I feel like my boyfriend is lying when he says good things about me

[PrettyPrincess]

so for background me and my boyfriend have known each other for 3 years and didn’t start dating until October of last year. Before we started dating we were best friends and a majority of our relationship was platonic, so when we were friends he would usually tell me about the girls he was currently hooking up with.We started liking each other(later confirmed ofc) last summer and we’d mess around, makeout, second base stuff. then one day we were in the gym and I forget how the topic came up but we were kind ranking each other and he tells me that my boobs are in his top three. And I didn’t really think too much of it then, but now that we’re together I can’t help but look back on that conversation and think about how he was probably deep down telling the truth. It makes me feel insecure and I’m not sure how to approach him about it. He’s the most amazing boyfriend and everything is so good between us. He reassures me constantly and tells me I’m the best, but again how can I really believe him. do i just take the compliment and go or?

Sincerely,
PrettyPrincess

[Willa]

Hi PrettyPrincess,

Welcome to the boards! If this is something that has been bothering you, bringing it up to your boyfriend sounds like a good idea. It can feel awkward to navigate but often short moments or memories like that can build and build over time and stick in one's mind so it can be helpful to talk about with a partner and share how you are feeling. In the future, it is also probably wise to avoid participating in ranking individuals via physical characteristics, even in lighthearted fun, as it can often end up with hurt feelings and is generally not kind/fair for anyone involved. Does that all make sense?

[PrettyPrincess]

Hi Willa,

Thank you for responding to my post! I'm still not sure how to approach this conversation with my boyfriend. I don't want to feel like I'm ruining a good day, but I don't want to purposely choose a day we're upset with each other to blow it all up in his face. I know that communication is key, but it truly has never been my strong suit. Every time I try to talk to my boyfriend about something that upsets me I just end up crying my eyeballs out, without saying what I wanted to say.

[Andy]

Hi PrettyPrincess,

I understand not wanting to bring up a difficult topic at a moment when you are having a good day together but I also think that for a relationship to be good in the long term people in it should understand that there won’t always be only perfect days when everyone is happy all the time. And sometimes starting a difficult conversation one day can make the following days much better. Does that make sense?

As for how to approach the conversation a good starting point might be asking yourself what do you need from it. Do you want clarification about that one situation you mentioned, some reassurance about how he sees you, a change in how you two communicate compliments to each other, something else?

[PrettyPrincess]

Hi Andy,

I do understand that communication will help my relationship long term. I would like clarification on how to approach/start the conversation on my specific situation! I just want him to realize how what he said when we were friends affects me now that we're in a relationship.

[KierC]

Hi there PrettyPrincess,

We can definitely talk about how to approach this conversation with your boyfriend. First, I want to say it’s perfectly okay to cry when you need to, and it’s perfectly fair to have these emotions during tough conversations — I also hear you though that it makes it harder to say what you want to say. Do you have strategies you use to soothe yourself when this happens? If not, would you like some resources for that?

For your specific situation, it sounds like you want him to know that these comments he made before you started dating are still hurting you, and you’re worried that he may still feel that way (please correct me if I’ve misunderstood!). It may help to frame this in a way that lets him know what you’d like him to do, if anything, about how you’re feeling — do you want him to soothe you, do you want him to not make those comments again, do you want him to compliment you more, do you want him to just hear you out? Having an idea of what your goal is can sometimes help frame the conversation so it’s a bit more growth-oriented.

We have a great article on sexual communication, and while I know your particular situation isn’t explicitly about sexual activity, there’s still some bullet points in there that I think might help a lot. For example, the article talks about setting a neutral space to talk, using “I” statements instead of “you” statements, acknowledging the awkwardness, and more. (Acknowledging the awkwardness/uncomfortability may be a great place to start in your particular situation). Going through this article, is there a certain part of communicating this that still seems daunting? We’re here to help.