Did I have sexual OCD or sexual compulsive behaviours as a child? If not, is there a name for the cluster of behaviours,

[UnicornKitty]

This is a long story;

I’ve been masturbating about every other day between the ages of about 3-5 years old. I do not recall having knowledge of sexual language/acts. As I was masturbating, I was inconsolable and looked as if I was concentrating, although sometimes I’d give my mum a certain ‘look’ indicating I was uncomfortable with her attention. The goal of masturbation was always to get an orgasm and I would not stop until I got it, even if it was to do my favourite thing in the world. I tended to masturbate at home when the television was on &/ I wasn’t engaged in anything. I recall feeling bored/numb much of the time and not seeing the point in social interaction and many pursuits that would be considered enjoyable by others, but I had plenty of happy moments too.

I have a memory of feeling sad as I was masturbating and I think I was 4-years-old. There is another more detailed memory of masturbation from when I was 4/5-years-old and I recall what television show and song was playing in the background. I feel a bit saddened when listening to the song, and a lot of songs from my childhood, for that matter. My mum looked at me in concern and asked if I was okay. I felt scared that she was going to find out the meaning of what I was doing and get really cross. I also felt sad and ashamed about what I was doing and had a strong feeling that others my age weren’t doing it.

My dad told me that he gave me a smack on the bottom once when I was 3-years-old, while I was ‘in a hustle’ (masturbating) and wouldn’t look and talk to either him or my mum and wouldn’t go to eat dinner, so maybe that’s partly where the shame comes from.

I also remember being uncomfortable with kissing my mum and sister on the lips since I was 3/4-years-old, and felt unwanted sexual urges when it came to kissing my mum. I would wipe her kiss away right after and she would ask “why did you do that for?”. I soon learnt that I had to please her and that I had to pretend to be fine with it, as I didn’t really get a choice. I was also reluctant to hug her but I would give in coldly when she said that’s what she wanted.

When I started school, masturbation became less frequent and I was happier overall due to the structure and more social interactions and I felt better about masturbating. As a 6-year-old, I would picture myself in a beautiful red dress as a 20-year-old, sometimes with a potential male partner. While I was masturbating and I felt like a ‘lady’ rather than a child. I had come up with a name for the effect that masturbating had on me which I would call ‘butterfly’, as it felt really blissful and as I’d orgasm, it was like a butterfly had finally spread its wings to fly. I do not recall imagining any scenario whilst masturbating before I was 6.

Not long after I started puberty, at 9-years-old, I started having thoughts about kissing an adult in my life and both of us being naked at the beach. I had grown to hate her, mostly due to these unwanted thoughts and I hated having them but couldn’t control these “flashes” which her the same and very brief every time. They would come on if she was sitting close to me, I could smell her stinky breath or if I heard a ‘sad song’ which reminded me of what I was going through at that point in time. I would sometimes masturbate to the point of orgasm, when she was next to me.

I don’t think I have been through a more difficult time in my life, as I was suicidal and too scared and ashamed to describe these thoughts and feelings. I thought I was ‘horrible’, ‘disgusting’ and too young to be having sexual thoughts and feelings. I felt that everyone would find out and have hatred, judgement, anger and/or disgust towards me. I did not enjoy these thoughts and feelings at all and they are probably the worst I have had in my life, as there can be a huge element of shame and fear in feeling intense pleasure in that part of the body due to thoughts/feelings one despises. I never thought I would act on these thoughts, rather, my fear was in being a bad person and others finding out.

When I was 10-years-old, I started to feel somewhat okay about my sexual thoughts/feelings but I was still quite sad, I still felt like a pervert and that something was wrong with me. I would picture what other girls’ genitals looked like (still do) and I still felt shame and self-blame if I accidentally saw someone’s private parts. I had thoughts about engaging in sexual acts with other girls, but I didn’t feel particularly pleasured or upset about them at that point.

By the time I was 11-years-old, I started having sexual fantasies involving two other people I admired. I still exhibit the pattern of not inserting myself into my fantasies. I started developing celebrity/character crushes which tend to last for a few/several years, but I do not experience attraction towards anyone except that crush.

I don’t want a relationship and I have been adamant about it since I was 9/10-years-old, but I do want them to be in a relationship/sexual encounter. I would often wish that I was that person, although I’m also quite happy being me. I don’t see a reason to pursue a relationship as I like being on my own, I’m introverted, crushes are rare for me, the thought of me in that situation disgusts me and I feel invalid for that type of contact, I feel averse to being touched that way or touching someone else in that way and I like to be in control of my sexual urges. I did have a tendency in my early twenties to talk about sexual desires and considered a relationship and casual sex, but found I was too scared to carry it through, hence I have never had any romantic/sexual encounters. I was generally considered innocent and conservative throughout adolescence and most of adulthood. I do feel sensitive when overhearing many discussions relating to sex/romance and when asked about whether I am dating, I feel defensive, upset and objectified and I don’t want others viewing that as a possibility for me.

I consider myself on the asexual spectrum with lesbian tendencies, and I am still questioning my sexuality as I can never be sure, but I’m also trying to figure out a disorder/cause/name for what I have been experiencing and I wish for similar experiences to be much more recognised as I generally don’t find anything online about much of this.

Thank you for reading!

[Sam W]

Hi UnicornKitty,

So, I think why you may not be finding much information referring to this "disorder" is because the sexual behaviors you're describing are pretty in line with standard sexual development. Most small children masturbate, including in moments where it's inappropriate to do so (like around family or in public); one of the things parents are supposed to do if they realize that's what's happening is talk with the child about how masturbation is okay and normal, but that it's something we only do in private. Everything else you're describing--getting crushes and fantasies, continuing to masturbate--are all part of healthy sexual development.

It does, however, sound like you did, and maybe still do, feel a lot of shame or guilt about those behaviors. Would you say those messages came from things you were exposed to growing up, such as family, media, faith, and so on? Too, since you're concerned about OCD, have you ever been screened to see if that diagnosis applies to you?

Too, when you have those moments of feeling upset or objectified when someone asks whether you're dating anyone, why do you think you don't want people viewing you that way? Is there something specific about others thinking of you as a sexual or romantic person that upsets you?

[UnicornKitty]

Hi,

Thank you for your response! When I was 3-years-old, my dad gave me a smack because I continued to masturbate and didn’t talk to or look at either parent when it was dinner time, but neither of my parents knew that what I was doing was masturbation. My family aren’t religious at all and aren’t very conservative. I’m sure I wouldn’t have seen anything sexual at a very young age. I don’t recall being given any idea that being sexual is ‘bad’. I told my mum recently that what I was doing was masturbation and she is fine with it and said she would not have been cross with me.

I had other OCD tendencies, particularly at 9-10 years of age, such as consistently having ‘bad thoughts’, including sexual ones with people I don’t like, being particular about never lying, keeping myself clean (eg. spending excessive time brushing teeth & showering) & wanting school work to look perfect.

As for why I don’t want people to consider the possibility of me dating anyone or having sex, I’m also a bit perplexed about why it upsets me. I feel like I’d be disgusting to be doing sexual stuff and I am invalid for that type of contact, so I don’t want others to consider that possibility for me. I would like to be given the same courtesy and expectations on that matter as a child would and I feel that these sort of experiences are too expected in society, yet I don’t have a specific reason as to why I’m not participating. I think it’ll get more difficult in 5-10 years time when people would ask me more often about relationships and want to know why I’m not in one and never have been.

Thanks!

[Heather]

Hey there, UnicornKitty. I don't want to step in too much, because Sam will be back tomorrow, but I do just want to share one thing with you.

I think far fewer people ask other people about their intimate relationships and that history than folks might think. More times than not, when someone is asking, and asking that deeply, it's because mutual sharing is going on -- like when we're building a new friendship or other kind of close relationship. So, we will often be in social contexts where we have been building some trust and setting mutual boundaries, and where we have some social comforts to make questions that might feel more rough coming from just anyone feel better, because they're in a positive social context.

You, like anyone, also always and will always have the option of having boundaries around what you talk about, in what setting, and with whom. It's okay, for example, to say to anyone, "My relationship history is a tricky topic for me, so I don't want to talk about it with you/right now/in this setting." You get to also set boundaries around anything else, absolutely including sexual conversations or approaches.

[UnicornKitty]

Hi Heather,

Thanks! Usually people don’t ask me about relationships but that might be because it’s somewhat unexpected to be settled down by my age. When they do, sometimes people would say that I might be in a relationship one day, which suggests that they are more concerned about what is ‘typical’ or about the fact that it’s possible rather than trusting that I know what I want and meeting me with where my feelings are at. Apparently I haven’t always given ‘appropriate’ responses to people asking that question as I can feel defensive, but also I kinda feel that I can’t always reasonably defend myself as I can’t really control whether people see potential for me to have that type of relationship. I think it would be good if I could take opportunities to express my thoughts and feelings on the matter to raise awareness about the fact that people have varying thoughts and feelings on the matter, that relationships aren’t always necessary for happiness and it doesn’t need to be the ultimate goal for everyone. I think there are few reasons for how I feel that are probably to do with genetics rather than poor experiences that I would be comfortable expressing.

[Sam W]

Hi UnicornKitty,

I think it's sound to realize that you can't really control that people might see you as someone who could be in a relationship, but that conversations like that do give you a chance to a little awareness raising if and when you want to. As you pointed out, not everyone needs or wants a romantic and/or sexual relationship, and some people do have a tendency to dismiss that.

I do want to touch on something you've mentioned a few times, which is that you feel you're "invalid" for sexual contact. Can you say a little more about that? Invalid in what way?

Too, since it sounds like you did experience some things that can indicate OCD early in life, do you still experience those same things, or feel like OCD manifests for you in other ways? Or does it seem like obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors aren't present for you these days?

[UnicornKitty]

Hi Sam,

I have mentioned various times that I feel ‘invalid’ for sexual contact, and I suppose it is a vague way of putting it. I, myself am not entirely sure why I feel that way or how to explain it as my sexuality is quite complex to interpret, based on how I’ve felt in the past and how I feel currently. I think I feel invalid for various reasons;

Perhaps my nervous system/brain is telling me not to have sexual contact, as I’ve felt this way throughout most of my life and have been very adamant about never having sex/relationships, as it is a sensitive topic for me.

I feel like a child, for the most part and I like to give off certain vibes of ‘innocence’ even though I felt I didn’t truly have it even as a young child due to the sexual urges.

I have this ‘favourite character’ whom I resonate with, although I think she’s prettier than me. I insert her into fantasies and I often feel that I am her and I wish I were at times. This feature has been prevalent since I was about 12-years-old and has attributed towards me not being suicidal & feeling happy (except for the disappointment of not actually being her). It became very pleasant to have sexual fantasies, whereas it wasn’t if I was inserted into the fantasies.

I feel that sexual contact is horrifying and disgusting for me & I personally feel that I am too disgusting & unattractive for that type of contact. I experience unwanted sexual urges in situations where I initially feel disgust &/ irritation. I don’t want anyone else having any bearing on whether I experience sexual urges or feel turned on, as I want to be in control of that and when urges are unpleasant without my control, it sucks, but it’s been an ongoing way of life since I was about 3-years-old. I am also not inclined to tell others if I am uncomfortable with their touch as I am quite passive in general, I don’t feel that I can control others and I never really had a choice as a child anyway. I know what works for me masturbation-wise, and the conventional ways of masturbation feel wrong and I get very little pleasure.

I, for the most part did/do not even want to be visually exposed to sexual content as I have a feeling it would be distressing and I didn’t want to find out what ‘sex looks like’, as I can’t take it back. When I see or hear about something sexual/romantic, it can be upsetting, therefore I’d rather let my imagination decide what it could be like, to an extent.

I was on online dating sites at some point and when people agreed to have sexual contact with me, I felt extremely nervous and felt I could not try sex at all, but I mostly wanted to know what it was like and how I’d respond rather than feeling desire to have sex with others. I figured that based on my reaction, it would be appropriate to identify as asexual.

As for whether OCD tendencies are present for me today, I don’t have any tendencies. The sexual shame (or whatever one would label it as) seems to be lifelong and present since I was 3-years-old, and I suppose it isn’t a coincidence that this shame exists and I’ve carried it into adulthood (though I feel much better than I did before adolescence). I’m not sure how I got the idea that it was something children shouldn’t do if my parents didn’t know what I was doing was masturbation, but they knew I was tense, unresponsive & concentrating. I also didn’t care what others thought I should do in general and had my own ideals. Therefore perhaps I had compulsive sexual behaviours as a young child because I wasn’t busy and therefore felt quite numb and unstimulated, hence I wanted to feel something. The ‘OCD tendencies’ from when I was 9-10 years old must have had something to do with puberty, and with the sexual shame I had before puberty, it became very intense, to the point of suicidal ideation and assuming I was a horrible/disgusting being whom would be treated poorly and hated on a daily basis for being a child with sexual thoughts.

Thank you for all of your input!!

Cheers,
Ruby

[Sam W]

Thank you for all that detail! A lot of what you're describing does sound like the process of realizing you're asexual, and honestly there's nothing wrong with reaching that conclusion. If you have a pretty strong sense that you don't want to engage in sexual behaviors or with sexual media, then you get to steer clear of those things for your own well-being.

The one want in what you've described that isn't realistic is not wanting other people to have any bearing on whether you feel aroused. Because of how unpredictable human desire and attraction can be, you may very well end up meeting, or seeing, someone who sets off desire for you. Or, it may be that you never experience that kind of reaction to another person. I mention this just because it's sound to be prepared for the fact that sometimes our brains and bodies have reactions to be people that we aren't expecting.

It does sound like it might be helpful for you to practice getting comfortable with declining unwanted touches from people or tell them you're uncomfortable, if only because having and enforcing those boundaries is a totally reasonable thing to do. If that's something you want to dig into, we can certainly talk about ways to move from being passive to active in those moments.

One other thing I wanted to ask about was that appearance of "innocence." Is that a persona you like projecting or embodying? Or does it feel like it's just an assumption put on your by other people that's in conflict with how you see yourself?

[UnicornKitty]

Hi Sam,

I believe others have perceived me as innocent throughout adolescence and adulthood, and I suppose it sort of fits my persona, but I’m not sure it entirely fits how I actually am, depending on one’s definition of innocence.

Thank you,

[Sofi]

May I ask what your definition of innocence is, and if you feel like it fits you? You mentioned in a previous post you like giving off that "innocence" vibe, is that because you want others to perceive you that way/it already is how you think they perceive you, or how you actually want them to see you?

[UnicornKitty]

Hi Sofi,

Thank you for joining the discussion!

I probably give off a vibe of innocence in that I’m pretty harmless, I don’t necessarily fight back, I don’t see a great deal of negativity in others, I’m quite mild-mannered and quiet, I’m not very observant or aware of my surroundings and I don’t have a great deal of general knowledge. My style and bedroom also tends to give off a childlike vibe. I do tend to speak in an articulate manner and I talk about deep, personal matters at times.

As for what my definition of innocence is, I’m not sure, as I find various ways of defining innocence and it is quite difficult to interpret what it means, let alone whether one can be defined as innocent. If I look it up, I find three major definitions; lack of knowledge of evil/hardship, not intending to cause harm & the state of being ‘virgin’. Perhaps almost no one is completely free from all of those definitions, but rather as people get more experience, they become less innocent. Therefore, I suppose innocence is a spectrum rather than a cookie-cutter label, just like many concepts.

As for whether I fit the definition of innocence, not completely, as I am capable of deceit (though I’m fairly well-behaved), I know that hardship occurs in society, I have experienced all types of child abuse, and & I am not sure if I am still a virgin, as I may have forgotten losing it though I would have had little concept of what was going on as a toddler. So perhaps I fit ‘innocence’, as in I am not a criminal and I am quite a nice person. I also don’t feel too jaded by the trauma I have been through and I am still a fairly happy person who looks forward to different experiences and is a keen learner. So, I’m more innocent than many others, in a way.

[Carly]

Hey UnicornKitty -- thanks for explaining that so thoroughly. When you think about your persona as an "innocent person", is this something you feel like your sort of slot into naturally given your experiences or is this something you actively curate? What has that process been like in the context of coming into your own identity?

[UnicornKitty]

Hi Carly,

Thank you for your response! I don’t make a conscious effort to be a particular way in general, but rather, I tend to be my authentic self, within reason. I am not sure why I feel so young, but I’m not easy to influence overall and maybe I didn’t really have much ‘innocence’ to lose beyond early childhood, so I don’t necessarily associate getting older with being more jaded and letting go of joy. Also, when I was dealing with intense, consistent sadness, I tended to think about or engage in what made me happy, and in my opinion, what children tend to enjoy can have the same effect on adults, whereas I tend to find joys associated with adolescence/adulthood to be extreme/boring for me. I wouldn’t say there was a process in gaining an ‘innocent persona’, as I have been fairly consistent with my personality type throughout my life.

[Nicole]

Hi UnicornKitty,

Thank you for sharing this. Earlier you mentioned that you experienced "all types of child abuse" and how that has impacted the person you are today. Do you feel comfortable sharing more about this? Have you had any opportunities to process what you have gone through and heal, such as through therapy or adjacent practices? If I am overstepping here, just let me know. We are here for you.

[UnicornKitty]

Hi Nicole,

Thank you for stepping in!

I have mostly been verbally abused and would often hear yelling and phrases that suggested I was too difficult & unwanted. I was obliged to kiss my mum on the lips until I was 14/15-years-old, which I didn’t like but I figured I had to deal with it and pretend I’m okay with it, as saying “no” or expressing discomfort didn’t work. She has also caressed my waist/hips before. And a few times, she forced tampons into me for a dance competition as I couldn’t get them in without excessive force & pain, but I’m not sure if that’s considered abuse. Sometimes when I look at my mum, I feel disgusted, and that might be why. I was also spanked quite a bit when I was 4-years-old and the nature of those ordeals were very terrifying and harsh. A lot of the physical abuse was by my sister, although we could both be abusive towards each other, but eventually we stopped.

I have also discovered that there would have been an extremely traumatic event by a man when I was an infant/toddler, as I was resistant around most men and didn’t feel right around them since I was about 3-years-old. I can’t remember and my mum didn’t have any idea, so it’s frustrating trying to figure it out without having proof, but I will go to therapy for that one soon.

I am quite okay with what has happened, I am rather happy in general and I think I’m doing well. I was in therapy a few times in my life when I was doing poorly mentally, but both therapists ended up being quite unkind and judgmental of my situation and I didn’t bring up too much about my mum. I am thinking of trying online therapy when I have the income to do so.

[Nicole]

Hi UnicornKitty,

Thank you for being so vulnerable and opening up with us about these difficult times in your life. I'm really sorry to hear about what you've endured. Although, it's great to hear that you're doing well today and processing it in your own time. If you need any help with this, please don't hesitate to let us know. I'm not sure what your relationship with your family is like now, so I'm not sure if it's possible to dig into what you endured as an infant/toddler, or if it's even beneficial to do so. Regardless, attending therapy is a great idea.

Also, I'm really sorry to hear about your past experiences in therapy and badly you were treated. As someone entering school for counseling, I find that completely unacceptable. If you are interested in looking into treatment in the future, it might help to find therapy specializing in childhood abuse or trauma. I think your experience will be different, in a positive way of course! Let me know what you think!

[UnicornKitty]

Hi Nicole,

Thank you so much! I am talking a lot to my mum about what possibly happened as an infant/toddler, as I think that a lot of what I’ve written about in this thread stems from that trauma. My parents had no clue about anything having happened, although I tended to internalise negative thoughts & feelings from a young age. However, my mum & I have come up with a belief of what probably happened, but it’s difficult not actually knowing, so that’s what I’m going into therapy for. I think I’ll try ‘Better Help’ first and then I’d like to try EDMR to see if I can get any memories.

Thanks!

[Michaela]

Hi UnicornKitty,

I hope you don’t mind me hopping in towards the end of this thread. It’s great that you have felt comfortable enough to talk to your mum a little bit about your past, that must not have been easy. It sounds like you have a solid plan to start finding a therapist to work with you. Are you feeling confident about this process? Or are you wanting some help finding a therapist that will support you specifically with your childhood history? (For example, maybe some questions to ask them at the first meetings to better understand their approaches to therapy)

[UnicornKitty]

Hi Michaela,

I am fairly confident with the process, as I have decided to do it online and there will be flexibility to change therapists without speaking to anyone. I will be okay with asking questions.

Thank you so much!