So about 1.5 years ago I had a depressive/mildly psychotic episode involving sex and relationships, and basically making past romantic encounters and mild crushes more than they were and losing my connection with what actually happened. After therapy, becoming more social, and getting more experience tackling my life problems head on, I would say I’ve made great strides overcoming the episode and reclaiming my sexual fantasy life without it becoming any sort of disconnect from reality.
![Laughing :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
Yay! (Thanks to Scarleteen for prior help with that process
![Very Happy :D](./images/smilies/icon_e_biggrin.gif)
So anyway, I’m starting to get more interested in dating, and I’m kinda not sure where to begin? My prior experience is none, I haven’t ever been kissed on been on a date. I’m straight and the closest I’ve had to a boyfriend is 5-6 male friends in high school. Actually, looking back it was more like low intensity flirting every single day, the only reason I was holding back from dating them was because my parents said no, I couldn’t decide whom to date, and I kinda liked the tension between us? They enjoyed teasing me, and I them, we came to each other a few times for advice etc. It was really fun, because we had this emotional closeness caused by this fun, flirty atmosphere, and knew a few deep emotional secrets but weren’t really friends in the context of knowing everyone’s interests and hanging out daily.
I don’t really know what to call that…close admirers?
Anyway, having that emotional connection is important to me. Despite never having sex, I know what I want to try, things like threesomes and light bdsm in addition to different sex positions, which is a bit more adventurous than many of my friends or family will admit to in public-though I guess that’s to be expected. I’d like to go slow when it comes to sex though.
Before my episode, I had this habit of comparing myself to others, and then putting myself down when I didn’t live up to their standards (still do this sometimes, less often though). This got especially bad when it came to sex and relationships, with me constantly feeling inferior because I hadn’t had sex or ever been in a “real” relationship aka one with a boyfriend.
Lately I’ve really been wondering why I’m so resistant to dating or having sex. Is it because I really don’t want to or because I think I shouldn’t because I have to be in love first or something? More and more I’m thinking it’s the second one, that I’m somehow still scared to fall completely in love and “lose common sense”.
And one last thing, I can’t seem to shake the urge to talk to my old like 6 years ago now guy friends and just try to process the high school age passion and drama. One of them broke up with me to marry another girl. The other I supported through an abusive stepdad, reporting to the police, and just talking to him after everything was okay. And I was truly,madly,deeply in love with them both. And I guess I just can’t accept my feelings as they are?