I feel like I'm going crazy

[suomi]

TW cutting, self harm

I want to cut somebody or myself, or watch somebody self harm for sexual reasons really badly.

I would never do it to another person, and in all my fantasies it's consensual, but I feel like such a terrible person for struggling with this.

I've been trying so hard to be attracted to normal things, but it never works. The only thing I'm attracted to is cutting and I don't know what to do anymore.

I genuinely feel like I'm going crazy. The worst part about this is not being able to share it with anyone because they'd either think I'm a freak or unfriend me. I want to be rid of this attraction so badly, I don't want to feel like a terrible person anymore.

[Sam W]

Hi Suomi,

I'm sorry that these fantasies are continuing to cause you such distress. I want to start by saying that your fantasies don't make you a terrible person. Our fantasies exist inside our minds and our minds alone; they can't do anyone any harm (or any good, for that matter) unless we act on them. People can and do enjoy fantasies about things they'd never want to do in real life, or that they find abhorrent when they happen in the real world. Does that make sense?

Too, it may help to remember that you don't need to share this with anyone if you're not comfortable doing so. Even if you have a sexual partner, you don't have to tell them every single sexual thought or fantasy we have, especially if it's one where your ability to explore it safely in the real world is limited or doesn't exist.

[suomi]

Yeah, that makes sense. Thank you very much for the reassurance.

That's true, it's just that keeping it bottled up makes me feel awful. I feel like if everybody knew they'd hate me.

I'm also worried for my safety as I've cut myself for sexual reasons before. And I'm worried that if I do somehow find a partner who will enable me then I'll hurt them too. I know that'll probably never happen but I'm so scared of hurting other people.

I just want to do it so badly and I haven't found anything else that makes me feel the same. I'm sorry if this sounds whiny, I really do appreciate the response.

[Latha]

Hi Suomi!

We certainly don't hate you, and I don't think anyone who understands the nature of kink and fantasies would hate you. I'm sorry you feel like you are bottling this up, and that it makes you feel so awful. Maybe reframing how you think about this will make you feel better. You're not keeping a secret from other people, you're just keeping something to yourself, because it is private. How does this sound?

I understand why you're worried about your safety and the safety of any partners you might have, because this is an activity that carries a certain degree of risk. I wonder if learning about harm reduction methods for this kind of activity would alleviate your concerns. You could look into the best ways to treat cuts, or where you should avoid cutting. Too, sometimes people with this kind of kink will not actually cut into skin- they will just run a knife along or on top of someone's skin.

[suomi]

That sounds good actually, thank you.

And that's a good idea- I was under the impression that I'd never be able to engage in it at all in real life. I'll try my best to be safe with how I engage in it, thank you again.

[Sam W]

Hi Suomi,

If I recall correctly, I think we talked about ways you could safely explore this fantasy in a past thread. I do have to say that, while Latha made a sound point about harm reduction, from a safety standpoint, we can't recommend that you actually do anything that would involve cutting the skin; the risks associated with that are just too high to be able to do it safely and if it goes wrong it's going to go really, really wrong (if you look at the boards, you'll see we've also had that conversation with people who ask about choking in sexual contexts; some activities are high-risk enough that we can't advise people on how to do them).

[suomi]

Ahh I see, thank you for explaining. I'll control myself then.

Thanks to you both for talking to me

[Sam W]

You're very welcome!