention the whole array of social cues.

I'm curious have you ever tried journaling or writing out your feelings to help you sort through them? Things you could journal about are what type of attraction you may be feeling towards a person, why you think you may be feeling that way, pro's and con's on talking to that person about your feelings, how you think they might feel about you, also some of the things Elise and Val mentioned of who that person is more holistically etc. etc.

[Estobawk]

I think that what you said about masturbation makes a lot of sense, I think a lot of the time I'm not particularly excited about that itself. But occasionally, I feel like I am and I want to self-pleasure from that, and even then I don't feel much.

I did try to keep a bit of a journal a while ago, but I didn't really keep doing it for more than a couple weeks. That does seem like something I could try again though. I don't really know how to talk to someone about my feelings though. I suppose that's how everyone feels at my age. And what about others having feelings about me? Typically I've been the one to initiate a conversation or a friendship so far, and the line between just liking someone as a friend and having more romantic feelings about someone seems kind of blurry. I wouldn't want to presume or get too excited if I thought someone I had interest in had feelings for me, but I'd also like to know if they did.

I don't like it and feel uncomfortable talking to someone in earshot of other people, regardless of friendships, platonic, romantic, or sexual feelings / interests, and stuff.
Also, just like starting to talk about something. Once there is a conversation going I don't struggle as much.
I struggle to say 'hello' or something like that, but it's really more nervous / awkwardness than not knowing what to say.
I find it hard to start talking to someone after they sat down or something, it's like I only start a conversation as soon as they sit down and if I didn't then I don't talk to them at all. I struggle with this because it usually takes me a bit to think of something to say or talk about.
I am also just concerned about making other people feel awkward by talking to them or sitting down next to them, sometimes even more than I am about how I feel myself.

[Sofi]

Hi Estobawk,

I was wondering if either of the articles Val sent were helpful? I don't want to overwhelm you with readings, but you mentioned you were browsing our site and couldn't find much, so I want to send a couple more pieces that I think have useful info in them:
Embracing Newbiehood: How to Approach Dating and Sex in Your 20s With Little or No Experience -this one is about starting to date in your 20s, which you still got a way to go until you get there, but it still has info relevant to what you've discussed with us so I believe it's worth the read!
Anxiety Lies. -this piece is about anxiety, I wanted to send it because it sounds like you deal with some of it (I know we discussed depression too). It's okay to struggle with social interactions and the good thing is, there are strategies we can all learn to make it easier! It also gets easier with experience, so you gotta put yourself out there and try it so you'll feel more and more comfortable with it, especially with initiating conversations. The anxiety part I'm referring to is thinking you're making other people feel awkward by talking to them or sitting next to them. This is a very common thought anxiety brings up, so I was wondering if you feel comfortable talking about that with your therapist, or if you already have in the past?

[Estobawk]

Both of Val's articles covered some ground I was already pretty familiar with. I feel like there's some miscommunication, my reference to looking through the website but not really knowing what to do was mainly about masturbation, though that article you linked seems pretty helpful. I'll probably bring some things about anxiety up with therapist when I see him next.

[Estobawk]

I know this one has gone on for a bit. All of the discussion and time for me to think has helped me to figure out how to say what I've been meaning to.
I want to have things that I enjoy doing or find interesting, and other things to do in general, like self-care. One of these things I already want to do its make and talk to friends. Right now I'm stuck circling in my head about these romantic and sexual fantasies for a lot of my time and the most of the rest I'm not taking good care of myself. Having these thoughts and feelings and potentially exploring them later on is really neat and cool and all, but constantly having it on my mind with little to break it up is overwhelming in a more depressing than exciting way. I want to make friends (something not terribly accessible in the summer), and I've found that I enjoy taking to people a lot, but I also have a lot of anxiety and I'm also concerned about handling platonic relationships, having physical attraction and sexual thoughts often about those same people I want to be friends with, and a strong desire to pursue a romantic and potentially sexual relationship with someone. I feel pretty excited about experiencing sex and figuring all that out, but so far self-pleasure hasn't felt very good or fulfilling, and I haven't felt like I'm learning about my own sexual body in that process either, and masturbation is often just a force of habit, but even when I do want to, I still don't feel much.

I think you've all given me some good advice and stuff to think about for all this. Hopefully it's also helpful for other people reading these posts. If you have anything else to add then please do. Thank you all.

[Elise]

Hi Estobawk, it sounds like you've had the opportunity to do some great self reflection, and I'm glad to hear that the articles and discussion have helped you with that. Also, it can be pretty tricky to do that reflection when you are having to think about how things aren't what you'd ideally like them to be, so that can take some real personal strength to do. I think that talking to your therapist about this as a next step is a great thing to do. If it helps, you could even read your summary to him.

If you have any further thoughts or questions you would like to share, we are here for you on the boards and our other direct services