Coming out

[andrej]

Hi! I know being in my late 20's I'm not a teen anymore, but you always give me such good advice.

I have a boyfriend of 3 years now and we have a wonderful relationship and I really want to move in with him and we're both ready to start living together. However, I am not out to my parents and that's something I would have to do, tho I am extremely scared of doing.

I have a steady job and I'm an adult and my parents are back at my hometown, but I am currently living in my parents' apartment in the city. We had difficulties in our relationship, but now things have been great. I know they're homophobic and we had huge fights about it before. They have already met my boyfriend and think he's wonderful (tho they just think he's a friend). We're not very close, but they do ask a lot of questions and are interested in my life and would definitely wonder and ask why am I moving out of their apartment and where so I can't just cut them off and disappear completely.

I get panic attacks when I think of coming out to them, but it seems like a necessary step to move in with my boyfriend and to start feeling like a completely independent adult. I just don't know how to do it. Do you have any advice and strategies on coming out as gay to your homophobic parents? lol

I am also deeply worried about how my coming out would affect the relationship between my parents, and them and other siblings and relatives and I just keep spiralling to these hypothetical scenarios.

[Sam W]

Hi andrej, good to see you again!

This sounds like a really tough situation to be in, and I can see why it's causing you so much stress.

The tricky thing is that, when it comes to coming out to homophobic parents, sometimes not coming out is really the safest option. But, as you've pointed out, this is also a situation where unless you cut them off completely (which you're in your rights to do if that felt like the safest option), they're probably going to work it out once you're living with your boyfriend, which gives you even less control over your coming out than if you tackled it directly.

One option would be to tell them you're moving in with your "friend" and then tell them once you're already out of the house and living with your boyfriend. It's not that strange for people in their 20s or 30s to live with friends, so it might not tip them off to what's really going on. And if you come out to them once you're no longer in the same house, that could provide a serious buffer for you in terms of their reaction.

Speaking of their reaction, what's your sense of how they're likely to react to this? It sounds like it probably won't be positive (though we can always hope that they surprise you and decide to prioritize their connection with you over their homophobia), but what kind of bad do you think it's likely to be? A big , verbal fight? Trying to hurt you? Threatening to cut off resources you might still need? I ask because different negative reactions require different approaches, especially when it comes to your safety.

You mention you're worried about this effecting the other relationships in your family. Do you mean your relationship with other family members, or the relationships between different family members because some might support you and others might not?

[andrej]

Hi Sam, thank you for your response!

I feel like it would be disrespectful to my boyfriend to just call him a friend in front of my parents. He would be understanding and supportive even of that option, but I feel like it goes against my principles. I also feel like I actually do need to be upfront and honest about myself and the way I live my life. Not like in a in-your-face kind of way, but more in an assertive and self-respectful way. Being upfront with them would help me leave some baggage behind, I feel. I don't feel the need to explain my identity to them, but I do feel the need to give them honesty about my relationship with my boyfriend. I don't need to tell them I'm gay, I just wanna tell them 'he's my boyfriend and we're gonna move in together'.

My parents have made some mistakes, but they really are involved in me and my sisters' lives, I can give them that. They do ask questions, maintain relationships, call me, show interest in my life, etc. That's why it would be really difficult to actively hide some basic information from them (such as where and with whom I live) and I don't want the stress of lying every day.

I am open to them surprising me with a positive reaction, but I don't think it's too likely too happen. Not impossible, but not likely. They caught me watching gay porn when I was 14 and they were raging and even kicked me out of the house (for a few hours, tho) and I felt awful for months, it was a horrible experience. My dad was aggressive and my mom is always exclusively supportive of him and his feelings. We managed to stabilize our relationship over the years and he's definitely less aggressive than ever before, but I still fear his potential verbal abuse and explosive reaction. I don't depend on any of their resources any more (I do still live in an apartment they own in another city, but that's going to change anyway at some point, might as well now) so that's good.

I am afraid they're going to cut me off emotionally and that's gonna hurt a lot, and also that me coming out is going to destroy the relationship between mom and dad, and dad and everyone else. My sisters are supportive of me and my boyfriend, but I know they're still scared of dad and his reaction, even though they're adults as well and live independently. I am also scared of what to tell grandma. I don't want to come out to her, but she's gonna know if me and my parents get into a fight and I'm not sure how to handle that either.

It would be the best if me and my boyfriend would just move to some other country far away, but I feel like that'd be just running away from my problems.

[Sam W]

It makes a lot of sense that you're wanting to live a bit more openly, and be able to be truthful about the fact your boyfriend is, well, your boyfriend. But I can absolutely understand how such an intense, awful response from your parents when you were 14, and the fact that it sounds like your dad was (and probably still is) verbally abusive would leave you feeling like coming out in any way is going to be met with a strong, negative reaction.

I think the main question to ask yourself is this: since you're confident being honest about your boyfriend will lead to a negative reaction from your parents, including possibly emotionally cutting you off, how prepared do you feel to deal with the fallout from that? Because ultimately you're the one who can decide when the costs of continuing to be closeted outweigh the costs that might come with your parents reaction to your coming out.

If you feel ready, or close to it, we can talk about the steps you could take to come out and to try and minimize the hurt from their reactions. If it feels like there are still costs--emotional, material, or otherwise--that you're not sure you can handle right now, we can also talk about how to get to a place where those might be more manageable.

[andrej]

Huh I don't feel well prepared to deal with possible negative reactions, that's true and that's the main issue. Even though I am objectively in a different position now at almost 30 years old, than I was at 14 when the subject of me being gay first came out, I still feel super scared and anxious. It's like my mind knows that I'm independent and capable of living on my own without their help or support, but my body doesn't believe it.

It would be extremely helpful to get some strategy and tips on how to handle the conversation with them, and also how to handle myself after possible negative reactions from my parents.

I don't know if it would be better to do it in person, in a formal and serious tone, or just casually, should I text them, e-mail them, should I just move in with my boyfriend and tell them as-a-matter-of-factly that that's the situation now,...I don't know :/

I know I have a loving, supportive boyfriend, I know I have a lot of friends and a strong support network. I also know I won't end up in the street cause I have a job and money and can get a place of my own. I also have support in my sisters. These are my resources.

And the cost of staying closeted outweighs even the most negative reaction from them, but me living freely, truthfully and openly. I feel like my skin is too tight and that's time to let it go. I want to leave all that baggage in my 20s and enjoy 30s carefree (at least around this subject). To summarize, I feel it's time, but I'm also paralyzed with fear haha

[Sam W]

It makes total sense to me that even as you're nearing 30, your brain still reacts to the idea of coming out to them as if you were 14; their reaction was awful, and your whole brain and body remembers that. So it's reacting with fear and caution because it doesn't want that to happen again, even though logically you know you have way more power to protect and distance yourself than you did as a teenager.

As for how to come out to them while doing as much as you can to shield yourself from their reaction, I think coming out at a distance--over the phone, via email, etc--is likely to be the best call. It means there's literal distance between you and them, but also that you have a way of leaving the interaction if they're aggressive or cruel. You can hang up the phone, or not reply to the email (email does have the added benefit of you not having to immediately deal with their reaction, since there's likely to be at least a little delay).

You're going to be the expert on how you want to phrase and frame your coming out and moving in with your boyfriend. But I'd present it as you telling them, not asking them. In other words, even in your own mind, avoid framing this as something you're asking their permission to do or opening up for debate; this is a done deal, not something they get to try and argue you out of.

I'd also suggest giving your sisters a heads-up before you talk to your parents. That can help you and them plan for how they can support you when/if your parents react badly, but it also keeps them from being blindsided if your parents decide to ask them for information, if they knew, etc (and if any of them are still living at home, they may want to plan to be out when you talk with your parents so they're not dealing with their immediate reaction to the news).

One other thing I'd suggest is to figure out a plan for your self-care or community care after you have this conversation. Things that will help you feel loved and supported, or even help you take your mind off of how the conversation went. Having that plan in place can help a lot, because you know that once the conversation that's worrying you is over, you'll be taken care of.

How does all that sound?

[andrej]

It sounds logical and sensible, I agree with you and thank you.

I think the call would be the best option and me telling them in person in their house would be the worst one. Do you think it's better to tell them together or separately? My mom is easier to handle because she doesn't get verbally abusive, but she always sides with dad and becomes obsesses about him not getting his feelings hurt so I feel she would just try to make me feel guilty and not tell him anything.

It is a good advice to give my sisters a heads-up, thank you. And I absolutely agree on phrasing the words as me telling them, not asking them. Though, I probably am going to sounds scared and passive, I still want them to know that it's a done deal.

I still don't know how to work out the timing and manage the stress and anxiety around it. Also it could probably get my parents involved in a fight between each other and I don't want to feel responsible for disrupting family atmosphere for any of my family members.

[Sam W]

I agree with you that a call sounds like a good option. My inclination would be to tell them both at once, if for no other reason than you only have to have one rough conversation instead of two.

As for how to manage the timing, since you know this is going to be stressful, I'd do what you can to have this talk on a day where you know you have nothing important to handle once you get off the phone. That way you're both giving yourself time and space after it to take care of yourself, and you're not putting something else you need to do--an important project at work, dinner with a friend, etc--at risk of not getting done.

When it comes to managing the stress of this more generally, are there things you find help you feel less stressed when waiting to do something? Or that help you calm down once a stressful thing has passed? Too, you could even plan to do something low-key and fun/distracting after the call as a way of rewarding yourself for doing something really, really hard.

It's really kind of you to be worried about this causing a fight between your parents. But I think an important thing to keep in mind is that if they do fight, they're responsible for that, not you. They can choose how they react to what you tell them, and they can choose how to interact with each other in the wake of what you tell them. You're doing your part by being honest and open about this; what the choose to do with this news is on them, you know?

[andrej]

Yes, I will need a break after that phone call. It is possible that they're going to keep calling me throughout the day or even week, but I'll see what's my strategy going to be, depending on their first reaction.

And their relationship is between them, I agree.

I just don't know if it's better to tell them 'Hey, you know X, he is my boyfriend' or 'Hey, I'm gonna move in with X', or is it even better to just do it and if they ask me where am I moving to and with whom i just shrug and say 'With X'. And if they have further questions, it's on them to ask them. They like lying to themselves in order to believe what they want to believe so maybe I can just leave it to them to fill in the blanks the way they want to. At the end of the day, it was their parental responsibility to create a relationship of trust between us. And if I don't trust them with myself, that's because I don't feel safe enough to do so. What do you think?

[Andy]

Hi there Andrej,

I hope it’s okay if I step into the conversation. (As someone who isn't out to most of their family either for similar reasons, I can relate to a lot of what you shared)

I would like to start from the ending because that sentence is a really important and truthful one. You are absolutely right, there is a reason why you are worried about coming out to your parents and that is that they signalled you pretty strongly that they might not be accepting. It’s not on us to educate our parents, share all our lives and identities with them or come out to them in a way that would be best for them and would make them understand (as there even isn’t such one way, their reaction will always be about them rather than about the way we do it).

As for the options for telling them, what will be better depends solely on you and what you want from the conversation. Do you want to come out to them, give them a chance to accept you as you are and do you feel able to deal with a bad reaction? Or do you just want to move out with your boyfriend, not share your sexual identity with them and not have to deal with any other possible problems? Or do you want to leave it up to chance (and your parents) and only tell them X is your boyfriend if they ask?
As I see it, the first option potentially adds a lot of stress but on the other hand it would be over with and you wouldn’t have to wonder about their reaction or censor yourself in front of them anymore. The second option minimizes the chance of homophobic reaction and moving in with you boyfriend can help prepare the ground for coming out later, but you have to be ready to answer their possible inquiring questions. The third option leaves you were uncertain of what to expect from the conversation but leave you the most maneuvering space to adjust things as it evolves. What do you think?

[andrej]

Hi Andy,

thank you so much for your response.

Yes, I try to remind my self that their emotions are not my responsibility (even though I often feel responsible for it). I need to think about me and what would be the best for them, what kind of coming out would be best for me.

Thank you for laying out all of the options so clearly! I think priority number 1 is to just share with them a technical info about me moving somewhere else with someone else and that someone else is X (whom they have met). It's funny how they really like X, he's a doctor which they love and they would be thrilled if he was my sister's boyfriend haha.

Having them accept me is not a priority, but it would be nice, though risky. I'm actually in favor of this option, doing something really stressful all at once and setting myself completely free after that. I also need to find a way to convey this to them in a warm, but unapologetic way.

[Sam W]

I'm glad what Andy laid out was helpful! And it sounds like you have a pretty clear sense of how you want to proceed, which is awesome.

You know, when it comes to how to convey this to them in a warm, unapologetic way, how you frame it might help a lot, even if it's just in your own mind. If you approach the conversation like you're sharing something that you're ultimately not ashamed of, and that you're giving them the chance to know you better, it might feel easier to convey things the way you're hoping to.

[andrej]

Yes, I agree definitely! I've started therapy just to see if there are any underlying layers of shame and/or guilt about my sexuality. I think for me the biggest issue isn't potential autohomophobia, but maybe the fear of failing masculinity? I don't know yet. I know the worst reaction that scares me the most is not necessarily their anger, but their potential disgust.

[Sam W]

I'm glad you've been able to start therapy to get some support in dealing with any underlying shame, that's a great step in terms of taking care of yourself! If you have a chance, I think talking with your therapist about what to do if your parents react with disgust is a good plan, just so you have a few tools in place if they do so.

I will say that, in my experience, reminding yourself, or even reading up on, the diversity of not only human sexual behavior but sexual behavior in animals more broadly can be helpful in dealing with feelings of disgust around sex or sexuality.

Because, it basically provides a counter point to a lot of the ideas that drive disgust; it reminds us that there isn't one set of sexual behaviors that's okay and another that's gross or bad, there are just the sexual behaviors that make each individual person happy. And that there isn't such a thing as sex that goes against nature (a common justification for disgust) because sexual behavior within nature is way more varied than people assume (and includes plenty of same sex behavior).

[andrej]

That is a really good point, thank you. Thank you so much Sam and Andy, it was really helpful to talk things through with you two, I appreciate it so much <3

[Sam W]

You're very welcome, and I'm so glad we were able to talk with you and offer some help!

[andrej]

Hi everyone, sharing an update on this topic!

I have come out to my parents and moved in with my boyfriend! It was tough, extremely. And I'm not sure how it went so I would appreciate some help, even though I'm way past my teen years.

I went back to my hometown and decided to spend a few days with my parents before telling them. It was wonderful, we really grew close in the past few years which only makes the following worse. I sat them down and told them that I'm moving out of their apartment, that I'm moving in with X, and that he's my boyfriend.
Their reaction wasn't aggressive in the slightest, they were just extremely sad, devastated. They told me they were afraid I was going to tell them that, that they love me, but can't accept that since they don't think it's normal. They don't wanna know anything about that, they don't wanna see us together, they wish they never knew and they're gonna try to pretend it is not true.

I planned a trip to London immediately afterwards so I went there for a few days just to get my mind off of things. They remained depressed. I called them a couple of days after one by one.
Dad was broken, he was crying in disbelief saying he has no will to live, that it killed them, that I have disappointed them. I managed to console him but it took 300% of my effort to make 3% progress in him. I managed to stay calm.

Day later I called my mom and somehow she was worse - crying, begging me to postpone moving out, dry heaving, despairing about her not being a good enough parent, negotiating with me. It was really hard. I was calm and assertive, but broke down after the talk.

I tried talking to each of them again later that week. Short, technical talks about everyday stuff. They sounded down, but definitely better and less dramatic than before. Mom and I exchanged a few messages about how we love each other.

I don't know what to expect next and I'm not sure how to handle it. I'm worried about them and I feel guilty. I even question if it is weird that I'm living now with my boyfriend. I feel bad for hurting them and causing this huge family trauma. I don't know what to do and I'm having a hard time dealing with the consequences.

[Sofi]

Hi andrej, it's great to hear from you, although I'm sorry to hear things didn't go great with you telling your parents. I can totally understand why you feel guilty, but I really want to assure you that you didn't do anything wrong and their pain isn't your fault or responsibility. You are simply existing as yourself and you've been very patient and understanding with them and their reactions - you can't really do much more beyond that, now it's their turn to process this and yours to live your best life. Not to say you shouldn't care about them or their feelings, but that they aren't a burden for you to carry (no one's feelings are). That said, we can talk more about how you can better process all this, if you'd like.

I wanted to share a bit about my coming out story, in hopes I can give you some hope. Growing up my parents weren't necessarily homophobic, maybe my dad more than my mom, but generally accepted queer people but still said some microaggressions about them. So when I was 16 and got my first girlfriend, I figured coming out wouldn't be a huge deal, especially to my caring and pretty open minded mom. Well, I was wrong. She had an awful reaction, similar to yours: she cried, was very dramatic about it, and told me "you're lucky we live in the US now, if we were still back home, no one would accept you". It hurt me but being a teenager, I was mostly just angry. I thought the great relationship we had was broken and she would never see me the same. My dad simply said nothing. My mom later told me he was just disappointed, and actually, he didn't say anything about it to me for many years to follow, just pretended it wasn't real.

But over time, they came to terms with it, and my mom apologized for her reaction. She regretted the things she said and how emotional she got. Eventually, my dad was even able to talk to me about it. Fast forward to today: I have a great relationship with both of them, I'm able to talk about my sexuality openly with my mom, some with my dad (though I try not to too much, because he still has some close minded beliefs and I don't want to end up in an argument as he's getting older and it's just not worth it anymore). My sister has a girlfriend now who she lives with, and at first my dad said it was "a phase", but a year and a half later, he's accepted it and they even talk on the phone and plan on going to visit him in person soon. My mom fully accepts her as part of the family and there are no issues there at all.

Now, I'm not saying this is exactly how things will go for you, and it has been 15 year since I came out, so I know it's not as helpful to dealing with the current situation. But again, I just want you to know that sometimes parents react very dramatically at first, and maybe they don't always shed all their problematic beliefs altogether, but often they can come around and decide they care more about you and your relationship than those beliefs. It sounds like you have a great relationship with them and I can tell you care a lot about them and maintaining a good relationship, so I don't want you to lose hope in that. It will be hard at first, as they're currently letting their feelings and homophobic beliefs be the priority, but that's something they have to work through, not you. Your only job right now is to be happy (which I'm sure is what they want for you) and accept that they're not reacting well to this, but might change their minds once the feelings cool off a bit. Could take weeks, months, or years, but that isn't on you to do that for them or help them navigate this. You're already being a great son for being thoughtful and worried and wanting to keep a good relationship with them. <3

How can we best support you right now? Would you like to talk more about how to handle the feelings you're going through around all this, or something else?

[andrej]

Hi Sofi,

thank you for your reply and I'm so sorry your coming out story didn't go as expected, but it was reassuring to hear things can get better even if the intial reaction was dramatic.

Huhhhhh. I'm currently feeling incredibly guilty for ruining my family. I feel so bad about them and I not handling the consequences of my coming out really well. I want to know how to fix this. And if things are progressing for the good. It's hard to tell. I keep wondering if my coming out was worth all of it since the emotional price is really high not just for me, but for my parents, as well as for my two sisters since now we have a new family drama to deal with. I don't know.

I guess I would like to know what can I expect, what should I do and what shouldn't I do. Call them or not call them? And it would be really benefical to learn how to avoid feeling so incredibly guilty and responsible for everyone's feelings all the time.

[Andy]

Hi Andrej and welcome back!

I was so happy to see your post, but I’m sorry that this is the situation that has brought you to us. While your parents’ reaction was far from ideal, I hope you feel proud on yourself for taking the step and coming out to them, I think it’s quite something.

I will start with you last question about feeling guilty for other people’s feelings. You know, I’m not even that surprised this is how you feel with how you have described your parents (telling you you have disappointing them, your mum taking out her fear of not being a good parent on you etc.). It is often hard to get out of this way of thinking, after all it is in a way easier because taking responsibility and blame on ourselves gives us a sort of sense of control over the situation. But acknowledging it like you did is an important first step I think. Then, it is something a lot people find therapy helpful with. I remember you saying you were attending it, is it something you have found helpful? And lastly, avoiding communication with people making us feel this way is a big part of feeling better in my opinion.

I also want to echo what Sofi said about people changing opinions. My coming out had a very similar dynamic: a huge fallout at first (I even left home for a while), then ignorance and then slowly acceptance and fast forward a few years, my mum is learning a foreign language so she can talk with my girlfriend when they meet. So I really want to encourage you to stay hopeful because what might seem impossible now may be reality in some time<3
And in the mean time, please take all the support you want and need and take good care of yourself, because this is extremely tough.

As for what to do, I will turn the question around a bit: Do *you* want to call them and talk to them? If so, what do you want from the conversation?
Like Sofi said, the way they deal with this is much much more about them than about what you do or don’t. And while staying in touch or providing education, when they are open to it, can be helpful, your parents are eventually those who have to take the steps.
I’m also wondering, have you talked with your sister about all this?

[andrej]

Hi Andy, thank you for stepping in and sharing your coming out story.

I'm glad your mum eventually came around. Thank you everyone for your perspectives; I can imagine my parents also being okay with everything after some time. One positive thing in this whole drama is that we’ve told each other how much we love each other more times in one weekend than in the past 30 years.

I’m still going to therapy and it’s been incredibly helpful. I plan on continuing and working on this, as well as on my feelings of guilt in general.

I’ve talked to my sisters and it was great having them as allies. My younger sister is back at home with them and said they’re being weird, but okay. My older sister said she’s going to talk to them about this situation too, so we’ll see.

I do want to talk to them, but I’m not sure whether it’s because I genuinely want to or because I’m trying to regain a sense of control and emotional management. And I’m not sure if it was a good idea to tell them anything, to be honest.

My boyfriend and friends tell me I put too much focus on their recovery while ignoring my own, and I believe that’s true — but I’m still not sure how to snap out of it.

[maille]

Hi, there! I am glad you have found some hope in some of our coming out stories. I'm wishing a similar turn of events for you.

On the note of the numerous 'I love you's, what a positive way to think about it. Here's to hoping your family comes out on the other side for the better.

I am also glad to hear you are still in therapy. I am so grateful you have that tool for support, as well as your sisters.

I don't want you to let yourself go down the rabbit hole of 'should i have even told them anything'. For one, you have and its happened, so yes feel your feeling about it, but don't regret it. Secondly, you made the choice that allows you to live your life most freely. And it sounds like you have crafted a beautiful life with your boyfriend. Don't give yourself a hard time for wanting what is good for you.

If you are at all interested in self-compassion surrounding this, I would recommend searching up some free videos by Kristin Neff.

[andrej]

Thank you, I will definitely check out Kristin videos.

I was also wondering if there was some research (from lgbt standpoint or perhaps family therapy in general) done on stages of family acceptance and mazbe some guidelines and steps, dos and don'ts in each stage or something like that.

And also if you have some recommendations specifically on alleviating guilt in parents-child relationships, it would be really helpful!

[Andy]

Hi again, andrej!

I have to go soon so I unfortunately don’t have the time to reply fully, but I just wanted to let you know we have read this and someone will get back to you later. I didn’t get to do the research for the resources, but I can at least recommend this page: https://www.strongfamilyalliance.org/pa ... r-parents/ (this specific article talks about the stages of grief and how they can be applicable to a situation of a child coming out to their parents.
Take care<3

[mikky]

Hi andrej,
Thinking about how to best find resources for you- are these things you would want to share with your parents, or use mainly for yourself?

If you are sharing these, what authorities/people do your parents trust or look for in advice (like, church, therapists, pop psychology, motivational speakers/authors...?)

It seems like this type of research might be coming from The Family Acceptance Project: https://familyproject.sfsu.edu/

For alleviating guilt, I have two ideas to start:

Some of my friends have found this book helpful (but I haven't read it myself): Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

The bell hooks book, all about love, is one I really love and has helped me with navigating guilt and shame within my family system.