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Why does this keep happening?

Questions and discussions about relationships: girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, partners, friends, family or other intimate relationships in your lives.
AttaccaAmoeba44
not a newbie
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Oct 14, 2023 1:25 am
Age: 16
Awesomeness Quotient: As my username suggests, I love music and biology!
Primary language: Just English :)
Pronouns: He/Him :)
Sexual identity: Gay or maybe Bi, I'm a bit unpredictable lol
Location: Australia (Let's not be too specific!)

Why does this keep happening?

Unread post by AttaccaAmoeba44 »

Hello, I'm not sure how to start this because I created my account, like, a minute ago, but here is my problem.

So, it started around three years ago when I started High School. There was this guy, and he was really nice to me, and we kinda became friends (but not super close), and... I got feelings for him. I won't go into detail as to what happened as that is another story. The thing is, this same thing happened to a second guy that year, then the year after a third, and now a fourth this year...

I don't make many guy friends, and it seems like this happens every time I start getting close to a guy. It's so annoying because it's jeopardised my relationships with these guys as friends, and it makes me so sad. Why does this keep happening, can I stop this, or am I doomed to only ever see guys as potential romantic partners?

(For context, I've never been in a romantic relationship, and all but one of these guys are straight. Also sorry this sounds so dramatic. Sorry if this isn't what is supposed to be in this forum either, I just need advice)
Latha
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 653
Joined: Sat May 22, 2021 6:13 am
Primary language: English
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: Queer
Location: India

Re: Why does this keep happening?

Unread post by Latha »

Hi there, AttaccaAmoeba44- welcome the the boards!

Don't worry, I'm sure that you're not doomed to only see guys as romantic partners. If you don't mind, would you talk a bit about what goes on in your mind when you fall for these guys? And what are these feelings like?
AttaccaAmoeba44
not a newbie
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Oct 14, 2023 1:25 am
Age: 16
Awesomeness Quotient: As my username suggests, I love music and biology!
Primary language: Just English :)
Pronouns: He/Him :)
Sexual identity: Gay or maybe Bi, I'm a bit unpredictable lol
Location: Australia (Let's not be too specific!)

Re: Why does this keep happening?

Unread post by AttaccaAmoeba44 »

Thanks for responding. When I fall for these guys it often starts off as thinking of becoming close friends with them, then develops into romantic feelings more intense then other crushes I have, I constantly make scenarios of how I would confess to them and always think about being in a relationship with them, going on dates, being intimate, telling each other everything, getting into arguments, fixing these problems, telling other people about our relationship and fantasizing about other milestones like moving in together, getting married, changing my surname, adopting kids etc. I feel so euphoric on what feels like truly loving them and being destined to be with them. All of this happens with the underlying knowledge that none of those things will ever come true, that there is nothing that I can do to make these things happen. I feel elated and hopeless at the same time. I wish I could just be friends with them when I'm not having romantic fantasies, but I can't get rid of these feelings. Essentially, it feels really good, slightly obsessive, really bad and plain annoying at the same time 😂

Thanks for the assurance as well, it's appreciated :)
Amanda B
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 132
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Age: 28
Awesomeness Quotient: I'm an excellent cook!
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Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: still figuring it out
Location: Northeast, U.S.

Re: Why does this keep happening?

Unread post by Amanda B »

Hi AttaccaAmoeba44,

Thanks for giving us more information about how these feelings are experienced. Have you ever acted on these feelings for one of these people? I understand wanting to maintain friendships, but it could be the unknown of being in a romantic relationship that's causing these obsessive feelings. How would you feel about seeing if one of these crushes feels the same way towards you?
AttaccaAmoeba44
not a newbie
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Oct 14, 2023 1:25 am
Age: 16
Awesomeness Quotient: As my username suggests, I love music and biology!
Primary language: Just English :)
Pronouns: He/Him :)
Sexual identity: Gay or maybe Bi, I'm a bit unpredictable lol
Location: Australia (Let's not be too specific!)

Re: Why does this keep happening?

Unread post by AttaccaAmoeba44 »

Hi,

I told the first guy I had feelings for him after a bit over a year and a half after it started. He was kind about it, said he liked me as a friend, promised not to tell anyone and said he was always here for me. I knew it was coming and was grateful he was so empathetic but it still hurt. I've always felt a bit awkward around him since then, but he's still friendly to me. And yeah, I've definitely considered telling another guy a lot, but it's hard to find a good time to and get the courage to. It's scary. I don't want to make things awkward. I'm beginning to think I need to tell him.
Amanda B wrote: Sat Oct 14, 2023 7:15 am
I understand wanting to maintain friendships, but it could be the unknown of being in a romantic relationship that's causing these obsessive feelings.
That's really true, an excellent point I hadn't thought of.
Latha
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 653
Joined: Sat May 22, 2021 6:13 am
Primary language: English
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: Queer
Location: India

Re: Why does this keep happening?

Unread post by Latha »

Hello AttaccaAmoeba44,

Honestly, it is understandable that it hurt, even if he was kind. I want to build off of what Amanda suggested for a moment: do you think it's possible that you've been falling for these guys because you're looking at them through romance-tinted glasses? I'm sure they have wonderful qualities, but maybe an interest in romance and the exciting unknown of being in a romantic relationship are what is causing you to feel this way.
AttaccaAmoeba44
not a newbie
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Oct 14, 2023 1:25 am
Age: 16
Awesomeness Quotient: As my username suggests, I love music and biology!
Primary language: Just English :)
Pronouns: He/Him :)
Sexual identity: Gay or maybe Bi, I'm a bit unpredictable lol
Location: Australia (Let's not be too specific!)

Re: Why does this keep happening?

Unread post by AttaccaAmoeba44 »

Latha wrote: Sun Oct 15, 2023 4:24 am
do you think it's possible that you've been falling for these guys because you're looking at them through romance-tinted glasses? I'm sure they have wonderful qualities, but maybe an interest in romance and the exciting unknown of being in a romantic relationship are what is causing you to feel this way.
Yeah. I think this is what's happened, it makes so much sense when I think about it. So, I assume that means this will go away eventually, when I experience romance and relationships over time. That's very assuring.
Sam W
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 10320
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
Age: 33
Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
Primary language: english
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: Coast

Re: Why does this keep happening?

Unread post by Sam W »

Hi AttaccaAmoeba44,

I'm glad what Latha said resonated with you! You're right that some of this is likely to fade with time and experience.

Part of that will likely also involve you learning to recognize when your crush or intense feelings for someone are about that person, specifically, and when they're about a more general desire to be in a romantic relationship or experience certain, romantic things. That's one of those things that really does get easier as we get older and start having a better sense of our emotional patterns.
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
AttaccaAmoeba44
not a newbie
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Oct 14, 2023 1:25 am
Age: 16
Awesomeness Quotient: As my username suggests, I love music and biology!
Primary language: Just English :)
Pronouns: He/Him :)
Sexual identity: Gay or maybe Bi, I'm a bit unpredictable lol
Location: Australia (Let's not be too specific!)

Re: Why does this keep happening?

Unread post by AttaccaAmoeba44 »

Thank you, it's great to be able to recognise why this is happening. In the future I'll try to think harder about why I have feelings for someone. All these responses have been so insightful and have given me a deeper understanding of my emotions and feelings!
Sam W
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 10320
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
Age: 33
Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
Primary language: english
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: Coast

Re: Why does this keep happening?

Unread post by Sam W »

I'm so glad talking here has been helpful! And if you ever want to talk through these feelings when they crop up in the future, you're always welcome to do so here!
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
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