Why does this keep happening?

[AttaccaAmoeba44]

Hello, I'm not sure how to start this because I created my account, like, a minute ago, but here is my problem.

So, it started around three years ago when I started High School. There was this guy, and he was really nice to me, and we kinda became friends (but not super close), and... I got feelings for him. I won't go into detail as to what happened as that is another story. The thing is, this same thing happened to a second guy that year, then the year after a third, and now a fourth this year...

I don't make many guy friends, and it seems like this happens every time I start getting close to a guy. It's so annoying because it's jeopardised my relationships with these guys as friends, and it makes me so sad. Why does this keep happening, can I stop this, or am I doomed to only ever see guys as potential romantic partners?

(For context, I've never been in a romantic relationship, and all but one of these guys are straight. Also sorry this sounds so dramatic. Sorry if this isn't what is supposed to be in this forum either, I just need advice)

[Latha]

Hi there, AttaccaAmoeba44- welcome the the boards!

Don't worry, I'm sure that you're not doomed to only see guys as romantic partners. If you don't mind, would you talk a bit about what goes on in your mind when you fall for these guys? And what are these feelings like?

[AttaccaAmoeba44]

Thanks for responding. When I fall for these guys it often starts off as thinking of becoming close friends with them, then develops into romantic feelings more intense then other crushes I have, I constantly make scenarios of how I would confess to them and always think about being in a relationship with them, going on dates, being intimate, telling each other everything, getting into arguments, fixing these problems, telling other people about our relationship and fantasizing about other milestones like moving in together, getting married, changing my surname, adopting kids etc. I feel so euphoric on what feels like truly loving them and being destined to be with them. All of this happens with the underlying knowledge that none of those things will ever come true, that there is nothing that I can do to make these things happen. I feel elated and hopeless at the same time. I wish I could just be friends with them when I'm not having romantic fantasies, but I can't get rid of these feelings. Essentially, it feels really good, slightly obsessive, really bad and plain annoying at the same time

Thanks for the assurance as well, it's appreciated

[Amanda B]

Hi AttaccaAmoeba44,

Thanks for giving us more information about how these feelings are experienced. Have you ever acted on these feelings for one of these people? I understand wanting to maintain friendships, but it could be the unknown of being in a romantic relationship that's causing these obsessive feelings. How would you feel about seeing if one of these crushes feels the same way towards you?

[AttaccaAmoeba44]

Hi,

I told the first guy I had feelings for him after a bit over a year and a half after it started. He was kind about it, said he liked me as a friend, promised not to tell anyone and said he was always here for me. I knew it was coming and was grateful he was so empathetic but it still hurt. I've always felt a bit awkward around him since then, but he's still friendly to me. And yeah, I've definitely considered telling another guy a lot, but it's hard to find a good time to and get the courage to. It's scary. I don't want to make things awkward. I'm beginning to think I need to tell him.

I understand wanting to maintain friendships, but it could be the unknown of being in a romantic relationship that's causing these obsessive feelings.

That's really true, an excellent point I hadn't thought of.

[Latha]

Hello AttaccaAmoeba44,

Honestly, it is understandable that it hurt, even if he was kind. I want to build off of what Amanda suggested for a moment: do you think it's possible that you've been falling for these guys because you're looking at them through romance-tinted glasses? I'm sure they have wonderful qualities, but maybe an interest in romance and the exciting unknown of being in a romantic relationship are what is causing you to feel this way.

[AttaccaAmoeba44]

do you think it's possible that you've been falling for these guys because you're looking at them through romance-tinted glasses? I'm sure they have wonderful qualities, but maybe an interest in romance and the exciting unknown of being in a romantic relationship are what is causing you to feel this way.

Yeah. I think this is what's happened, it makes so much sense when I think about it. So, I assume that means this will go away eventually, when I experience romance and relationships over time. That's very assuring.

[Sam W]

Hi AttaccaAmoeba44,

I'm glad what Latha said resonated with you! You're right that some of this is likely to fade with time and experience.

Part of that will likely also involve you learning to recognize when your crush or intense feelings for someone are about that person, specifically, and when they're about a more general desire to be in a romantic relationship or experience certain, romantic things. That's one of those things that really does get easier as we get older and start having a better sense of our emotional patterns.

[AttaccaAmoeba44]

Thank you, it's great to be able to recognise why this is happening. In the future I'll try to think harder about why I have feelings for someone. All these responses have been so insightful and have given me a deeper understanding of my emotions and feelings!

[Sam W]

I'm so glad talking here has been helpful! And if you ever want to talk through these feelings when they crop up in the future, you're always welcome to do so here!