I have difficulty in masturbation

[Anonymous1912]

I am 18 (female) and I have been trying masturbation for few years and none of the times, I have orgasmed or have been able to make it work. The problem with me is that I am too much into getting the results that I can't seem to enjoy anything. I have tried having patience but I don't know I just lose interest. I also get tired extremely easily and everytime I start feeling really good, i for some reason stop because it feels like it's too much and I have tired being gentle but that then doesn't do anything for me. I can't buy any kind of toys or make them for some personal reasons but I just don't know how to get myself to actually feel satisfied. I would appreciate any help I can get

[Chante_13]

Hello Anonymous1912,

This sounds frustrating, but I think it's a part of learning about your body. It sounds like you are focusing too much on the end goal and other factors and not enjoying the act of masturbation. I recommend creating an environment that makes you feel more comfortable if you can. Also, don't focus on whether you orgasm or not. Concentrate more on what you like and don't like until you find your grove to reach that point.

[Sam W]

Hi Anonymous1912,

In addition to what Chante recommended--going at your own pace, being patient with yourself as much as you can--can you tell me a little bit about how much your brain is engaged in what's going on when you masturbate? Are you really into a fantasy or piece of sexual media? Or do you feel bored, stressed, or otherwise just not into what's going on?

[Anonymous1912]

Well honestly in the beginning, I have a fantasy in mind but i am never really able to get fully into it. I have tried various scenarios and sometimes it does turn me on but because i can't do a lot of things since i live with my parents, I have to make sure that I am not making any noises and i have to be super cautious so ig that does ruin a bit of my mood. I also have limited ways of masturbation since my hands doesn't do much for me and i just easily get tired and the moment that happens i start losing interest in the entire situation and after that everything just feel like a chores.

[Nadine E.]

Hi there Anonymous1912,

It can definitely be hard to fully get or stay in the mood if you’re worried about being heard. Are there certain times of the day or night when your parents might not be around or are asleep when you might have fewer distractions or concerns?

And in terms of how you’re masturbating, are you primarily using your hands or have you tried other ways? When you get tired, is that when you’re using your hands directly to stimulate, or is it in general no matter how you’re masturbating?

And for some people, stimulating certain parts of our bodies can feel too intense at times. Have you explored different parts of your body that might feel good to you that aren't as intense?

[Anonymous1912]

I mostly do it at night when they are asleep. I have tried few other things other than my hand but I get tired no matter what way. I only feel it's too much when I do a certain thing so I don't do it as much or do it very little but most of the times, the problem also occurs that I stop feeling pleasure after few minutes. I have tried stimulating other parts but the same problem happens

[Heather]

Hey there.

Can I ask if there are other ways in your life that you have been able to experience pleasure and really get into just the experience, without having any kind of goal? For instance, maybe with eating or cooking, with some kind of sport or movement, with a creative pursuit like making art or music, or like hanging out with friends and doing something that just makes you really enjoy yourself?

[Anonymous1912]

I haven't been able to enjoy anything for a long time but there are times i enjoy writing. It does give me a lot of happiness in few moments but ig the results have always been more of an important factor for me in everything. I have always been only able to focus on results which is the reason I don't honestly enjoy any kind of activities. I rarely try anything out as I already have a fear in my mind that good results won't be there

[Heather]

So, it sounds like this is a bigger issue that's also impacting your masturbation, but not just your masturbation. Usually anhedonia -- the term for not experiencing pleasure or joy in things -- is connected to issues like depression or anxiety. Are either or both of those things that you live with or think you might?

[Anonymous1912]

I am diagnosed with depression and I do have a severe anxiety. I tend to overthink everything which ig makes it less enjoyable to do anything. Honestly I have never been too much into masturbation. I have always preferred to do these things with somebody but with the way my parents are i can't have a boyfriend and I am super sexually frustrated so I tried masturbation but everytime it just doesn't work out. I have tried seeing stuff and reading on how to do it correctly and properly but I don't know why i always seems to lose interest or get easily tired which leads to loss of interest

[Heather]

So, I'd surmise that the big why here is probably your depression, and that this most likely would or will be something you'd experience to at least some degree with a partner, too, especially after the zing of new interactions or the newness of a relationship wears off.

Are you getting any treatment for that depression? If not, chances are awfully good that if you were getting effective treatment for it that worked for you, you might have a different experience with masturbation than you have.

It doesn't sound to me like the issue here is that you're not doing the "right" things physically. Instead, it sounds like the issue is itself psychological (for the record, it much more often is with a lot of sexual issues people have, which isn't surprising since our enjoyment of sex, or lack thereof, has way more to do with our brains than our other parts). If we're not really excited about whatever kind of sexual activity we're part of, if we struggle to really go all-in with pleasure or have a hard time feeling it, or if our nervous systems are literally depressed then it's rare that anything we do physically is going to override that. Do you get what I'm saying?

[Anonymous1912]

I guess I do get what you are saying. I am not really getting any treatment because normal therapy didn't work for me once and now my parents are convinced that no doctor can fix me and they just leave it at that. I guess it's my mind which is being the trouble. I just got scared that since I am not feeling any kind of pleasure, maybe there is something wrong with me when I do enjoy and crave for that sort of pleasure. Thanks for your help though. I guess I just have to bear with it till I can get my mental issues sorted out. Thanks again

[Heather]

Talk therapy usually isn't very effective for depression, especially not by itself. It's usually medication that has a greater success rate. That might be something you can look into on your own with a doctor, regardless of what your parents think. (And I am so sorry they have been so dismissive of this and have taken that attitude about you. That sounds really hurtful.)

I don't think this is about anything being wrong with you, including depression, which is so very common among people. I'd even say it's probably the #2 thing that gets in the way of sexual pleasure for people after shame.

[Anonymous1912]

Thank you so much for helping me out. You've been great. Medication didn't work out for me in the past but I will see to what can benefit me and probably try and convince my parents. If you don't mind me asking, what do you think I can do about being sexually frustrated though? I mean ik for a fact that I am not going to get better instantly and idk what to do to not get myself tired because whatever I do, i get tired within few minutes of it but I crave for that kind of pleasure and even if it is for a bit, i would like to feel it. Do you think there is something I can do to even meet halfway?

[Heather]

I understand. It can often take experimenting to find what works for us -- different medications, a medication plus a certain kind of therapy, and life changes, too. By all means, if you're living in a place or family that makes you feel bad, that feeds your depression, that's also going to be hard for anything to counter, so I'd say that if getting out on your own to live somewhere else could be an option, I'd be looking into what you need to do to make that happen someday, too. <3

You know, if and when someone -- including myself! -- has had a long pattern of some kind of sexual frustration like this, what I will often suggest is temporarily stepping away from sex as the outlet you're trying to find most of your physical or sensual pleasure in and suggest trying some different outlets your mind and body don't currently associate with frustration.

A lot of what we get from sex when it's satisfying aren't things that are exclusive to sex: hormone hits like endorphins and dopamine, the experience of being in and expressing feelings with our bodies, exploring our senses. These are all things we can get from other places, too, and sometimes may be more accessible to us via other outlets.

Movement is a biggie, especially if you also have depression. If you have a new way you can start to explore movement as something that's about you just enjoying and feeling good in your body, that might be a great place to start. Even just free dancing to music you love in a private space can fulfill that. If not that, try and explore something (or more than one thing) where your senses, your body, and pleasure can or might come together with you.

If and when we can do that, not only do we often find we can get a lot of what we look for in sex, it can also help us to access pleasure again in ways that can in time help us reconnect with sexual pleasure.

You also can certainly masturbate just to feel good for as long as it feels good if you like. It might help to try and disconnect your attachment to anything else from that except just what pleasure you get from it in the moment, really committing to that for the time it does feel good, if you know what I mean?

[Anonymous1912]

I understand, I'll do my very best to try everything you have suggested. Thanks for being so incredible

[Heather]

Oh gosh, you're welcome: happy to have been of help at all. Sorry we can only do so much to help!