Would it be illegal for us to date?

[XY]

Okay soooo, I’m 15 turning 16 later this year & my female friend is 12 turning 13 next month. We are currently both friends but she confessed that she likes me! I do like her back but I told her that we should probably just remain as friends since we have a pretty big age gap. Even though we’re just friends, we have resorted to kissing & hugging & sometimes we even cuddle together when we’re with each other!! I really do want to date her but I’m kinda scared that we would get legally get in trouble. I completely understand that me & her cannot participate in any sexual activities & I’m completely okay with that since I’m not into sex at all! I also really care about her & I would never do anything to harm her since she’s a really close friend! The only reason we’re really close is because our personalities are really alike. Although I’m 15, I am pretty immature & act really silly/stupid but I can act serious if need be & my friend who is 12 is also pretty silly & immature but can also be serious if she has to.

Long story short: Can a 15 and 12 year legally date without having sex/sexual activities?

[Sam W]

Hi XY,

So, when we're talking about legality, there's no law that would keep a 15 year old and a 12 year old from dating; age of consent laws tend to focus on sexual activity rather than on dating. And since it sounds like you know you're not interested in sex right now, those age of consent laws aren't as relevant to making a decision around all this as they might be otherwise. Although, since you are doing some physical things like kissing, it'd be a good idea to talk about the steps you're both going to take to keep those from leading to things that are more sexual, just to make sure everyone is on the same page.

Knowing that simply dating your friend wouldn't be illegal, how do you feel about the idea of dating her otherwise, or of dating in general? Does it feel like something you're ready for and excited to do?

[XY]

Yeah I do really want to date her but I’m just kinda worried that I would still get in trouble just for kissing or hugging her. I’ve been in a few relationships & they were pretty fun until things had to end so I know a little bit about how relationships work! The reason I really enjoy relationships are because of cuddling Lol, it’s one of my favorite things to do!

[Sam W]

There really isn't any legal trouble you could get in for kissing or hugging her, and honestly to a lot of people you two likely look close enough in age that they won't even know there's an age gap. The one hiccup could be if either/both of your families feel weird about the age difference, since the say or influence family can have on your dating life is usually much greater when you're a teenager.

[XY]

Oh alright! My parents don’t know about us but her dad knows who I am & he likes me as a person. I don’t think he knows about us kissing or hugging though.
Whenever we hang out we always go out in public & no one has really questioned or looked at us weird for hugging or kissing & I do agree that most people wouldn’t really think we have an age gap!

[Sam W]

Got it. Sounds like a next step then may be to work out how you want to tell your parents you're dating. That's certainly something we can help you brainstorm if you'd like.

[XY]

The reason I don’t want to tell my parents is because I don’t think they would approve of it at all because of our ages

[Sam W]

Ah, okay. So, the tricky thing is, it's really, really hard to hide a relationship from parents, and honestly in most cases it's better not to just because you may end up needing support from them around it down the line or you'll end up with a bigger conflict from hiding it than you would have had from telling them outright.

Do you parents talk about their disapproval of age-gaps in relationships? Or is there something else that's giving you the sense they may not take it well?

[XY]

I told them about one of my relationships last summer & at the time I was 14 & the girl I dated was 12 but she looked a lot older than 12. I told my parents & they just told me not to have sex or anything since it’d be illegal (They would say that even if she was my age). I told them because she was only 2 years younger & this time its 3 years & I feel like that’s kinda pushing the limit since we’re both kids & I’m not sure if they would let us see each other anymore. I met with her today to hang out & she was messaging her dad & sent a picture of me to him & he asked if I was her boyfriend. She said “No” because we aren’t dating but I wonder why her dad even asked that. Her dad is also really cool with me & he likes me. Apparently he approves of me but I’m not sure if that’s 100% true since that’s what the 12 year old said awhile ago & I’ve never heard her father say that in person. She might’ve just said that to try & convince me to be her boyfriend since she really likes me but I’m not sure!

[Sam W]

Got it. Given the potential push-back/disapproval from at least your parents, do you feel like you still want to try dating each other? Or does that in and of itself feel stressful enough that it would cancel out the parts of dating that you're excited about?

[XY]

Ywa even with chance of my parents disapproving it or her parents disapproving it, I still would want to try & date her! If I’m being honest, if we were to “date” then the only thing that would really change is just our status (Friendship to boyfriend & girlfriend) since right now we’re kinda like friends with benefits in a way since we kiss even though we’re just friends if that makes sense !

[Nicole]

Hi XY,

I hope it's okay that I'm jumping in here. I think you have a pretty good idea of how to move forward here! Do you have any other questions or concerns? We're here to help. Plus, you're always welcome to come back to this thread or create a new one if something comes up. Take care!

[XY]

Thank you !!