I don't know who I am

[Salafbiz]

Hey I am Ali and I'm 21
Over the last months, I have been struggling to find out who I am, sometimes it feels like I'm gay, and sometimes it feels like I'm not.
I have been masturbating for the past 3 years, and sometimes I may want to go anal, but I can't.
I can't talk this with friends or families because of cultural and religious issues.
I want to stop masturbating now but I can't, it feels like addiction. How do I know who I am?

[Willa]

Hi Ali! Welcome to the boards, we are happy to have you here

I am sorry you feel like you have no one to talk to about these things. To start can you tell me a little more about feeling like you might be gay? Is this because of an attraction towards people you have experienced? Sexuality can be very fluid and there are many people who experience attraction to a wide variety of people or identities.

In terms of masturbation, what makes it feel like addiction for you? Do you feel as though it is interfering with other aspects in your life or would you say you are struggling more with the idea of it itself? In general, masturbation is a completely healthy act and a normal part of life, that every person has the individual choice to participate in or not.

A first step in understanding ourselves and who we are, is often to work at understanding and unlearning the things we are taught to feel shameful about, such as sexuality or masturbation. Who we are attracted to and what we find pleasurable are a part of the many aspects that make us who we are as people.

[Salafbiz]

The reason I thought I was gay, is sometimes, I'm more attractive to male rather than females. I watch more of gay porn, even though I have never tried one. However at one point it seems like I'm a bisex, as I'm sometimes attractive to the other gender. It's just more confusing.
As regards to masturbation, I do feel like I'm giving it more focus than I should be, if say, I will be consistent with other things in my life the way I'm consisted with masturbation, I will definitely may had been better in terms of self development

[Latha]

Hi Salafbiz,

Oof, I understand how this could be confusing. It does sound like you've experienced attraction to both men and women here, so you could be bisexual. Bisexual people experience attraction to more than one gender- you don't have to feel the same kind and amount of attraction to different genders at all times to be bisexual. Does that make sense?

Sometimes masturbation can take a lot of our attention because it is pleasurable, but that doesn't mean it is bad or an addiction. Don't be upset with yourself for masturbating. Instead, try to incorporate more of those other things that you want to do into your life.

You mentioned that you sometimes want to try anal sex, but that you can't. You never have to have any kind of sex that you don't want or are not comfortable with, of course, but what makes you feel like you can't?

[Salafbiz]

One of the issues that makes me scared, is this are things that are regarded as illegal in my own part of the world. The penalty is a severe capital punishment, and I can't even talk this with any friends or family. It's the highest form of abomination or Taboo that one can do. And I there not allow my parents get a hints on this, my parents are very respectable in the community, and they can go to any extent to defend their tarnished image.

As to anal sex, I saw how it looks painful in porn, it might even hurt!
Let's even say it doesn't, finding a sex partner from where I am is close to impossible

[Sam W]

Hi Salafbiz,

I'm so sorry that you're currently stuck in an environment that is actively unsafe for anyone who is gay, bisexual, or otherwise queer. I imagine that makes the questions of curiosities you have about your own sexual orientation feel much more stressful. If you want to talk more about being potentially bisexual in an unsafe environment and how you might navigate that, that's certainly something we can discuss.

Anal sex, like really any kind of sex, can be painful or pleasurable. How it feels depends a lot on both individual preference and things like using a lot of lubrication and going slowly. If you wanted to explore anal stimulation but doing so with a partner would be unwise given where you live, you do have the option to explore it as part of masturbation, and if that's of interest we can give you some resources on how to explore that safely.

[Salafbiz]

I think we should discuss about navigating in an unsafe environment, because, any other thing will be only possible if I am safe!

[Latha]

Hi Salafbiz,

You deserve the freedom to explore your identity, and I'm sorry you don't have that. Regarding ways to navigate an unsafe environment, how would you feel about exploring ways to gain support and find connections with other LGBTQ people online while keeping people in your life from learning about this? Scarleteen is one place where you can always get support, but we could also try to help you find other communities.

On that note, is there any chance that your family will be able to see your internet history or look through your devices?

Many people in your situation seek to move to more accepting countries, usually by applying to study or work there. Is that something you would be interested in?

Are there any other concerns you have about your environment?