Am I selfish?

[Skybushh]

I, hate asking for help but I think I'm gonna need it. I've been feeling really down and out of it lately, and that's mostly because I've been dealing with a lot. My partner and I have been spending less and less time together, because we've both been going through some tough times. Not regarding to each other, just separate situations. My partner has always had things in their life that are completely out of their control, and that they've been having to deal with for a really long time now. They're incredibly strong and they're doing they're very best to work through. I try to be the best I can and support them through everything, and I try not to ask for too much because I understand that it's difficult. I, feel as if I have always disregarded my own needs because of this however. And because I'm terrible at asking for things and feel guilty for it. I feel as if my partner has been emotionally unavailable for some time now, once again it is not at all their fault, but I think it affects me. And it's been even more so lately. I took a step back from the relationship about a month ago because we were spending a lot of time together, but I would eventually feel hurt about something every time we interacted. I was able to figure out a few things about myself and my place in the situation so I was able to step back in and I really wanted to bring us closer together again. My partner wants to as well, we've talked multiple times about it. It has not happened though, and we've only drifted farther apart. I feel incredibly selfish right now because I feel really hurt and frustrated about the situation even though it's no one's fault. I can't seem to solve it, and I swear I'm trying. I really want to find away to heal through it for us both, but every time I try I feel I get hurt. My partner really wants to as well, I know they really care about us, but doesn't have the capacity to do so right now.

[Sofi]

Hi Skybushh,

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt and disconnected from your partner, as well as (it seems) emotionally exhausted from trying. It sounds like you both really care about each other and want to make it work, but keep missing each other in those attempts. The end goal here is to get on the same page, and in order to do that, you might want to take a step back and try to reconnect through little things. Sometimes trying to tackle the larger issue is really difficult but when we start chipping away at it in smaller ways it can lessen the pressure.

I want to make it clear that you're not being selfish by getting upset and frustrated about this. As long as you're not taking it out on your partner in a way that hurts them, it's okay for you to feel that way. It sounds like they probably feel that way too.

You can try to reconnect and close that gap you're feeling between you by doing something you used to enjoy doing together at the beginning of your relationship. Something that will make you feel comfortable and remind you of your connection, and ideally something that's fun, so it takes some pressure off. Once you are more relaxed it's easier to communicate effectively. Does that sound like something you'd want to try as a first step?

[Skybushh]

I’d be willing to do most things, so yes absolutely. It’s been our plan for a bit to talk about things we can do together. To simply start spending more time together. Find some things we both enjoy or used to enjoy together and do them again. It’s just that every time we’re about to have that conversation it gets pushed back. And I kinda feel like I’ve been left waiting.

[Sofi]

Ah, yeah, if it's something you've brought up more than once but it keeps getting danced around, it makes even more sense why you're frustrated. Have you expressed this to them clearly? If so, what did they say?

[Skybushh]

I have not no. I’m afraid that I’ll hurt them if I tell them how I’ve been feeling. I also accept the reasons that it’s been pushed back, I realize they have a lot on their plate and I’m trying to respect that. I’ve just continued to ask for a new time and tell them that it’s alright. I do realize how guilty I feel for being upset though.

[Andy]

Hi there, Skybushh

I hope it’s okay that I’m stepping in here. I really hear you on not wanting to hurt your partner when they are already struggling with a lot, I’ve felt like this a lot in my relationships, but eventually I learned that in the long term, not communicating your feeling out of this fear is not beneficial to the relationship, to the person and most importantly it’s really unkind to yourself.

Talking openly about your feelings is often the only way to change something, because if your partner doesn’t know you are not doing great, you can’t start exploring the ways how to make it better. And sometimes, being open like this can help your partner feel more comfortable talking about their own feelings and struggles.

When people with different wants and needs get close to each other, which is what a romantic relationship essentially is, differences are bound to arise and people are bound to get hurt. This is not something you can prevent by dismissing your needs, as, like you have noticed, you are already hurting. And if this is a good partner for you, they wouldn’t want you to feel like this and even though it might not be easy for them, they would be willing to work with you through that. And if they aren’t able or willing to do that or if talking things through doesn’t change how you feel in the long term, that could be a sign that this relationship isn’t good for you anymore, however scary that might sound in the moment.

How do you feel reading all that?

[Skybushh]

I was able to tell them about it, and they responded with some of the things that they’ve been dealing with in regards to us. So we’re focused now on how we can work it out. I agree with everything your saying, and I hope I’ll be able to implement it.

[Sofi]

That's great news that you were able to talk to them about it. I'm proud of you for doing that. <3