feeling behind

[robotgirl210]

I am 21 and I still feel so overwhelmed and insecure in sex, dating ect. I feel really inexperienced and im scared people will judge me for this plus ive never been in a proper relationship. I feel as if i've spent so long thinking, questioning, fantasising, desiring things but in real life it never feels that fun or easy.

Sometimes i think i desire a relationship, sex ect but then it all gets too real and im scared and i go back into my own little world. I'm sick off waiting. I'm sick of not knowing. I'm sick of thinking and going round in circles and getting nowhere.

Saying that i do feel mostly comfortable in myself in other aspects and for the most part and i do really enjoy my own company and i guess i dont want to loose myself. i cant seem to just take it less serious and just take the pressure off to explore and figure it out and i feel like i will never get anywhere. like i said i like being alone but i have moments where i want a relationhip, im thinking about sex, i dont want to be alone. ive gone so back in forth about my own sexuality in my head. its something i dont really talk about with people because im scared of so many things of judgement and being an imposter and being weird.

Sometimes i think im asexual but im not so sure because i do fantasise about sex i guess theres some fear or embarassment there though im not really sure. and ive done things with guys and girls like make out and more and some experiences ive enjoyed and thought about for days, moments ive felt more bored though. I'm not sure if i might be bisexual then but that scares me too and i dont know how to explore that or talk openly about it.

i'm scared that I will always be stuck in my head and always missing out and more questions than answers but i also dont feel comfortable to throw myself into casual sex or dating even though i kind of want to but i overthink and nothing seems to be happening naturally. I guess I just wanted some advice on how to move past this, to figure it all out. To feel more confident in my sexuality and to have the confidence to go after what i want once i understand more. but i dont even know what i want or what would be good for me.

[Sam W]

Hi robotgirl210,

I want to start by saying that, while it can feel very much like you're "behind" other people when it comes to sex and dating, the reality is that plenty of people reach their twenties without having had any dating experience. In fact, it's such a common occurrence that we have a whole article offering advice about it! Embracing Newbiehood: How to Approach Dating and Sex in Your 20s With Little or No Experience

Looking at your post, it sounds like there are two questions that are interlocking to add to the stress around all this: "what kind of relationship do you want?" and "who do you want a relationship with?" The first of those questions is going to be easier to figure out in the abstract; it sounds like you're already thinking about whether you'd be comfortable with something casual, or whether that style of relationships isn't a good fit for you. If you haven't read it yet, I think this article could help in working out what kind of relationship you do want to pursue: Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

When it comes to the question of who you want to have a relationship with, it sounds like you're almost getting ahead of yourself. The terms that exist to describe sexual orientation are there to help us make sense of our experiences and feelings, rather than be a thing where we HAVE to pick one and then make our decisions from there. So when/if you do decide to date, it makes more sense to focus on connecting with or dating people who you have an interest in, rather than trying to pick based on a given identity term you've given yourself.

Too, you mention that something that causes you to pull back from pursuing relationships in real life is that they start to feel "too real." Can you tell me a little more about that?

[robotgirl210]

I guessI don't have much to go off but before i've felt nervous and sort of shut down when ive been in situations. Like i feel like some energy i think we will kiss but then i get so freaked out and lean back and i dont even know why. but sometimes when i am drunk i am more confident and would kiss someone and enjoy it. and on a date i would be so worried of what everything means and i feel myself overthinking so much its not fun.

[Sam W]

Oof, that sounds really exhausting and frustrating! Do you find you're generally prone to overthinking about everything (or nearly everything)? Just in social situations? Or is it a thing that happens to you solely when it comes to dating?

[robotgirl210]

Not about everything but sometimes I can fall into the habit of that for quite a few differant things yes

[Sam W]

Got it. If this is something that happens in multiple areas of your life, then it might be worth it to find some resources and support around anxiety, including possibly talking with a therapist; when we have a pattern of overthinking lots of things to the point of paralysis, that can sometimes indicate an underlying anxiety disorder. Do you have a sense of where to find those resources?

Too, if you notice this happens most around relationships, a helpful thing to think about would be what about those interactions feels particularly intimidating or anxiety provoking to you.

[robotgirl210]

I'm not sure what those resources are. i guess i wish i was a bit more carefree to just explore and figure things out without worrying about what that will me or how i will be judged or how i will get hurt or if i hurt other people.

[Sam W]

This is a really good starting place for anxiety related resources! Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources. Too, if you decide you want to look into more formal support like therapy, we can help you figure out how to start that process.

If you could snap your fingers and make it happen, what things would happen that would help you feel that carefree-ness? For instance, would you suddenly know certain things that would help you feel more confident?

[robotgirl210]

Yes i guess knowing if a person is right for me and knowing what i like and feeling confident to express it

[Sam W]

That's a tricky one, because the only way to know if a person is a potentially a good partner for us (or a good friend, for that matter) is to interact with them and see how we get along. But it can also help to know that having those interactions where we get to know people is a skill, and like any skill it can be learned. And that's certainly something we can talk about and offer you resources on!

Knowing what you like is a bit easier, because it's one of those things that we pick up as we gain more life experience, but it's also something we can think about before we start dating. For instance, you might think about what kinds of qualities you value in a partner, or what kinds of people you like to spend time with, things like.