messy polyam first date

[tinygoblin]

hey, three weeks ago i had a date with a polyam guy. i've decided that i don't want to see him again but i'm still thinking about the date afterall bc it confronted me with some stuff i haven't thought about and still can't answer. the date was pretty nice! we met in a cafe and talked for a long time, took a walk and then he kinda stayed at my place for a bit. he asked if he could, and i said yes, even though in hindsind i was too tired and not entirely comfortable with that.
there are two questions i have: one ist regarding him being polyam. we met on an dating app and i knew he had a boyfriend and was completly fine with it. however, meeting him he mentioned his boyfriend quite often and told stories about being attracted to other people. i'm completly fine with him thinking other folks are hot but personally i consider it rude to point this out when you're on a date with somebody else esp if you don't know them well enough to know that this is ok. it made me uncomfortable and ashamed bc i struggle a lot with figuring out how (sexual) attraction works for me and if it's a thing that happens or is a personal requirement for my romantic relationships - and also, it made me feel like not being attracted to a lot of folks means i cannot be polyam.it's nothing that he implied or outright said though, it's entirely me being insecure. is it fine for me to say that to future people i date, that i don't want to talk about their dating history or their partners and don't want to disclose my experiences unless i get to know them better bc it is something thats emotional for me? and can i disclose this to somebody or does them liking to talk about that early just means that we won't be compatible anyway?

the other thing is, him tellling the story about how he met his boyfriend which included them having sex on the first date kinda made me feel pressured to hook up with him later ( i kinda asked about him coming out as polyam even though i suspected it's nothing i feel really good talking about). hooking up was completly consensual as i initiated and he was super nice and asked for consent during the interaction and everything. but i really regret it as i haven't felt attracted to him (yet) and did not feel aroused even though it did not make me feel uncomfortable, afraid or anything else bad. i just did it bc i knew he liked me, i thought he was nice, really missed nonsexual touch and he's the only person in a long long time that i wanted to go on a date with. i felt extremly shitty afterwards as he told me he enjoyed our date and would like to see me again. but i faked my whole performance of attraction and faked an orgasm and i do not want to base relationships on things i'm not actually feeling so i declined seeing him again.
the bad part though - i've been thinking about him quite a lot and i really regret not allowing myself the time to see if i develope attraction and not throw myself into hooking up when i'm not feeling it thinking it's stuff i'm supposed to do or they won't want to get to know me if i don't want to do sexual stuff. also, i'm pushing people away pretty quickly and i would have really liked to see how i feel after seeing him the first time and giving this whole thing a chance to feel more secure and explore if i feel attraction after a couple of dates.

cutting that thing off felt like the right decision but i still regret it - especially as i genuinly liked him and i don't see myself being interested in somebody else soon (i'm activly online dating at the moment but all the other folks where meh). I've texted him after the date that i don't think he's the right person for me and that dating is emotionally exhausting for me, but i feel like i don't actually know if it won't click bc i don't actually got to know him that well. and after i calmed down from being full on in panic i kinda wanted to see him again to give this whole thing a chance instead of pushing it all away, but how the f*** do i explain the whole situation without it beeing oversharing? and i don't know if it will stress me out when i say "hey i'd like to see you again even though i said i don't and i'm not sexually attracted to you but i would like to get to know you?" and he agrees but still is sexually attracted to me. i'm really stressed out and i know it's 100% fine to let this rest and not contact him on purpose but i activly want to change and be more open to people but i'm unsure if this might be a decision out of fear, instead of pushing my comfort zone in a good way and really sticking up for myself.

[Logan W]

Hi tinygoblin,

I do have a couple questions just to clarify: is this your first experience with polyamory? And is polyamory something you are interested in exploring for yourself? I do want to say right away that you don't have to be attracted to a ton of folks to be polyamorous. I'll be honest, I'm demiromantic (romantic attraction takes awhile to come up if at all and I have to have an emotional bond with someone) and I'm polyamorous. Polyamory and non-monogamy look different for everyone and for every relationship dynamic. What helped me when I started out in non-monogamy were resources and books and also finding other non-monogamous folks to talk to, especially when I was struggling with something. How I practiced polyamory also changed as I kept growing. If you'd like some more resources, let me know and I'll post them!

In terms of your date with this guy, it seems like there is some regret with cutting things off and that it's something that is on your mind. I think it's okay to reach out and let him know what is going on in your mind. I think that you should also consider what your boundaries are as you start to explore this more (if you decide to), such as that you're not comfortable talking about other dates or partners in the first few dates. Non-monogamy does require a lot of open communication, especially about boundaries and what one is comfortable with or not. Is there something in particular that gives you pause about reaching out to him again?

[tinygoblin]

hey loganw,
thanks for your response!
i've dated a polyamorous person last year briefly and I did not mind them having another partner, now i'm activly choosing to dating monogamous and nonmonogamous people alike and just seeing with who i click and what feels right. i've read quite a ton about polyamory and feel like it's something that I feel ready to try. I feel like i have a solid theoretical understanding but want to get to know people and see how i feel about my ideas and boundaries in practise.
hearing your experiences with being demiand polyam is really reassuring as all the polyam folks I know have casual sex and lots of crushes and click instantly and sometimes it's hard not comparing myself to them as i'm really jealous of them being capable of these things.

I'm unsure bc I'm feel like me behaving like this kinda means it won't fit anyway. While i was panicing my brain told me that him being sexually interested in me means he wanted to hurt me (which is very much untrue) and i don't know if he even wants to get to know me. I'm scared to ask and either hear that he just wanted casual sex (which is completly fine) or that he'd be open to meet me again and i don't know if that is actually what i want. bc he asked to see me again, i said yes and later declined and texted him that i don't want to see him again, that i feel like we don't fit and it's not what i want and i have to work on myself bc it was emotionally to much. now i don't want to reverse this AGAIN without being 100% sure that i really want to meet him or that it's just a fantasy and should let this rest and look out for other people where i then stick more to my boundaries. normally i don't have problems with cutting things of with folks when i'm sure i don't like them or i'm simply not interested - but he reminds me of a person i used to like very much but didn't fit and now i don't know if i'm just telling myself that he's the same and i should let him go or get over this and really get to know him without basing this decision onto that rubbish.

honestly i'm overthinking way to much and i just want this to stop

[Sofi]

Hi there, hope it's okay if I jump in! Just wanted to give you kudos on doing allll the research, and being open minded - as you know, there's not a right or wrong way to date, but it's good to know your own boundaries and comfort levels around things like polyamory. I am also poly and wasn't always, but my own limits for certain things have changed over time and that's normal. There's definitely not a wrong way to be poly as long as everyone is informed and consents!

As for this person in particular, he sounds like he's nice and understanding, so if you really feel like you want to see him again, it's not a bad idea to reach out and explain why you initially said you didn't want to. It's up to him if he accepts it or not, but all you can do is be honest. That being said, if your brain was feeling unsafe even though it wasn't HIM, it might not be the best time to date while you figure that out and work on getting to a place where physical intimacy (when you want it) doesn't give you such anxiety. Does that make sense? Just some thoughts I had, but this is ultimately up to you as you know yourself best. Overthinking is normal but can definitely sabotage us. What does your gut tell you, not just about this person in particular but about dating right now? Does it feel like a good time?

[tinygoblin]

hey sofi, thanks for the response.
i've talked to a friend and they said i should take to him about it if i feel like i'm not getting closure or there's some stuff unresolved for me. i feel like i want to tell him how i feel - but it feels weird though, as we just met once. on the one hand i'm like "it's okay to be vulnerable with folks and tell them boundaries and take a leap especially as i push people away fast and i want to change" and on the other i'm like "this is oversharing, we just met once, he isn't interested in me anyway and will belittle me for having too many feelings for the amount of time we know each other". i'm really scared that i'm planning on oversharing or just staging drama to fake a connection which is not really there, i want to share bc that's the only way to make authentic connection possible and on the other hand i'm really scared and i don't even know what i want to get out of this except for closure and feeling like i can repair being true to myself again after not being upfront about my boundaries even though i need this behaviour from myself. i'm second guessing so much and can't really tell on which emotions i should act.

it's a right time to date i guess, but that does not mean it's easy though i'm stopping when it feels like shit but so far it's just complicated.

[Sam W]

Hi tinygoblin,

You know, one thing that can be useful when deciding whether or not to have a certain conversation is to ask yourself these questions:
What am I hoping will come of this conversation?
How likely do I think that wanted outcome is?
Do I feel prepared to deal with the other likely outcomes (positive or negative)?

Some of that is a bit tricky to gauge here since you only met this person once, but they can still act as good starting points for decision making.

Something I want to share is this article of ours about intimacy: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots. I hear you expressing a lot of hopes for closeness with people, so that piece may help you navigate that desire.