Uncomfortable with sexuality but only on my own

[zeelow]

I'm 19 and repressed my sexuality my whole life without much issue. After sexual experiences with a partner, my libido has increased but when I try to engage in anything on my own I can't even get myself to try masturbating because the thought of it is so uncomfortable. In a sexual situation with another person, I can please them and it feels good to do that (both sexually and in knowing I made someone feel good) but when I try to engage in the things I like, I only upset myself.

In general, my horniness seems to be reach a rather low threshold and not go above that, leaving me vulnerable to overthinking or becoming uncomfortable by the things I'm viewing. I'm incredibly picky and the only places to find the specific thing I'm interested in lack proper filtering systems, leaving soo much time and space for discomfort to creep in. The things I'm interested in with my partner do not equate to what I want to seek out if I'm looking for porn, because a lot of the appeal in those things for me is the physical closeness and interaction.

Now I'm horny often but it can't get past "feeling interested" and it upsets me because I don't know how to engage with it in a way that actually feels good instead of frustrating me. I can't masturbate, I can't even look at content for the one niche thing I do like because it's lost in a sea of things I actively dislike, and there's only so much I can do with a partner if I don't have my own issues sorted out. I'm so uncomfortable with my sexuality and I don't know why.

[Sam W]

Hi zeelow,

Before we dig into the details of how you can address some of this, can you tell me a little more about repressing your sexuality? What did that involve, exactly? And where do you think the need or desire to do that came from?

[zeelow]

I'm asexual and never experienced sexual attraction to people; my only sexuality was kink related but it wasn't prevalent enough in my mind for me to try to act on it.

In general, the world kind of moved too fast for me, my peers were starting to feel things I didn't so I made friends with other kids who were in deep denial about sexuality or just didn't feel it, and kind of furthered myself into a place where I didn't feel comfortable exploring it. Now that social situation has changed, but most of my current friends are still pretty private about these things and talking to them about it would make me incredibly self conscious.

I also had a friend attempt to sexually groom me online from ages 11-14 and only unpacked a lot of that recently. At that age, I really just wanted sexuality to go away and never be mentioned again, and because I had such a low libido, I was able to distance it from my personal life.

[Sam W]

That detail is all really helpful thank you! And I'm glad you've been able to unpack at least some of what happened with your friend trying to groom you, which is such a scary, stressful thing to deal with.

Since it sounds like your sexual orientation was/is tied up in all of this as well, how comfortable do you feel with it currently? Does it still feel like asexual captures your experience things and helps you make sense of your own desires (or lack thereof)?

I also hear you mentioning that the thought of masturbating or exploring your sexuality on your own upsets you. Can you tell me a little more about what that upset involves? Is it repulsion? Worry? Something else entirely?

I do want to add that since finding sexual media of the kind you enjoy is fraught or difficult, it might help to focus mainly on getting into fantasies generated by your own mind, rather than trying to find outside content. That way, you aren't running the risk of seeing stuff that grosses you out or makes you uncomfortable.

[zeelow]

I still consider myself on the asexual and aromantic spectrum, and I don't feel sexual attraction in the usual sense but I don't see a reason to try to label the specifics.

I manage to fantasize sometimes but I don't know if I could multitask with the actual physical part, but I've never tried. I'm not very familiar with my anatomy (AFAB) and have a bit of genital repulsion and dysphoria. It's more of an instinctual terror that I feel at the concept of masturbation than something I can explain.

I get paranoid that if I try to do something in private, someone will try to come in my room and talk to me during, even though that's unlikely. I feel so self conscious that it's hard to focus on the things I'm trying to indulge in. There aren't enough positive feelings from the experience to distract myself from all of the other thoughts coming in.

[Logan W]

Hi zeelow,

Thank you for sharing what's going on. It takes a lot of vulnerability to share these things. You mentioned some genital repulsion and dysphoria. Would it be helpful to try a technique that doesn't require touching yourself with your hand?

I understand how stressful it can be on the mind to worry if someone is going to walk in on you. Can I ask if there is ever a time where you have your home to yourself?

Also, another thing that might be helpful is looking at sexual media that is in written format. That way not all the pressure is on your mind but you're able to still use your mind to imagine the scene and not be interrupted by a sea of content that makes you uncomfortable.