why do i feel uncomfortable that my sisters and female friends are getting married?

[Enphery]

I feel uncomfortable that my sisters and older female friends are getting married. I feel weird that they going to have sex with their partners and then talk to me as if nothing happened, and I am supposed to behave as if its okay. I don't know if I feel anger or jealous or just sad. I'm asking this because I don't know how I should handle this situation. Sex is a new topic for me even though I have been exposed to it for a long time, having a real person do and live with that is different. I feel disturbed in some sense. Growing up I never thought of sex as something that feels good to girls and I was told that it brings pain and humiliation to girls. And with the videos I grew up with pretty much made me think that girls like that, and I couldn't wrap my head around it.. why would they like such a thing? I couldn't think of them as humans at some point because they don't think about the pain it brings to those close to them and care about them. Almost as if its a self harm for them and insulting thing to do to those around them. And then there's concepts of pure and impure things involved. It maybe has to do something with how weird I feel at the same time about girls who don't care about sex whatever and who ever they do it with doesn't matter to them, I.. just don't know. I don't want to think of them in that way.

[Sam W]

Hi Enphery,

I actually think the answer to the question in your title is a simple one: you grew up with a concept of sex that lead to you viewing women who engaged in it as less than human. Which means that, when you're confronted the fact that women you know and care about are probably having it, it makes you uncomfortable because you've told yourself that women who are sexually active are deliberately hurting themselves (and that in doing so they're insulting the people around them). To me, that's a recipe for being uncomfortable if someone mentions sex around you.

Now, how to unlearn the mindset that's leading you to feel this way is a bit of a trickier task, because you're going to have to unlearn a LOT of incorrect ideas about sex. Let's start with perhaps the biggest one: women, and indeed people of any gender, can and do find sex to be an incredibly positive, fun, painless, and pleasurable experience. Now, sex can be a negative experience too, for people of any gender; it really depends on a whole host of factors, including communication, what our bodies are doing that day, etc. But it's not automatically a good or bad experience, it's a dynamic experience that's shaped by the people involved in it. Do you see what I'm saying there?

Too, what other people choose to do in their sexual lives is, ultimately, none of anybody else's business. Those choices are between them and their partners and what feels comfortable and desirable to them. So, I think it would also help to adjust your mindset to one where you spend less time thinking about other people's sex lives overall.

[Enphery]

Hi Sam W,

Thanks, It is going to take a while for me and I do have to sit with that to fully come to terms with the biggest one. I think it did take influence from the fact that even the normal form of porn I have consumed has elements of maledom within it and not any neutral side of it and after being in a bad position as a child and somehow engaging with it with some older kid and realizing how much I hate it, has to do with it.

It does put my mind at peace to understand that it's none of my business what they do outside of my interactions with them.

"me wanting to do the same things with them that they do with others (and knowing that its
maybe or maybe not its wrong to think like that and I'll be reprobated (even though in reality I really wouldn't even try to do anything close to that))" is that weird to feel like that? Should I even feel like that? Is that normal? Is that jealousy? I don't understand what I am feeling there but I think just putting a word on it or knowing more about it would hit the nail on the head.

[Sam W]

Hi Enphery,

It may also be helpful to read up on the ways porn does--or, more often, does not--reflect people's day to day sex lives. These two pieces are great starting places for that: Making Sense of Sexual Media, Sex on Screen: Reality-Checking Mainstream Porn . Too, if you want to talk about what happened between you and that older child, that's certainly something we can discuss or offer support around.

If part of your reaction to your friends talking about sex is wishing you could be the one doing it with them instead of their partners, then yes, I would say jealousy is playing a role here as well. Jealousy, like any of our emotions, isn't normal or abnormal. It's just one of the many feelings we can experience when encountering something. What matters more is to recognize when or if it's happening, and figure out how to address that feeling in a constructive way, rather than taking it out on other people.

[Enphery]

Hi Sam W,

It's been few weeks and after thinking through all of this, I have come to the conclusion that I am fine with sex as long as both wants it and its ethically sound.
So if only one of them wants it or they are forcing themselves on to other, that's not right. And if they have partners and even if they hate their partners and wants to do it with another and the other is willing, its not right.
I'm allowed to feel jealous that's okay.
The older kid was my brother, i was 7-8, he was 11-12. I had to give him blowjob and kiss him mouth to mouth. And he would give me blowjob. And i was getting beaten up by him all the time and sometimes forced into stealing money from parents and be constantly gaslit into doing things and be humiliated for everything i did. I remember liking harry potter and then he would show me them having sex and ruining it. If i don't do something he wants, he will tell parents that i stole from them or tell them about those stuff i was forced into. even the words he would say like "suck" or "girl" was triggering for me. They still are. Because i was compared to girls all the time, and forced into doing things for him. both of my parents worked so nobody was at home most of the time before 5pm. I remember being scared to even move a centimeter. And screaming and crying all the yelling for help. Until few days ago i didn't even realize how messed up it was for a second grader to think that they want to kill themself. Ofcourse i didn't die from holding my breath. My parents started to appear to me as if they are kids. I remember stuff like that happening and then my parents telling me "people go through worser things than you" as a moral to a midnight story. I thought I was at the worst point of my life. But then I started having sleep paralysis. And I was fighting for my life every night. I can't kill my brother, and running away from home didn't work. They found me the same evening. Dying was easier than to sleep another night. Getting beaten up or being forced into doing things started to numb me from emotions punching out of anger, crying or screaming just didn't do anything. He was heavier than me, stronger than me and i was just a kid. My punches didn't affect him at all. And I was scared that i'll kill him if i hit him at some nerve. But during all this, i beat him once. Because of sleep paralysis I was confronting something more scarier than him every night, and i started to think through things. fighting him was no longer with anger but it was chess, where we are reaching same position over and over. me being at bottom and him sitting on me and punching me. He stopped doing things and i started thinking how to never be in that place ever again, very weird thing was that i got addicted to masturbating few years later.

[Sam W]

Hi Enphery,

It sounds you have made progress in terms of how you feel about all this! I do want to say that if sex is happening and it's NOT wanted by one of the people involved? Then that actually isn't sex, it's sexual assault. And from what you're describing, that was something your brother chose to regularly do to you when you were a child. I'm so, so sorry that he made that choice, and that your home was so unsafe for you and that your parents did not seem to treat this with the seriousness it deserved. You deserved to have been safe from abuse in your home, and you weren't, and that is incredibly, deeply unfair.

Can I ask if you're still living at home, or if you still have to see your brother on a regular basis, even if the abuse is no longer happening? And did you ever receive any kind of support--from counselors, from friends, etc--around the abuse you suffered? Or have you not had a chance to talk about it or get support about it until now?

As an aside, I do want to say that it's not weird to have discovered and enjoyed masturbation, even with this trauma. Sexual abuse survivors can have all kinds of relationships to their bodies, sex, and masturbation (and those relationships can change throughout their lives, as is the case for anyone). Too, masturbation "addiction" isn't all that accurate a concept. Frequent masturbation is automatically a sign of addiction or any other issue; if it becomes the ONLY thing you're spending time on, or you're doing it without really wanting to but more from feeling like you need to (in other words, if it's a compulsion), that can be cause for concern. But just doing it a lot isn't an issue.

[Enphery]

Hi Sam W,

I am still living at home, I don't see my brother on a regular basis, but I had to for few years after that, I tried to talk about this with a friend years later, not very helpful, I visited a psychiatrist who listened to my story but he went on to treat a different problem I had at that time. I still sometimes talk to my brother because parents make me, and I don't ever want to be related to him. At max he is just a distant acquaintance since I can't completely ignore. It does bother me a lot that the way I end up in life is similar to how he ended up. (for example choosing the same subjects in school, or going to exactly same college) And there was a part of me competing with him, somehow I can't get over it. Anyway,
with masturbation, when I started to do it for 6-7-8 hours a day constantly without breaks, I quickly realized that this is getting too much, and I was actually not even aroused or anything. It was concerning at that time, until last year I was still doing that and struggling with doing anything. I was tired all the time and I couldn't even think properly, socially isolated because in a new area and later ending in 2 whole years after school of doing nothing and the more pressure and stress piled, the more I did and the worser position I was at. Thankfully I got out of that place and situation but, i don't think I am fully over or out of that.

[Sam W]

Hi Enphery,

Okay, so it sounds like masturbation functionally became a compulsion, or like it was almost trying to be a coping mechanism for other stressors you were facing at the time. That's one of the instances where frequent masturbation is indeed an actual issue that needs to be addressed and managed.

Given that, and the fact that it does not sound like you received any kind of support around the assaults by your brother, I think a sound next step would be to try and find a counselor or therapist who works with survivors. I say that in part because it's clear you're still dealing with the fall-out of the abuse, but more because you deserve to get real, thorough support around this, rather than it continue to be ignored or downplayed. If you'd like, we can do our best to help you locate resources in your area where you could find that kind of support. How does that sound?

[Enphery]

Hi Sam W.

thank you, it wouldn't be much helpful since I've accepted it that despite what happened, my life after that would have been the same regardless. It's been 10+ years, i don't think it affects my daily life at all. I did plan on visiting the college counselor once i make it to it, right now admission process is going on. Kinda scared to visit as well.

[Sam W]

Hi Enphery,

I'm glad to hear you're thinking of visiting the counselor once you're in college! I hear you when you say that you don't think what happened with your brother as affecting your daily life. But it sounds like it is effecting you in some ways; the feelings you had that lead to you starting this thread, for instance, and I suspect the compulsive behavior attached to masturbation as well. In other words, it is effecting you, sometimes in ways where it's not obvious that it's the source of a given feeling.

Too, what your brother did was traumatic. And something we know about trauma is that it doesn't tend to fully go away on it's own, and that trying to ignore it--or the effects of it--isn't a substitute for addressing it and finding ways to heal from it. And you deserve a chance to have this addressed and be supported as you figure out your next steps in terms of caring for yourself and healing from what happened.

Are there specific things that scare you about going to the counselor? Or is it more that the whole process feels intimidating?

[Enphery]

Hi Sam W,

This may sound weird to you but, I didn't think of it as a trauma, just something that happened to me. I was really little and at the time my thinking was more like "i shouldn't have to go to a psychiatrist, he should, something is wrong with him, not me!". I thought it thoroughly, considering even the perspective from the other side and considering myself as evil and the good too. There's just nothing to it other than leaving a 12 year old and an 8 year old unsupervised for too long and bad parenting. With masturbation, i don't think it had anything to do with that but had to do with the fact that I got introduced to sexual topics way too early because of him and again, left alone with access to internet.

Its kinda scary to think that even my college life is going to be affected by something that happened so long ago and maybe it would be made public or they will make some special treatment for me specifically. I am just normal and want to be treated like I am normal. What I've gone through is nothing compared to things people go through. I come from a place where even 5 years olds were walking around naked because they have no clothes while begging for money. I don't have it in me to act or be a victim in front of them. If I wasn't found the same day, I would have been one of them. I literally don't have any right to complain about these because its just a scratch compared to what they must have gone through.

[Enphery]

Hi Sam W,

I sort of figured out why I thought the way I thought. Because in porn and stuff girls acted so happy and cheerful while giving a blowjob or taking an Eiffel tower inside them. I was so confused because I know how horrible and humiliating it feels to give a blowjob or be penetrated. It would have been the same even if it was my favorite person, and they are doing the same thing and acting as if enjoying it? I was really confused. but it also scared me, I'll have to do the same thing to the most beautiful person I know, the person I love and respect the most? That's degrading and insulting and humiliating. How could I do that? If they came to me asking for me to do these stuff to them, that would be as if they want me to do such a bad thing to them knowing how much they mean to me. That's just torture. "They become precious to me and then they ask me to beat them and destroy them."
A part of me thought "its part of being a man, tolerate it accept it."
Then when I told my best friend about it she said "maybe that's because she's just a friend and you don't love her. Because love and sex are just part of same side of the coin. If you don't want to have sex with her, you probably don't love her. Because when I am looking for guys, I look for how much sexual tension they have with me, and that's how I know we love each other."
But that's cheap. All I have to do is act like I am interested in them or act aroused and urge them into wanting sex? That's love? isn't that sexual assault where they actually don't want to but you put the other into a situation emotionally where they give their consent?
But I feel like that towards all girls ,that can't be love because I hate some girls even if they have sexual tension with me. And I like girls even if they don't have that much sexual tension because they are hospitable and kind and genuine. It's just confusing.

[Jacob]

Hey Enphery!

It sounds like you're on the way to working some of this out, but I think it's super-super important to separate consensual sex, unwanted sexual abuse, and sexual entertainment. And the difference is not the acts themselves.... The same act can be loving, can be violent, and can be neutral, or a performance, or some combination. What you experienced was not consensual and will have felt humiliating for all sorts of reasons, and it makes a lot of sense to have that association with sexual acts or with sex in general.

Loving caring intimacy can include oral sex, can include intercourse with none of those things being violent, being about destroying anyone or doing or communicating any kind of harm. Usually it's about sharing something with a partner that both parties feel actively good about.

I also take the point that perpetrators are the ones who need "fixing" more than anyone else, but also that needing support doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it's just a form of assistance to do the kind of thinking and processing you are already doing around past experiences.

I would say that for now it's probably best to take more time to understand yourself before pursuing any kind of sexual relations, because as you're saying here, it is confusing. When all your questions about how you feel about things are overlapped with these questions about what it all means, what is abusive and what is consensual, it can be difficult to make space for the other person's fears and hopes around sex. Really with caring consensual partnered sex, your own worries shouldn't be the dominant factor in understanding your partners needs, instead there should be space for them to express how they feel and what they enjoy.

It doesn't sound like those sorts of interactions are anything but hypothetical for now so I'm guessing there is no rush to be ready for partnered sex with anyone new?

There's a lot here but I wonder if it'd be helpful to do a refresher on consent in general?

Have you read this piece here: Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent

[Enphery]

Hi Jacob,

Thank you, it does clarify a lot when you said "Usually it's about sharing something with a partner that both parties feel actively good about." I can imagine it as a stronger form of head pats rather than what I used to think.
I just have to calmly take more time and understand myself better,
Yes, there is no rush of that sorts.
I suppose doing a refresher on consent would be really helpful. So I will be reading that piece.
Thank you once again.

[Jacob]

That sounds like a good frame of mind to continue with!

Browsing some of the articles in this section of the site might also be really helpful to you: Abuse>Leaving & Recovering