Is it normal that gaining weight makes me feel sexy?

[belled]

Content warning: I’ll be talking a lot about my weight in this post

Hi! I’m an 18-year-old queer girl and lately I’m having lots of weird thoughts about sex in relation to my weight. It’s a little complicated, but I’ll try to explain it clearly.

I’ve struggled off and on with body image since I was 12 or 13. I know I’m not overweight and I don’t have an actual eating disorder or anything, but my weight tends to fluctuate throughout the year, I get really insecure when I’m heavier.

About a year ago, I gained a little weight during the holiday season and I just felt really fat and gross, so I started looking for body positive models on Instagram. I found some photos of big, gorgeous women posing in bikinis and lingerie, and I had a little gay heart attack. I started having fantasies about sleeping with very large women. In the past, all my crushes were my size or smaller. I still feel attracted to skinny girls, but lately, bigger women just seem so much sexier. (Just FYI, I’ve never actually dated anyone, so my only experiences with attraction are with one-sides crushes).

Since I found those pictures, I’ve been having really weird thoughts about sex and my own body. I’ve gained 10 pounds in quarantine, and I think it’s making me horny. I’ve found that I get really turned on when I touch my stomach. Sometimes I hide in my room and rub my belly (especially after a meal), and I swear it feels so good. I’m even having wet dreams about being extremely fat or eating until I’m stuffed. I always identified as a more masculine queer girl with an athletic body, but I think being a bit heavier makes me feel more feminine and sexy.

For the first time in years, I’m not scared of getting fat. In fact, I sometimes catch myself wanting to gain more weight because I think larger women are so hot. I know I’m not one of those “extreme feeder” people, but sometimes I dream about being 100 pounds heavier and I get so turned on by the idea. I’m not going to start binge-eating just to get this new dream body, but I’ll admit I’m really curious about how I would look and feel if I keep gaining weight. I know everyone tells me that I’m not supposed to change my body just to be sexy, but I really like how I feel about myself and I don’t think putting on an extra 10-20 pounds would hurt. I’d still be considered a healthy weight. Is it wrong to gain weight on purpose just because it makes me feel hot?

Do you have any tips for dealing with the relationship between sexuality and body image?

[Sam W]

Hi belled,

People can find all sorts of things, including gaining weight or being on the bigger end of sizes, attractive. And that can include finding those traits attractive in themselves as well as other people. So there's nothing inherently weird about what you're describing. Too, there are plenty of people out there who have sexual preferences that tie into things like food or eating.

You can, of course, do what you want with your own body. But I'd caution against trying to gain 10-20 more pounds, if only because making radical changes to our bodies or diets (whether that's to gain weight or to lose it) can have unanticipated consequences for our health. That's why you'll see us recommending that anyone who wants to pursue a major change in their diet or body consult with a healthcare provider before embarking on it.

In terms of dealing with the relationship between sexuality and body image, are there certain elements of that relationship you want advice on or want to explore?

[belled]

Hi belled,

People can find all sorts of things, including gaining weight or being on the bigger end of sizes, attractive. And that can include finding those traits attractive in themselves as well as other people. So there's nothing inherently weird about what you're describing. Too, there are plenty of people out there who have sexual preferences that tie into things like food or eating.

You can, of course, do what you want with your own body. But I'd caution against trying to gain 10-20 more pounds, if only because making radical changes to our bodies or diets (whether that's to gain weight or to lose it) can have unanticipated consequences for our health. That's why you'll see us recommending that anyone who wants to pursue a major change in their diet or body consult with a healthcare provider before embarking on it.

In terms of dealing with the relationship between sexuality and body image, are there certain elements of that relationship you want advice on or want to explore?

Hi! Thank you so much for the quick reply! Your tips make me feel a lot better. I’m going to follow your advice and not try changing my weight on purpose. I didn’t really think about the potential health side effects tbh. I’ve been feeling super weird lately about my body, but your response is really comforting.

Bottom line, I think I’m trying to figure out how my perspective on my body changed so much in a short period of time. One day, I hated my body because I had gained a few pounds. Then a week later, I couldn’t stop touching my stomach and fantasizing about being fat. I just feel weird because it’s like my brain just switched from one extreme to the other.

I guess I’m just looking for some advice on how to handle this whole situation before it turns into an obsession or something. I just feel really overwhelmed by all these thoughts and feelings that are constantly bombarding me. Lately, I feel like I’m always horny and there’s no way to calm myself down. I’ve tried masturbating, but I’m honestly not a fan (I’m a bit of a germaphobe and I don’t like getting my hands dirty). I tried looking at pictures of hot women (I don’t feel comfortable looking for porn, so I usually look up pictures of women in bikinis and lingerie), but they only get me more worked up. I’ve thought about getting a toy to help, but I still live with my mom and I don’t want to risk having her find it.

I’ve found a few new ways to feel satisfied, but I’m not sure if they’re maladaptive. When I first started rubbing my stomach, it felt really calming. But now I feel like I can’t stop doing it. I find myself just grabbing at my tummy all day long. I also find myself overeating lately. Occasionally, I eat an extra helping at dinner, then sit in bed in my underwear and put my hands on my full belly. I don’t think it counts as binge eating because 1) I’m fully conscious and in control of what I’m doing and 2) it’s not like I’m eating enough for five people or anything. But I know it’s slowly making me gain weight, and eventually I won’t be able to keep doing it without my family realizing that something is going on. And I don’t want it to keep developing into an obsession that takes over my life.

Basically, I’m having trouble focusing on my everyday life because I feel like one big walking hormone. So I guess my bigger question is “How do I cool off in a healthy way so I can get back to my regular life?”

Thanks again for all your help.

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and I'm glad my answer was helpful!

In terms of feeling like a giant ball of hormones, I want to touch on masturbation really quick. You mention there's a little bit of germophobia going on, but there could be some ways of masturbating that help you release some of that pent up sexual feeling without grossing you out. For instance, what if you tried it in the bath or the shower? Or, if you could get them easily, using latex gloves when you masturbate? And if you're curious about sex toys but don't want to risk your mom discovering them, this article has ways for you to D.I.Y some from things you have around the house or can easily access: D.I.Y. Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition.

Are these changes to your body relatively new? And do you feel like your brain is still pinging back and forth between hating them and loving them?

[belled]

You're welcome, and I'm glad my answer was helpful!

In terms of feeling like a giant ball of hormones, I want to touch on masturbation really quick. You mention there's a little bit of germophobia going on, but there could be some ways of masturbating that help you release some of that pent up sexual feeling without grossing you out. For instance, what if you tried it in the bath or the shower? Or, if you could get them easily, using latex gloves when you masturbate? And if you're curious about sex toys but don't want to risk your mom discovering them, this article has ways for you to D.I.Y some from things you have around the house or can easily access: D.I.Y. Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition.

Are these changes to your body relatively new? And do you feel like your brain is still pinging back and forth between hating them and loving them?

Thanks Sam! I really like your tip about wearing latex gloves. I haven’t been able to do it in the past because it feels slimy and then I get too squeamish and tense to get my fingers in. I’ll definitely give it a shot. Also, I read the article you linked and I’ll definitely look into some of those options. I do have an old electric toothbrush on hand.

As for the changes in my body, I guess they’re fairly new? My body has been gradually filling out since I was about 13, but my metabolism has slowed down a lot over the past 2 years. I used to eat tons of junk food and never gain a pound. Now if I eat pizza and skip working out for a couple days, my pants get tight. I definitely feel conflicted about these changes. I feel like my body is stuck between two phases. Sometimes I wish I was still the skinny girl I was when I was 12, and sometimes I wish I was a gorgeous, thick goddess. And my brain can switch back and forth between both thoughts throughout the day. It’s all very confusing to me.

I think it’s complicated because I’m attracted to different body types in different ways. I’ve noticed that I feel more energetic and confident when I’m thinner, but I feel sexier and more feminine when I’m heavier. For me, there’s pros and cons to both body types.

[Sam W]

I'm glad some of the options in the article look doable!

Our bodies being in flux (or maybe noticeably in flux, since they're always changing to some degree) can definitely raise some complex feelings, or leave us question what we want our bodies to look like or what we want them to do. I wonder, what if you took some time to think about goals for your body that aren't necessarily tied to weight, but are tied to things that make you feel positive about yourself and what you see in the mirror? That could be a fitness goal (like gradually working up to a cool hike you want to take, or finding yoga that works for your body, and so on) or something more playful, like experimenting with make-up or clothes.

[belled]

I'm glad some of the options in the article look doable!

Our bodies being in flux (or maybe noticeably in flux, since they're always changing to some degree) can definitely raise some complex feelings, or leave us question what we want our bodies to look like or what we want them to do. I wonder, what if you took some time to think about goals for your body that aren't necessarily tied to weight, but are tied to things that make you feel positive about yourself and what you see in the mirror? That could be a fitness goal (like gradually working up to a cool hike you want to take, or finding yoga that works for your body, and so on) or something more playful, like experimenting with make-up or clothes.

That’s a really good suggestion! I kind of feel like I’m stuck in a fashion rut, and I’ve been contemplating getting a new look for a while. I never really thought about how it could help how I feel about myself, but I’ll definitely try it. I think I’ll start by trying some new makeup and clothes. Thanks for the idea!

[Sam W]

You're welcome, I hope you find some looks that make you feel stellar!

[Lonelynoodle]

Hi! I know this was posted a year ago, but I still wanted to reply as I'm going through something similar to you. I've always struggled with my weight and appearance from a young age and it got worse throughout the years. I don't have an eating disorder but I would try and avoid any food that I think will make me gain weight. I just wanted to say that you are not alone and that I also feel a similar way that you described in your post. Honestly, I think plus-size women are amazing and it would also feel sexy to be plus-size. I think when you restrict yourself you start to rebel and feel great once you give in to your fantasies. Thank you for sharing your experience and I hoped it helped you learn more about yourself. Your post helped me and made me not feel as alone as I did before.

[Thatgirl123]

I know this is an old post but I wanted to ask how it’s going for you and it your feelings have changed about this? I’m going through very similar. I personally I want to lose some weight and prefer being slimmer. I like being on the curvier side so my goal is about 150lbs, I gained about 40lbs since covid unintentionally but I fantasise about being bigger very often.I think this may be something I had deep in the back of my mind at an early age? As a kid I would make my barbies “fat” by stuffing their clothes, and was obsessed with the scene in Charlie and the chocolate factory when Violet grew bigger and bigger.

Other than that, I never thought about it until as a teen I ended up on steroid medication for 3 years due to a chronic condition and due to that I gained a lot of weight, my heaviest I got to because of it was 220lbs. And I feel this started when I felt bad about my body because I hated how much I gained and it was out of my control to lose. I wanted to feel attractive and then discovered people who were into weight gain online. It quickly became an obsessive fantasy to be fed by someone, and fantasise being squeezed into in tiny places and getting stuck,and I loved the tight feeling of being squeezed into my old clothes. I would have these weird phases were i would anonymously talk to a feeder online and show them my belly in tight clothes, and then delete all history and socials because of how ashamed I was of it. Since I stopped the steroid medication I very quickly dropped down to 155lbs which I felt amazing as, I never felt so good and confident and I’m trying to get back down to that weight.

But since covid I unintentionally have gone back up to 195lbs, which actually was the weight I was back in Highschool so I’ve always been on the heavier side naturally and I don’t eat a lot on a daily basis and I usually avoid highly processed and unhealthy foods. I have a relatively healthy diet aside from not eating as regularly as I should and I haven’t had much exercise in a while due to chronic pain.

But most recently I discovered a male friend of mine was also into female weight gain and Feederism, mostly in a fantasy way as we both said weight gain eventually gets to a gross extent if you go too far. We’ve became very close and this has opened up that habit of me obsessing over bloating and wanting to be fed by someone again, especially because I feel sexier when I’m heavier. We text and talk about fantasising about him feeding me and making my belly enormous and rubbing it. I have this obsessive love for feeling full and heavy and being on top of a man who enjoys it even if I’m crushing him. I don’t know why that turns me on so much, and in general I’m pretty asexual/demi-sexual aside from the thought of that. I don’t have much of a sex drive at all, I’m still a virgin and don’t really care for it. But the one thing that turns me on is imagining having sex while being extremely bloated and full and being fed. I don’t understand why at all. This week I’ve intentionally drank 2.5 litres of water in one sitting after already having dinner and took before and after pictures and videos for myself in a tight dress and playing with my belly just because I love seeing how round and big I get. I don’t want to actually gain weight, but I love the feeling of being fat and bloated. I don’t know why at all. I once saw a video of a big girl sitting on a man’s lap and he has his hands reached around her and playing with her bloated belly and it just looked so intimate and hot to me. Especially with how squashed he looked underneath and how soft she looked.

I don’t know if I’m straight or bi but bigger women are so attractive to me. I have a few bigger girls I follow online who I am so extremely attracted to, I love how soft and big they are and how feminine they look. They look so pretty and perfect and I’m in a mix of wanting to look like that or being extremely attracted to girls like that. I’m sure this is just another obsessive temporary fixation for me that’ll be over eventually again but I just don’t understand the physiological side of it. I understand some fetishes are sparked by things that happen during development, but this one I literally can’t pin point what could be the cause of it or why it satisfies me so much

[Sam W]

Hi Thatgirl123,

You know, one of the fascinating things about sexual preferences or the things people refer to as kinks are that they don't always have an identifiable origin (I know fetish is often used in the same way as kink, but it actually refers to a specific object tied to sexual gratification, rather than a behavior). So the answer may be there isn't a specific cause of it or reason why you find it so arousing.

That being said, sometimes a behavior being tied to something we feel is taboo or simply not permitted to us can make it sexually appealing. It sounds like weight has been something you felt a need to have a lot of control over, and that gaining weight is something that's pretty fraught for you (including the fact that you perceive bodies over a certain size as gross, when in reality that's just another way that bodies can look). When you think about the fantasies about weight gain and eating, is part of the appeal for you maybe a sense of freedom? That your body is that bigger size and no one--including your own self-talk--is making you feel crummy for it and is instead treating it as desirable?