I kind of dread spending time with my family, is this normal or am I being rude?

[pinkheartsss0]

I love my family so much and I’m so lucky to have such a good and supportive one, but I’ve found as I’ve gotten older I just really don’t look forward to or enjoy spending time with them. Like when we went on a week long vacation out of state and I just felt it would’ve been more fun had i not been traveling with my family and instead by myself, or with one close friend. I wouldn’t have even minded going with just one of my family members, just not all of them. When we spend time together my mom stresses and makes something that’s supposed to be fun or relaxing unbearable, then my dad gets mad at her for it, and I just can’t stand being around my siblings in these situations. My favorite times are when I’m home alone with just my dog and no one else. I find myself always embarrassed by my family when we’re in public and not in a cute or funny way, like I genuinely feel so embarrassed by how they sometimes act. When we were on that weeklong trip, there were multiple times I was literally on the verge of tears because they were all just too much.

I don’t know if I’m isolating myself or if I’m just getting tired of them since I’m getting older but like I genuinely really dislike spending time with them.

[Latha]

Hi there, Pinkheartsss0- welcome to the boards!

You know, it's okay to have periods where you just need some more space or need to be on your own for a while- that in it of itself isn't rude. You just need to remember not to react to other people unkindly during these times. That said, from what little you've written, I can see how these dynamics would be stressful, and how they'd make you not want to spend that much time with your family, even when you do love them.

Has your family ever acknowledged these patterns- like with your mother getting stressed and your father getting angry at her?

Do you think it would be possible to have a conversation with them about changing these patterns? For example, you could sit down with your mother to talk about why she feels stressed, and things that could reduce her stress or make it easier to manage. Under no circumstances should you feel responsible for making these changes all on your own- rather, you could try to start the conversation and help a little.

You mentioned that you feel really embarrassed by how your family acts and that you can't stand being around your siblings sometimes. If you're comfortable, would you elaborate on what's happening in those situations? Maybe we could give you more specific advice.

[pinkheartsss0]

Thanks so much for replying Latha! I have tried talking to my mom about her stress and so has other members of my family, but there hasn’t been any change really.

About my siblings, they just a lot of the time feel very suffocating. Often times when we’re on these trips or spending time together I just get sick of them and distance myself. My family always arguing in public is what really embarrasses me. And customer service at like restaurants and stores and stuff having to deal with them, it’s really embarrassing. My parents yell at each other or other people in my family in public like they don’t realize how embarrassing and uncomfortable it is for other people to see. I just hope when I’m their age I don’t yell at my parents or family members so much, much less in public. Like my mom treats my grandma with so little respect for example, is always yelling at her and annoyed by her and I hope that’s not how I’m gonna be when I’m older.

[Latha]

Hello again, pinkheartsss0

You know, it really is understandable that you feel uncomfortable with your family arguing or yelling like that- it doesn't seem like a good way to manage conflict. Let me assure you that it isn't inevitable that you'll act the same way when you're older. It is possible to practice and make a point of approaching conflicts in a better way. (We have an article about conflict resolution here, if you'd like to read it.)

I wish I could give you some things you could do to make these situations easier, but I can't imagine much that you can do to fix the source of your discomfort, beyond encouraging your parents to handle conflict differently- you can't control their actions. You mentioned you spoke to your mother- would your father listen to you if you spoke to him and told him that the arguing is making it difficult for you to spend time with your family? What about your siblings? If your relationship with them is usually good, you may be able to get them on your side, so at least being around them won't be stressful.