i’m a 17 y/o afab and i’m too nervous to try fingering myself

[wynntxr]

hi, my name is cassie and i’m so afraid to try fingering myself

i’ve never done it before in my life, but i think about it quite frequently. i’ve touched myself a little in the past but i haven’t ever fully pushed a finger in. either my family comes home before i can or my anxiety gets the best of me. my throat gets tight and i get a horrible pit in my stomach every time, making me feel horrible all over and killing my sexual mood. i’m not sure what i’m afraid of or why, but any help or advice with this would be very appreciated

[Sam W]

Hi Cassie,

I think it makes sense to start by figuring out where those nerves around this might be coming from. When you think about your feelings in those moments, are you afraid that what you're doing might hurt or be uncomfortable? That someone might find out or catch you? Something else?

[wynntxr]

hi sam,

i guess all of those things. i’m afraid i’ll accidentally hurt myself or do something wrong or have my mom or brother walk in on me. and i guess some part of me is afraid of this side of myself that’ll judge me or make fun of me for it. it sounds silly, but i guess i’m afraid that part of me wont see me the same way once i do

[Sam W]

Got it.

Something that might help is to know that all of the things you're worried about are things you can take steps to avoid or make less likely. For instance, going slow, using lots of lube, and listening to your body are all things that decrease the chances that masturbation will be painful. There are also things you can do to help protect your privacy and keep people from walking in on you (I really like the advice in this piece for ways of doing that: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexu ... rbating_at)


With that fear of judging yourself or seeing yourself differently, is that kind of negative self-interaction something you deal with often? Or is it more that it hasn't happened before but something about how you feel or think about masturbation makes you afraid that it will now?

I do also want to say that there's not really a way to do masturbation "wrong." Masturbation is all about exploring what feels good to our unique body, and there's not really a way we can do that wrong or right, because no matter what happens we're learning things about our bodies and sexual response. With that in mind, you don't have to try inserting fingers at all if it's stressful to you; plenty of people masturbate without inserting anything, and it may be that you're someone for whom that's the more enjoyable option. Does that make sense?

[wynntxr]

kind of, yeah

as for the fear of judging myself, it’s something i find myself dealing with most of the time. it mostly comes up when sexual thoughts or feelings arise, but it comes up with other things too (like when i pick at my skin or bite my tongue). i dont really know how to explain it, but i think it’s kind of like part of my brain is a person i think is cool, and i change the way i act and do things in order to impress them. i feel like certain things i do could ruin any hope of a positive bond, and that that part of myself will just be so. judgmental and disgusted. sorry i dont know if any of this makes sense

[Willa]

Hi Wynntxr,

Can you tell me a little more about how that part of your brain decides what is cool or uncool? For example, if you were to explore more with masturbation (something extremely normal and healthy), what would this part of your brain be telling you? Are these reactions rooted more in shame (perhaps from some aspect of your environment?), or are they the more negative connections that part of your brain may associate with the "type" of people who masturbate?

Trying things you have never done before can be intimidating, and it is normal to wonder how you may feel or be different after trying something new, but taking the time to understand these changes can be positive and exciting and can help a little with some of the anxiety that may be building up about the topic.

[wynntxr]

i dont know really. any time i think about masturbation or attempt to try it i just. i dont really hear a voice or anything i just get a feeling, telling me i should be ashamed and disgusted with myself. thats the best i can do to explain it

[Latha]

Hi Wynntxr!

That makes sense. Would you read the following article (Undoing Sexual Shame) and tell us what you think? It describes some steps you can take to manage and unlearn such feelings.

[wynntxr]

i can try, thank you so much