my mother is extremely homophobic and it hurts

[liamesecat]

I don't want to mention specifics here, but for information:
My mother is extremely religious— at least by irreligious standards. For our religion, she's pretty much moderate— which can give you an idea of what kind of culture we are in.

She's extremely homophobic, but she's also quite the succint and well-read woman— she doesn't show how ragingly homophobic she is in public, doesn't curse out the rare gay couple in public— and if you asked her, as an outsider or a coworker, she would just sound like she is mildly uncomfortable because it isn't her thing, but mostly apathetic. In the privacy of our home and our family members, though, she shows her true colours.

She supports conversion therapy, especially the forceful type, and often talks about 'curing' gay people of their homosexuality. She often derides the gay people she sees in media, and most often she 'calls out' to me how they are 'ruining the world' and making it seem as if though being gay is normal — to her, being straight is the correct and not sinful option. She constantly insults them under her breath, warns me away from them, talks about how they are ruining the world, etc. etc. Once she warned me to stay away from girls who were trying to be 'too friendly' to me because they could be lesbians in disguise. Constantly, she reminds me how it is a sin, and how I will be punished for it.

And, being a lesbian myself, with a girl who has been the light of my life, who has been a wonderful girlfriend— being called a sinner that ruins the state of the world? Being seen as a sort of pedophilic predatory thing instead of someone who just wants to find a form of love that fits? It hurts. I cannot cry much, as I rarely am able to cry, so it just hurts on the inside, in my heart, like a physical pain. I am so afraid of getting found out, and I am so afraid of losing my mother's love...

I hate being the evil one, the one corrupting everything...

[Sam W]

Hi liamesecat,

I'm so, so sorry that your mother is so openly homophobic, and that you're stuck in an environment where you have to listen to her say horrible things about queer people as a category.

As starting places, I think these two pieces could be helpful for you to read, as they touch on different ways to hang on when you're stuck in a home where you can't be out and be safe: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/gend ... ur_forever, https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... lationship. Reading them, do you see strategies you could try, or that you think might work or that you're not sure about how to do?

Too, since it sounds like you mom is drawing on a lot of religious talking points to defend her horrible opinions, would it be helpful to you to have some religious counterpoints to that, so that you're not stuck feeling like you're a "sinner" for just being who you are?

Since you mention having a girlfriend in your other thread, can I ask if it feels like a safe or wise decision to continue that relationship given your mom's behavior? For instance, if she were to find out about you having a girlfriend, what do you think is the most likely outcome?

[liamesecat]

Thank you very much for the resources. They soothe my heart dearly.

Sometimes I do wonder if it is a wise decision as well— but analysing our relationship, nothing much has changed from being 'friends' to 'girlfriends'— we are just more comfortable with each other. There's not much of any other expectation of what we do together, and the only thing that has changed is that there is a mutually romantic attraction. I call her my girlfriend because that label comforts me, and makes me feel loved, in a way. Our relationship has never really directed into anything that people might consider 'explicitly dating'... so I try to keep as vigilant as possible on any displays of calling her 'my girlfriend' in texts.

My mother thinks my girlfriend is a very good friend— which she is. And she has given no indication of wanting to enter into anything...more (apologies, I am very shy with mentioning anything crude) and I don't either, so I think I am safe for now... thank you for your concern, though! Your question has helped me analyse what I want.

Thank you once more for all the advice ^-^

[Sam W]

I'm so glad talking here is helpful, and the pieces you've been reading are giving you useful information! If you ever want to talk more about navigating being queer in a hostile home, we're happy to have that conversation.