Confusing sexual assault and its consequences

[kitkat1213]

When i was 12, in the middle of the night i was felt up. It was a regular night at my house, i have two brothers and the regular father and mother. I was laying on my side facing the wall, so i did not see who it was. It lasted for a couple seconds after i woke up i believe. However, i did not move one inch. I froze up completely. This happened while i was partially asleep so there is a chance that it did not happen, because if it did, it would mean it was someone from my family. Obviously i don't want to believe that that happened let alone it was someone in my family. I have been on the fence if it actually happened since. I am now 17 almost 18 and i still suffer greatly. I feel like i remember it i feel like it happened but there will always be the chance that it did not happen and i think that might be holding me back from ever truly confronting this.

Before the assault i had watched porn, not often, but i did first search up porn when i was quite young, 9 years old or so. And if i remember correctly, it was of non consensual porn. Today, i can only reach orgasm when I'm watching some role-play of rape. I have tried to masturbate thinking of other things that turn me on, but once actual stimulation gets involved, the horniness kind of goes away and i start feeling weird and like nothing is working. Also, this makes me wonder if i had could have had some repressed trauma that i don't remember which was coming out in this way, i don't want to assume anything but it isn't normal behavior right so why did i do that or have those thoughts and why does it feel like now it is so ingrained in my body.

I also have this problem with my boyfriend, he knows about all of this and is obviously very patient and caring. He has performed oral on me and it feels okay, i have feel the clit stimulation but i never get to the point of that warm fuzzy feeling that i do when I'm actually enjoying stimulation (same for masturbating without fantasizing about rape). He has never made me orgasm and its not his fault, i mean hes new to sexual things as well as this is both of our first relationships and we have only been together for around 6 months.

Anyways, from what i remember from my childhood, I have always had these odd sexual thoughts. I don't know if they were normal or a result of something, but either way, i acted on them immaturely (obviously since i was very young) and now i am facing the results. Ive read up on rape fantasies and supposedly loads of women have it. however, i know i would feel gravely uncomfortable if i were to ever act that out with another person(i am mostly dominant with my boyfriend and he is more submissive). I have also been fingered and we have had sex but again, it feels nice for 15 seconds or so, then it starts to feel like a violation. I want to have these experiences, and i know in my head i want to be fingered and have sex, but when it actually happens it never works and actually ends up making me feeling a little uncomfortable. I'm wondering if i was born like this or if i made myself this way. I'm wondering what the serious roots of these problems are to be able to overcome it. I want to be myself and express sex and love how i want to, it makes me frustrated and sad and angry that I'm like this. (I am looking for a blunt honest response that will seriously try to help me overcome this)

[Sam W]

Hi kitkat1213,

Reading what you've written here, it sounds like there are two, overlapping things to address. One is how you're feeling about your fantasies and how they might be effecting you, and the other is the fact that there might be an actual assault that you're struggling to deal with.

With the potential assault, do you have any reason other than you were just waking up to believe that it didn't happen? And when you say that incident is still causing suffering for you, are you referring just to the worries about fantasy and sexual response you mention here? Or is it causing other issues for you?

As far as the fantasies and the struggles you're having with sexual response, none of those are in an of themselves proof of trauma, and they're certainly not a sign that there's anything "wrong" with you. As you pointed out, plenty of people have rape fantasies, and I'd add that while some people do enjoy acting them out safely with a partner, plenty of people feel like you and don't want them to leave the realm of fantasy in any way. And even if they weren't a common fantasy, there wouldn't be anything wrong with having them.

Beyond that, you're far from the first person to feel like your sexual response isn't lining up with what you want or with how it "should" be. I do think some of what you're describing might be addressed by more experimentation, either alone or with your partner, with what feels good, but I want to hone in on the fact that it sometimes feels like a violation to you. Can you say a little more about what thoughts or feelings that generally entails? In other words, why does it feel that way?

[kitkat1213]

The incident is still causing suffering to me i think because i tried to repress it to much and it has sort of worked. After it happened i tried everything i could to try to forget i would do hypnosis techniques and other practices to try to make it leave my mind because i did not and could not believe or live with this. Today my mood is extremely up and down and i believe it could be from this. I feel that I don't know how to deal with certain emotions especially concerning self regulation and it makes me be reminded of the sexual assault everytime. I feel as if somehow its becoming a part of my subconscious and its making me want to act out and do things that are bad for me.
And to answer the second set of questions. So when i am with my boyfriend we will be kissing and sort of talking and just doing basic foreplay that does turn me on, and i enjoy going down on him and don't feel weird doing that at all. When he starts to perform oral on me however i dont feel the sensation that i normally feel when i am turned on and being stimulated. Then i will ask him to finger me sometimes because in my mind it seems like it will feel good and i want him to do that but then when he does, its good for a few seconds, its how i imagine it to be and feel like, but then after a few seconds, it just feels like im not connected to whats happening. It starts to feel like im getting no pleasure from this at all and then it feels like im just getting felt up in a very intimate part of myself and i dont like it. i have never gotten fingered or had sex for longer than a few minutes id say. And when we do try to have sex it feels lke im not opening up properly. Maybe its normal to not be used to it but it feels like im really not that open to it even though in my head i know i want to and i believe that having sex is a healthy part of a relationship but my body never agrees when it actually gets to the time to do it. I dont know why it gets this way, it could be a problem that im just overthinking, or maybe ive just never really felt comfortable having sexual acts performed on me because it reminds me of what happened.

Also a little background information on me to help you respond. My parents argued my whole life, probably once a year or more they would talk about divorce but then stay together. when i was 15 they finally separated and we moved out of our house a short while later. I lived with my mom and dad half and half however, i stopped living with my dad because it was too much to handle. Im not a psychologist but me and whoever knows my dad thinks he has some kind of narcissistic personality disorder. his mother had schizophrenia so it could be possible because on many many occasions i clearly know what happened, and then the next day he will twist the story completely with utter lies to make him look like the victim every time. (one example is when he kicked me out, a few days later he said i should come back and apologize for leaving). So i feel some of these emotions could be coming from being raised by a parent like this. As well as around 4 months ago my boyfriend and i broke up for a bit and i spiraled out of control. We both have problems with communication and are working on them now that we are back together. But when we broke up i just couldnt get over it all, and on top of that, i felt i really needed to deal with my sexual assault, because i had only ever actually told someone about it in real life in detail this year (my boyfriend). Because i was already having an extremely hard time just with the breakup and the tried to to deal with my sexual assault i started dissociating. I am not diagnosed by a psychologist however i have researched about my symptoms and it really seems like i have developed something called derealization or depersonalization. I did not even realize i was trying to dissociate when i was feeling so badly. However after a couple weeks of crying constantly and having no motivation to live, i started to feel like nothing is real, and now for a couple months i have been suffering from this. This is also why i believe i have somehow repressed the sexual assault to the point of it affecting my subconscious. I feel that when i started to even try to confront it, my body and brain were so hurt that it distanced myself from my whole reality. I don't mean to trauma dump or rant but i wanted to tell you this in order to have a better general idea of my problems to maybe help with the solution. (also i am now in university and am starting free therapy with them tomorrow in case you will tell me to go to a therapist)

Im just wondering if ill ever get better. I want to be able to feel pleasure normally and have sex normally.

[Sam W]

I'm glad to hear you're starting therapy, if for not other reason than because some of what you're describing, like the depersonalization and similar, is the kind of thing that's likely going to be addressed more effectively with support than if you were trying to muscle through it yourself. That's especially true if, as seems to be the case, there were other stressful or abusive incidents you dealt with while growing up.

I have some other advice, but my first big piece of it is this: as much as you can, try to let go of the idea that there are normal ways of experiencing pleasure or having sex. Human sexuality is so diverse and varied that trying to match up to some idea of "normal" is just an exercise in frustration. What I'd recommend instead is that, when you think about your wants in terms of your sex life, thinking about them in terms of what feels good, or safe, or exciting, or another positive emotion. That alone might take the pressure off to have your body respond a certain way to things.

Beyond that, it seems like it might help to come at this from the angle of resources and tools to help survivors reconnect (or just connect, period) with their sexuality. Those often cover things like dissociation or arousal discordance (where your brain and body just aren't lining up in what they want and how they're responding), so they could help you out. Would you like some resources or articles like that?

[kitkat1213]

Yes that would be extremely helpful! I didnt even know that arousal discordance existed. Thank you so much!

[Sam W]

You're very welcome! Here are a few different resources to get you started.

Late Bloomer: A Guide to Orgasm After Rape
How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... nt_line_up