Inexperience or assault?

[phenolphtalein]

Hi,

it‘s a bit embarassing but oh well. I am incredibly bad at oral sex (due to inexperience and past trauma). At least if one asked me to rank myself, I‘d say I‘m pretty bad. Now, to my question: I might be neurodivergent and therefore perhaps taking things too literally but as consent isn‘t taught where I‘m from, I had to turn to the internet and feminism to learn about it. I have learned that consent to one thing doesn‘t mean consent to all things and that one can revoke consent at any point, evem to specific acts. I do agree with that however my problem is: As I am bad at oral sex, I sometimes accidentally use teeth/touch my partners penis with my teeth. Once they‘ve voiced their discomfort / asked me not to use teeth I of course try to change this because I don‘t want them to get hurt but due to my inexperience I do not know how to adjust correctly. Sometimes, I end up still having my teeth in the motion. I feel incredibly bad. Is that assault or just inexperience? Technically, they did revoke their consent for oral sex with teeth in the mix and I didn‘t stop even though I really wanted to but I didn‘t know how to do a proper technique. They didn‘t revoke consent for oral sex though as they did want to continue it.

Could you help me figure this one out?

[Sam W]

Hi phenolphtalein,

There can be moments in consensual sex when someone accidentally causes their partner discomfort or does something where they have to correct their behavior due to feedback from their partner. And, as sounds like is the case for you, someone can be trying their hardest to respect a partners boundaries and still have a moment where they mess up without intending to. Those moments tend to fall more into the category of mistake rather than assault, because they're not done with the intention of ignoring a partners consent or boundaries, and they're not done to prioritize your desires over the other persons consent.

Have you checked in with your partners after this happens? If so, have any of them expressed to you that what happened was, to them, assault? I ask because the feelings of the other person about whether or not something went against their consent are a big part of how we define assault.

I do want to add that if you feel like you're having a hard time performing oral sex in a way that's comfortable for your partner (or for you, for that matter), it might make sense to take a break from oral sex, or to experiment with approaches to it that don't involve putting anything in your mouth.

[phenolphtalein]

Hi thanks for the reply,

I honestly don't know what to think.
My ex partner with whom this occurred did not feel violated but I'm beating myself up over it regardless. If it was just a mistake, how can someone else's opinion make or break something as serious as assault? For my social circle would (fortunately) shun anyone who has assaulted someone.

If someone wants me to do something and I do it for the first time and it goes, well, not well but they ask me to continue the act but not the part that hurt them, how can I figure out how to do it better without accidents? How can I make sure they won't say it's fine with them and later (after a breakup for example) decide it actually was assault?

I don't want to invalidate the experiences of people who have been assaulted. I have been, my the exact ex partner in question. But this is why I really want to get educated on consent. I'd hate myself if I did what was done to me.

[Sam W]

So, the tricky thing is that you can't control how others feel about something, or how they act. If, upon reflection, a person realizes that something that happened between you wasn't consensual on their end, that's something they get to do. The closest we can get to preventing that is to make sure we're being respectful of our partner's boundaries and communicating with them so that everyone is on the same page about what is and isn't okay.

I do think it's worth asking yourself: why you feel guilt even after your ex told you that they weren't bothered by that incident?

As for how to continue an act without the part that's causing discomfort, that's another place where communication is really important, as is the context of the action and where the discomfort is coming from. For example, maybe you need to change positions because while your partner is enjoying the activity, they can't keep their legs in a certain shape anymore. With the oral sex and teeth issue, maybe you switch to only using your lips and tongue. Like I said, it really depends on the context, so there's not going to be a single solution.

It sounds like you also want to know how to avoid accidentally hurting your partner. While we can avoid intentionally hurting a partner, avoiding accidental harm is a little trickier and there's no way to guarantee it won't happen, especially during something like sex where there's an increased level of vulnerability. Communication goes a long way towards preventing accidental harm, as does doing our best to be attentive to what's going on during sex (for instance, noticing if a partners tone changes, or if they wince). But there's no way to remove the risk of it entirely; that's always going to be at least a little present, even with two people doing their absolute best to be respectful and caring, because people can still make mistakes or miscommunicate. Does that make sense?

[phenolphtalein]

I guess I'm scared because I don't want to risk it. My ex assaulted me while I was kind of asleep (like shifting in and out of consciousness) multiple times and blamed it on me. I thought he was the person I could trust the most in my life; my heart shattered. Since then I've been scared that I'm also assaulting others. When I said he shouldn't touch me in my sleep because I didn't feel I could consent, he insinuated he would try but I should also stop teasing him (we both didn't have consent education in school so we did some teasing like sneaking away at parties being all "We should really go back to the others" while making out) making it seem like I was just as bad as him. Ever since I've been scared of myself because I know very well how it feels to be violated. I also suffer from OCD, making me feel like the worst human in the world. So yes, that is why I feel guilty. I'm so scared to make a mistake and then have someone change their mind later... putting me in the same range as someone who intentionally violated, manipulated and gaslighted their victim even though as you say mistakes apparently do happen. I'd want to unalive myself in that case; how could I ever live with something like that?

I've heard that assault is never a mistake; I firmly believe that. But I assumed that this also meant every mistake is always assault. To now be told everyone is at risk of mistakes equals everyone is always at risk of assault to me and I really don't want to live in this world then.
Because then nothing differences me and my abuser.

[Sam W]

Okay, before I say anything else, if you're at a point where you feel like you might hurt yourself, I need you to call one of the resources here and get support before we continue, okay? This thread will still be here. https://findahelpline.com/de/topics/suicidal-thoughts

The big thing I want to push back on--because it seems like it's at the heart of what's scaring you--is the assumption that every mistake in a sexual context is an assault. Because that's simply not true.

When we're talking about assault, we're talking about situations where someone pressures or forces someone else into doing something sexual that they don't want to do, or takes advantage of someone being unable to consent, such as someone being asleep or under the influence of alcohol or other drugs. They make a deliberate choice to prioritize their desires above someone else's consent.

But because people are human, and humans make mistakes, there can still be moments during consensual sex when someone causes accidental harm, and that harm isn't assault. Maybe two people are engaging in BDSM where there's impact play involved and someone hits too hard. Or maybe someone uses a word or phrase they think the other person will like but it turns out they really, really don't. Or maybe two people tried something they thought could be fun, but afterwards one of them feels kind of gross or upset by it.

Those are all mistakes or miscalculations, and I could name dozens more from my own life alone, and none of them are instances where one person assaulted the other.

There are a lot of other things in your reply to touch on, including the harm your ex did to you and the fact that OCD is very likely playing a role in all this, but I want to pause here to see how you're feeling about everything I just said.

[phenolphtalein]

Thank you so much for your answer, you're very kind.

It really isn't easy for me since all my information on consent is from the internet and activists. My school focused on reproduction and safe sex during "sex ed" (although it was part of our biology class which might explain why we didn't have consent lessons) and honestly, it has been quite the roller coaster. I 100% support survivors of abuse as I am one of them. Both my past relationships have been abusive and I'm struggling to be sexual in my healthy relationship now.

It's just scary that everyone makes mistakes but these mistakes can be used against us. Idk about other generations but anecdotally, I know that gen z does use assault allegations as manipulation, bullying and to gain the upper hand in arguments. This doesn't negate the fact that assaults are unfortunately underreported. But suddenly, we find ourselves in a context in which an actual mistake might destroy my social life and career opportunities. Or even if my partner wholeheartedly believes it was assault but from my POV it was a mistake, who is "right" in this? According to feminist rhetoric it's always the victim and I totally get that. At the same time it just feels like people say "you will make mistakes but if your partner suddenly decides something it will inevitably count as assault and people will shun you". What kind of life is this? I want to have sex with my partner in the future but it seems impossibly risky; even if I trust them now, my history shows that perhaps trust isn't enough in the future

[Sam W]

So, I think it's important to note that, according to the data we have, false allegations of assault are vanishingly rare. And that, as far as we know, gen Z isn't any more prone to making them than the generations before them. That doesn't mean that they never happen; more that when they do, culturally they get highlighted because we still live in a culture where the default is to seek proof that survivors of assault are lying.

Too, in instances where someone calls something assault after the fact, that usually has more to do with them having time to reflect, or them being told something is considered assault that they didn't previously think of that way (this is especially true when things like coercion are involved, as a person may have verbally consented but only because the other person pressured them into it). Not with them deciding that a minor mistake by a partner suddenly counts as assault. Assault is a serious accusation, and so people don't make it lightly.

For reference, in the ten years I've worked here, and in the time I worked as a rape crisis advocate, I don't think I ever saw someone insist that a miscommunication or mistake during consensual sex was now an assault because they'd had time to think about it. What was more common was someone bringing me a scenario where consent had clearly been violated and wondering if it "counted." Or someone telling me about how it couldn't be assault because this person was their partner/they'd agreed to the thing in the past/they'd said yes so they person would stop giving them the silent treatment/etc and then learning through our conversation that those situations could, in fact, be assault.

You mention you've been educating yourself through feminist spaces. Are those spaces exclusively online or social media?

[phenolphtalein]

I agree and disagree with you. I do believe that overall, false allegations are rare. I myself would count my case towards the "does that count" group as I have realized upon reflection that yes, it does count and it was assault. So I see where you're coming from and agree. No one just randomly decides something was an assault later on.

Where I do disagree is though that in (apparently 2% of) cases, often after a breakup of an abusive relationship, false allegations can be made. And a mistake can fit perfectly in this. That's what I'm scared of. If I came forward with my story, could my abuser play an uno reverse card with my own mistakes?
Or, if I broke up with someone abusive in the future and they would start spreading rumors about me, would a mistake during intimate times stay a mistake or would it automatically become an assault because the participant said so? I'm scared of that.
Maybe because my ex used to justify touching me in my sleep by saying I'm just as bad as him for teasing him when he wants to get back to a party (just to clarify, after he said that I stopped this completely. Before, we both would say playfully "we should get back to them, they probably wonder where we are" but continue to cuddle, kiss and touch each other. Once it became clear from the tone and seriousness in our voices, we would stop and respect each other and it had never been a problem which is why I was that shaken. I have never wanted to assault him).

[phenolphtalein]

And yes, the spaces are exclusivly online because my social circle doesn't know consent as we've never been taught.

[Heather]

Hi there, phenolphtalein.

The sense that I am getting from your posts is that what's really going on here is that you are having fears when it comes to cancel culture, but that you're also upholding some parts of that that really are very problematic, like equating accidentally hurting someone's body with a part of your body that isn't within your control with assault.

I also think that it sounds like it's been hard for you to find clarity with some of this because it's very centered on interactions with someone you've made clear is abusive. When we're in an abusive relationship -- or even have left it, but our minds are still in the place we were in it -- finding clarity is always extra tricky because of the gaslighting that is part and parcel of nearly every kind of abuse.

I don't think it's beneficial keep going back and forth about whether or not you...well, having teeth in your mouth that, like nearly everyone's teeth, are going to scrape the occasional set of lips, labia or penis is or isn't assault. It just isn't. (There's also some tacit ableism in suggesting that people who don't have somehow perfect control of their bodies and all of their parts are abusing people when their bodies do things outside of their control, but that's a conversation for perhaps another day.)

Same goes for equating earnest mistakes or accidents with assault. Long story short, the motive to control, harm or take is what makes assault assault, and even if and when a person, their friends, or their online circles suggest otherwise, that really doesn't change that. It just means that that group of people is misunderstanding, misinformed, or both. I'm going to ask that we do leave that back and forth at this point. I just don't think it's serving you here, and I also feel like it's kind of keeping this discussion from hitting on what might be the larger underlying issues.

In your last response in the thread, you voiced fears about what the "next" abusive person you get involved with could do when it came to misrepresenting a mistake you made as intentional harm you did, and those fears seem to mostly be based in the idea that this notion mistakes can be misrepresented is the big issue. To me, though, from where I am sitting, that issue isn't what mistakes you or anyone might make, it's about the person engaging in misrepresentation in order to do you harm. In other words, it's not your mistakes that could do you harm here, but that person who would weaponize them. Do you get what I mean?

A lot of this, to me, boils down to doing what we can to slowly build earned-trust with people over time, and only be more and more vulnerable with them to match that trust as its built. Unfortunately, manipulative and/or abusive people can be very engaging and not always easy to spot, so there's not way any of us can control whether or not we are with anyone abusive. If only! But what we can do are things like accept that we can't control what abusers do, we can only try to avoid them, and, when we can't, get away from them as soon as we can and work on leaving all the garbage they put in our heads behind. We also can not be sexual (or physical, or very vulnerable emotionally) with people until we are as sure as sure can be that they are NOT abusive people. We can, too, accept, that if and when we wind up in something abusive, whatever that abusive person does to us to harm us is about what THEY are doing, not what we are, and is their responsibility, not our fault.

I think moving this conversation forward, it sounds like what might help you the most are things like talking about how you can leave this abusive relationship more fully behind you and your psyche, and also perhaps direct you to some resources about consent and abuse that are more reliable, nuanced and educated than it sounds like you have been running into online. Too, it sounds to me like talking more about how you can do everything in your power not to get intimately involved with someone abusive again vs. what might happen to you if you do would be a lot more beneficial.

What do you think?

[phenolphtalein]

Hey thanks, could you perhaps delete my last response (and perhaps yours as well?), it actually triggers me more than it does help me. I didn't realize that before, sorry. That would be very kind thanks.

I am in therapy atm so I am getting a lot of help. I think you're right about my fears coming from past abusive relationships. I also think my ex used some rather nasty methods to cover up his abuse, which now make me so fearful. He basically told me I had been abusing him as well so I couldn't be mad at him. I was quite scared if that is true or not and I'm scared to be ostracized if word got round. Probably won't though because for one I think he was just trying to play down what he did and also because it would wreck our family relationships as his parents are quite close with part of my family (not immediate tho, my parents would 100% believe me). I think going forward, I need to learn to be less panicky about things when there is no reason to be but also recognize abusive relationships. So far I had to problem getting out of them because I often just became more of a burden to my exes because of my anxiety so they either vroke up with me themselves or didn't care when I broke up. Still thank you for the support though.

[Sam W]

I'm glad you're getting some support through therapy!

You're right that the trick your ex used is really nasty. It's also really, really common. Saying "I'm not abusing you, YOU are abusing ME" not only lets them deny what they're doing, it helps to further warp the other person's sense of what's going on and what abuse is, making it less likely that they'll try to leave.

When it comes to learning how to identify abuse, or the signs that it might be a risk, do you feel like you have any sense of the basics of doing that, but there are certain elements of it that you feel unsure on? Or do you feel like you don't even know where to start?

I do want to say that, as someone with anxiety, I promise you're not automatically a burden to any future partners. Lots of people with anxiety can and do have loving relationships, even at times when their anxiety is on a high level or otherwise causing issues for them.