Should I look for a sex worker to lose my virginity?

[Felipe]

Sorry guys, but I'm 23 years old and to this day I haven't managed to lose my virginity. Is it safe for me to look for a sex worker to lose my virginity? I think this is the only way lol

[Sam W]

Hi Felipe,

So, there are two distinct but interconnected parts of your question that I want to address. The first is whether or not it's safe to visit a sex worker. Part of that depends on whether it's legal to do so where you live. But it also depends on your willingness to talk with them about things like safer sex and boundaries.

The second part is that you seem to see your lack of sexual experience as something you "need" to end. For starters, you are FAR from the only person your age to have little or no sexual experience; we talk to plenty of people who are in the exact same situation, so if part of this is connected to you feeling like you're "behind" when it comes to sex, know that you have lots of peers who are dealing with the same thing.

Beyond that, why do you feel like you need or want to have sexual intercourse right now(which is what I'm assuming you mean by "losing your virginity" but please correct me if I'm wrong; virginity is a concept that different people define different ways)? And what makes you feel like visiting a sex worker would be the only way to do so?

[Felipe]

Sam you're right. I want to have sexual intercourse. And I feel like visiting a sex worker is the best way because I don't want to waste someone's time in a romantic relationship with me

Gosh, I don't even know how to be affectionate or romantic. I'm shy as heck...

I also find kissing disgusting. You don't even know if the person brushes their teeth or not

And when I picture a woman in front of me, I always think about what I would do with her, and the answer is always "nothing" lol

I wouldn't do nothing because I'm terrified of touching woman. I'm afraid to death of hurting them

And also the sex worker will not humiliate me because of my size. That's why I don't want to risk losing my virginity to people who aren't sex workers

[Sam W]

I feel like one thing I need to point out is that a sex worker is a woman. The risk of hurting a partner doesn't necessarily go away when you're seeing a sex worker; like I said above even with a sex worker you'd need to be having conversations about boundaries and safer sex. And being with a sex worker also wouldn't address the fact that you're not very clear on what you want to do with a partner in the first place. Too, it sounds like a lot of your other reasons--the fears about your body, the sense you'd be wasting someone's time in a romantic relationship-- for wanting to see a sex worker for your first time having vaginal sex are tied to things that just aren't going to be "solved" by no longer being a virgin.

Given all that, it sounds like a better call for you would be to work on your self-esteem overall. I'm hearing a lot of negative comments about yourself, or assumptions that other people would find you uninteresting or unappealing. Can you give me a sense of what your social life is like? Do you even want to date or be sexual with other people, or do you just feel like you "should?"

[Felipe]

My social life is pretty quiet. I can't have friends outside the virtual world. It's kinda hard for me considering I don't talk to people when I go outside. Touching grass is good, but I don't do it very often.

I think people are afraid of me or something, so I avoid contact with them and try to stay as far away as possible. People associate dark skin with bad things, so I avoid contact with them.

As for whether I would like to date or have sex, I feel that sex is something I really want to experience. As for dating, I don't think I'm good enough for it. I always wonder how people manage to get married/date and stay with the same person like forever

[Sam W]

I'm sorry to hear that you're in what sounds like a pretty isolating scenario. I think it's worth doing som brainstorming around ways you could start forming more connections, if only because we know that tends to help people feel a little happier and less alone.

You mention you have online friends; are any of those people you have the ability to hang out with in real life, even if it's infrequently? Are you going to school, or working somewhere that brings you into contact with people? What about family?

You're right that, sadly, racism and colorism (viewing lighter skin as better than dark) are very real things that can influence how people react to you, and I certainly don't want to downplay how that can make it even harder to form social connections. And if you're sensing that people are afraid or nervous around you, then it's wise to give them space and not try to interact with them. That being said, when you sense someone is afraid of you, what would you say you're reacting to? Something they do or say? Or is it more like there's a part of your brain insisting that them being afraid of you is the only reason they're doing a pretty unremarkable behavior?

[Felipe]

I would say that the reason I feel like they are scared of me is the way they react whenever I get close to them. They always roll up the car window or start the car engine/leave the place. There are some who enter inside the establishments. Others are talking to each other on the sidewalk and when I start to approach, they finish the conversation and continue on their way and etc...

[Amanda B]

Hi Felipe,

I hope it's okay I'm joining in here. I'm so sorry to hear you're experiencing isolation and struggling with self-esteem. If it makes you feel any better, many of us experience these same things at some point in life. I'm also sorry to hear people seem to be avoiding you due to, as you put it, potential fearfulness. Sam is absolutely right that racism and colorism can influence people's interactions with you. While this is in no way excusable behavior, it may be beneficial for you to focus on internal work and controllable things. I like this article from our site, How to Reconnect With Your Body In Spite of the Impact of White Supremacy. It sounds like some aspects of this article may resonate with you and allow you to embrace the parts of yourself that seem to be getting in the way of experiencing fulfilling relationships, both platonic and romantic, and everything in between. Let me know if anything from the article stands out to you.

[Felipe]

Hi Amanda,

I fully agree with what I've read in the article. There are certainly a lot of people in the world struggling with things related to gender identity, homophobia, etc. But in my case, I think I identify as a straight person. I also agree that many things need to change immediately in this world. And some people really need more empathy, I would say

[Latha]

Hi Felipe!

I think some of the things said in the article can help straight people as well, like the advice about rejecting negative messages and accepting yourself. But you're right that people really need more empathy.

I want to touch back on what Sam was saying earlier- I know it can be difficult, but if you notice yourself thinking harsh things like 'I'm not good enough', see if you can try to push back on those thoughts. You are good enough, and it is definitely possible for you to build fulfilling friendships and relationships. You must have empathy for yourself.

[Felipe]

Hello Latha

I took a lot of positive things from the article for myself...

And as far as empathizing with myself, I fully understand that it's important. But believe me when I say that this friendship/relationship thing is not for me lol

I feel good dancing to Kpop and Justin Bieber in my room all by myself. I'm fine when it comes to that fr

[Carly]

Hey Felipe -- I also love dancing in my room by myself! That's a great way to feel good.

Why does losing your virginity feel really important right now? How would losing your virginity change you or your life? I'm sensing some urgency and frustration in your posts here so far. There's no specific timeline to do this kind of thing, people truly just get around to it in their own time. Where are you feeling the pressure from?

[Felipe]

Hey Carly,

Dancing is very good right? heheh~

About the virginity thing, I just wanted to try that before I die. I think that having sex just once is fine with me, to be honest...

The pressure comes from me not having nothing better to do with my life. (trust me, I've tried everything). All I have to do during the day is lie in my room and stare at the ceiling. Then come the thoughts of urgency because I have nothing to do.

But what matters is that I'm feeling better. You guys helped me a LOT and I'm very grateful for that

[Sam W]

I'm glad you're feeling better from talking here!

I think one thing that could be helpful is that when you start to have those thoughts of "oh no I need to have sex before I die" pause and remind yourself that the majority of your life is still ahead of you, not behind you. I know in your twenties it can feel like most of your life and chances to do things have already passed you by, but as someone in their thirties (and who is friends with plenty of folks who are older than that), I can confidently say that's not true.

With the fact you feel like you spend your days doing nothing, one way of addressing that would be to think about what you would like to do or are interested in doing. Or, if you're living in a space with other people, what things need to be done to help make the living space, well, livable and enjoyable to be in?

[Felipe]

Hi Sam,

I'm going to do as you told me and focus more on the things that are yet to come in my life

As for what you said about focusing on something I'd like to do, I think I'll try to invest in making videos for social media and youtube

[Sam W]

Those all sound like great places to put your attention! If you haven't already seen it, I do want to draw your attention to this article: I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment. Not only does it talk about ways to add more pleasure to your life, it also addresses that desire for some more fulfillment, and ways you can bring that into your life either alone or through slowly making new connections with people.

[Felipe]

I'll follow the article's list of advice. There's a lot of interesting stuff in it. And I didn't even know that doing the things we enjoy brings practically the same kind of pleasure as sex. It was really good to know

I think I need to calm my mind a bit. I think I'm going too fast. I've heard it's about the journey not the goal :')