How much control do I have over who or what I find sexually attractive?

[CrazyBonobo]

I have been reflecting for some time on the physical characteristics that I consider SUBJECTIVELY attractive in sexual partners and I realize that my subjectivity is suspiciously little different from the beauty standards of the society in which I live (Brazil). I am aware of the mental and physical health problems that harm people who do not meet such social standards and end up internalizing a distorted self-image.
My question is, how much power do I have over what I individually find attractive or not? From what I've been reading, most of our tastes in these matters are socio-historically constructed, but this doesn't mean that, by knowing this, I can simply turn a switch in my brain and change what I find sexy or not. At least that's what I discovered.
I've already heard from a sex therapist on the internet that the ideal would be to try watching pornography that features people with "dissident bodies" and see if my views would change. It's not working.
And obviously trying to force myself into relationships with people I'm not attracted to in an attempt to broaden my perspectives would be deeply disrespectful to them, so it's out of the question.

[Sam W]

Hi CrazyBonobo,

The tricky thing when we're talking about desire and attraction is that it's one of those things where there are a bunch of factors that likely contribute to it; our experiences, the messages we get from culture and media, the people we're exposed to, etc. And there's also the fact that there are plenty of times where there isn't an obvious reason why we find a person or trait attractive; we just do.

I do think we can be mindful of our attraction patterns and notice when they might be speaking to some not-so-great things. For instance, if we're only ever attracted to people of one race, that could mean that we've internalized some simplistic (and probably racist) messages about what traits are or are not desirable and also what traits are or are not present in a given racial group.

As you pointed out, trying to force ourselves to be attracted to be people we aren't isn't a good call, and it isn't fair to us or to those people if we then try to date them. What I think is more useful is to be mindful of if or how our categorizing of someone as attractive or not changes our behavior towards them. Part of why narrow beauty standards hurt people is that they convey the message that only people who match that definition of attractive are deserving of certain things like respect or affection. But if we treat people as all equally deserving of those things regardless of whether we think they're attractive, then we're not contributing to that pattern.

Too, there's evidence to suggest that people who fit the picture of what's attractive experience the "halo effect" where they're seen as better people overall simply because they're attractive. So that's another place where we can be mindful of our assumptions and make sure we're not acting in a way that reinforces that idea.

Does all that make sense?