hate myself for being attracted to men

[Lyle Lanley]

what the title says.

i'm bisexual and recently i got a crush on a girl in my life.
previously i thought i couldn't at all be attracted to women because nearly all my fictional and famous crushes are cis men (whom i don't really like thinking of as women, unlike some people i know) but when i realistically think, i realise that i can't really be dating a man because i'd feel threatened and feel like i would have to forsake part of my identity and be disrespected just to feel something in a relationship.

when i make up fantasies or scenarios with the aformentioned fictional/famous men, it's like it was an alter ego of mine interacting with them, more often than not a copmletely cis woman or man (which translates to a completely different character / person than me when i write or draw fanart)

and is it worthy of note that all the physical experiences i've had with men have left me with a lingering disgust that lasted for a few days after things happened?

i've also been traumatised by males and i feel like if i were in a relationship with a woman or a nonbinary person i'd be safer.

it's like i don't want to be attracted to men, it gives me some sort of guilt

[Sam W]

Hi Lyle Lanley,

If you've had traumatic experiences with men, or you've found that being physical with men in the past has left you feeling pretty crummy, then I can see why you feel like pursuing a relationship with men as a category isn't for you. Even though dating a specific man doesn't automatically mean being unsafe or being disrespected or having to surrender part of your identity (those things can, sadly, happen with a partner of any gender), if your instinct in a relationship would be that you had to do those things, that dating men right now, or ever, might not be the best choice for you.

I do want to ask where you think the guilt element of this might be coming from. In other words, what about being attracted to men is leading you to feel guilty?

[Lyle Lanley]

the guilt is from being attracted to men because they are terrible selfish beings, i hate them and yet i am attracted to them.
i am deadly scared of them, every day when i leave the house i am painfully aware that i may not return anymore because of a man. that my life could be ruined, permanently scarred or even ceases, from something that a man could just do and continue with their day and their life like a respected person.

and so to be attracted to that category of people feels like a punishment and another reason why people don't believe my hatred and worries

[Willa]

Hi Lyle Lanley,

I want to start by saying I understand your feelings and I do not want to invalidate them at all. It is normal to feel strong emotions about gendered violence, gendered abuse, and the way patriarchy hurts people especially when we have experienced it ourselves. However when it starts to affect our own views of ourselves or is creating feelings of fear or anger that are detrimental or interrupt our own lives, is a good time to stop and parse through some of these feelings.

One way that helps me work through feelings like this is to understand patriarchy as a system that produces assertions about groups, these assertions can impact reality but does not mean they are inherently true. One assertion is that men are inherently violent, dominant, aggressive, etc. While we logically know this is not true, this narrative affects men and boys who are taught that. This is one of the ways patriarchy negatively affects cis men, creating rigid narratives that a man is biologically predestined to violence and harm. When we understand that these are taught and learned assertions, it can help with the feelings of hate or that all men are inherently "terrible" or "selfish". Parsing through these feelings can importantly be for oneself even before they are for the exoneration of men, understanding men as complicated humans as ourselves and sufferers under patriarchy can help ease some of the pain and guilt you are describing with proximity with men. This is not to say it is not important to protect yourself from gendered violence. Instead it is the realization that it is not personally healthy or preferable to go through life paralyzed from hatred and fear.

That being said in the interim, like Sam said it is perfectly understandable to not want to be in a relationship while you are feeling these things. Just because we experience attraction to something does not mean that we have to engage with it until we feel ready and safe. Your attraction does not invalidate your fears and want to be safe. However this attraction is part of you and is not something to feel ashamed of or a punishment of any kind. It is not inherently better or worse to be attracted to one gender over the other.

I hope I articulated myself in a way that could be helpful to you. I also want to add some sources that talk about feelings very similar to what you are having. I think these would be very useful for you to look over as well:
https://www.scarleteen.com/read/parenti ... -everybody
https://www.scarleteen.com/read/culture ... o-feminist

[StephR]

Hi Lyle,

I wanted to add that this is a feeling I have seen many bisexual sapphic people have. I think it is important to remember that who we feel attracted to isn't a choice, that no attraction or orientation is better or worse than the others, and that we don't have to date or have sex with everyone we are attracted to.

Personally, I've been going through something similar; I ended a long-term relationship with a man last year and have since decided to only have relationships with women for now. I have had some people ask me if that means I'm a lesbian now, but I'm still bisexual, just making a decision about my love life that feels right for now.