My best guy friend began dating my best girl friend and now he’s distant

[YellowPamonha]

Not really sure how to explain the background here. I moved away two years ago, but still keep close contact with my friends from that town— less this year bc schools been crazy, but we still talk at least four times a week per text. In October of last year I broke up with my boyfriend, and he was kind of a dick, so B, who was out common friend, cut ties with him. This lead to us spending a lot of time together on-line over school vacation (December-January), we would call each other basically every day and spend hours talking, watching movies, etc. We became even closer, nothing romantic from either side, but shared a lot about ourselves with each other.

When school started again we of course couldn’t talk as much, but we’d text every other day and keep each other updated. Around February he opened up and said he was into my friend L for a while, and he thought it’d be nice to give it a shot. L was a part of my inner group and the four of us talked very often, but she took weeks to mention that they were getting close, to the point I couldn’t really be sure he was being honest bc he was telling me about cute romantic moments and then nothing from her side. A while after she told us what was going on and they started being serious.

From the moment they started getting serious, around April, he started showing up less. No longer sent me multiple audios talking about her and how he was in love or about his gym program, and we didn’t call each other or watched movies together anymore. It too me a while to notice, but in May, B and L almost forgot my birthday (when they’d before been very nice on it, with long messages and all) and then a week later B asked L to be his girlfriend and I found out ~3 days later bc that’s when she mentioned in the group chat. He didn’t even bother telling me, even though he bought a ring and a few months before he’d spend minutes taking about much less important things.

Radio silence for June, he basically never answered my texts or, when he did, never with a conversation, just short answers. I talked to her about it and she said she’d talk to him about it. Nothing changed. A few days later he texted me saying I was never available and then I said all that I was holding up, how he was the one to disappear and didn’t even update me anymore, and he answered me a few days after and said it was true, and that he did distance himself and that it was partly because he starting dating, but that I was the best friend he ever had and that he wanted me in his life still, but that some things had to change and that included staying up late on calls.

Now, I of course respect his feelings and if he wants to change that, so be it. It’s his first relationship and if he feels that’s what it needs, then there’s nothing I can do. But I still can’t help but feel sad because she’s my best friend and she knows how important he’s been for me all these years, specially after I broke up, and now we can’t talk during the night? I’m still not sure if the problem is the length of the calls, or the time they’re made, or that he shares too much of himself during it. Does anyone have any experience about this problem? I know that realistically there’s nothing I can do and that if I don’t accept, I’ll lose both of my friends. But I won’t accept it gladly, and I feel my relationship with B will just fade away because of this, and eventually with L too. Thanks in advance

[Heather]

Hi there. This is so hard, when friends get caught up in new romantic or sexual relationships -- or other kinds! -- and it sounds like you basically have a double-whammy here. I do have some thoughts, you can let me know if any of them work for you.

The first thing is this: I would suggest that you work very hard to deal with them separately, rather than doing things like texting one to ask they talk about it together. I just feel like that can end up easily feeling like triangulation to them, and kind of puts you inside their dynamic together in a way that I think won't feel right for anyone, probably you most of all.

Instead, I would just try and extend yourself to each of them separately for the ways you have connected in the past, and try and keep it light: asking one of them to come hang out for the afternoon, or having a call during the day with another. It sounds like they're both also having some challenges navigating this (dating within a friend group can be tricky for everyone, for sure), and like maybe a vibe-reset would be good for all three of you, if you know what I mean. Once y'all reestablish some closeness, I think that if more serious conversations feel like something you want, they'll go better then.

I also think it's really important to let yourself grieve these changes as you feel them. What you're experiencing is a kind of a loss, and can leave a person feeling lonely, isolated, left out and, like you're voicing, scared that you might lose one or more of these cherished friendships entirely. Those are all big, real feelings, and I think it's important to let yourself feel them instead of just trying to manage them. <3

[YellowPamonha]

The advice about talking to them separately is very good, thank you. I was planning to visit them this month (I’ve also got other good friends at that city but I’d stay at L’s house), but now I’m not so sure because it could feel very uncomfortable, and while I know it would be a great time to reconnect since we can’t usually spend time in person, I think I’m gonna be very upset that things changed so much and that will ruin the not-so-cheap trip for me.

It’s probably also a good idea to grieve the friendship. While it’s not over over, my final message to B was “you’re also very important to me and if these are the conditions, I won’t argue, we can’t talk more than only in midnight calls” and he read but didn’t answer. So yeah. It was about time we got apart, things were going too smoothly before. The one thing I’m worried is turning this sadness about the distancing into anger towards L, because even though it’s not her fault, all is happening because of her, and she hasn’t even recognized her place in this mess like B has. Like, it is a decision both of them made together, but it would not have happened if they hadn’t started dating. And he wouldn’t stop our little traditions if she didn’t feel uncomfortable (a third common friend said it’s about the action staying late talking to someone, not who it’s shared with) and I can’t understand. But also, he could have his own boundaries and state that it’s entirely platonic and has been happening waaay before they started flirting. I suspect he’s distancing himself from me in the hopes she’ll distance herself from a common friend (also out of town) who has had feelings for her long ago, but they still talk quite a lot. Or talked. Oh it’s so frustrating.

[Nicole]

Hi YellowPamonha,

If you feel like you will experience discomfort on this trip, then yeah, I don't think you should put yourself through that! I think it might benefit you to get to a solid conclusion with B and L before visiting them. If you do end up going and things don't feel right, you do have friends nearby that you can stay with as well, so you can keep that in mind just in case.

I can understand how frustrating this is. It seems like the whole dynamic is changing and different people have different feelings about certain interactions. Similar to what Heather said, reaching out to B and L separately and speaking your truth and intentions is the best way to go. The only thing is that they might not agree with you or view these interactions in the same way that you do and unfortunately, that's just something you might need to accept. We simply can't change other people's perceptions and many people are firm on their boundaries. I do want to ask, how are you feeling after your recent message to B and not receiving a response?

You mentioned that you have concerns about your sadness turning into anger toward L. I'm thinking that she could have some kind of relationship anxiety or past issues involving relationships that cause these feelings of discomfort towards B speaking to you late at night. Do you know anything about that? I'm just speculating...I think it might benefit both of you to have a conversation about her feelings regarding this particular interaction at this specific time of the day. At the same time, B is your friend and understands the dynamic the both of you have. I believe B has some power in this as well, but I'm not too sure since I don't know these individuals personally! What do you think?

[YellowPamonha]

More than a year later, came back to this and thought i'd answer it lol. Yeah, I do get that she felt uncomfortable bc I dated a guy who got into late night calls with our group of friends, and eventually only with a girl from said group, and he fell in love with her and things went downhill from then on. So it does make sense. Unofrtunately we lost basically all contact, and while I terribly miss our moments together, I do understand that not all friendships last and stay the same forever, and I've also formed close bonds with other people. They are still together, which is great, and eventually I'll meet with them again-- thought probabaly not 1x1 interaction with either. Thanks for all the help!