Should he remain an ex or can we be friends

[Wanjiee]

Hey, I broke up with my bf because he was narcissistic. When in the relationship I was basically tied to him, basically i did everything to make him happy, took fault for everything, chose not to say some things which would make him angry. After the breakup he reached out and we decided to be friends, i stated clearly my boundaries coz I learnt how to be myself after that and now he just keeps saying things and he's like, "if it was back then when we were dating, we'd just laugh it off" everytime i say he's said something rude, idk if you get it. For me, I feel like he's victimizing himself, because he brings it up way too many times whenever I say, no that's not nice, or don't say that, and he makes that a big deal like it's a BIG issue, yet to me it's nothing. He also keeps saying I've changed which, yes I have but it's good for me, but he makes it look like I've changed and became the devil and he just makes me feel bad. I mean I'm a single 20year old I should be happy, not feeling sad about some guy.
He has also been helping me with some money (honestly I took that as payment coz I had spent a whole lot on him while we were dating) then when I finally told him, " you can now stop, I'm back on my feet" he makes this speech about how he's been through much while we were together and still found the courage to help me, then his mood changes. It's like he's not happy that I'm now fully independent, and I didn't need his help which he volunteered to assist me with, it wasn't a lot though. Honestly I don't love him, he knows we're just friends, i feel like he's being too much. What do you think about his behavior? Also, should I continue being friends with him? Kindly assist

[Latha]

Hi there, Wanjiee!

I think his behavior is strange. You say he knows that you are friends, but he doesn't seem to act like one. Friends are usually supportive and kind to each other. He may have helped you with money, but he also takes offense when you say no or set simple boundaries, and he doesn't seem to respect you as a person. This doesn't seem like a good friendship, so far. Are there any reasons why you would want to maintain a friendship with him?

[Wanjiee]

Honestly, he's the first person I've stayed with for a long time in a relationship, I guess I'm being friends with him because I'm afraid of being alone. I had built my entire personality based on him, and I am kind of scared to be alone and it's so hard admitting this to myself.

[CaitlinEve]

Hello Wanjiee,

I'm proud of you for admitting that! It can definitely be hard to rediscover yourself after a relationship that you feel has defined you for so long. But you are your own person, even if it can be hard to think about being alone. Something that sticks out to me is him saying things along the lines of "if it was back then when we were dating, we'd just laugh it off". You aren't dating anymore specifically because that's what you felt like you had to do in your relationship, and it seems like he hasn't accepted that this behavior is why you broke up in the first place. I know it can be SO hard but maybe being alone/away from him for a bit is what you need to be able to see your relationship from the outside.

[Wanjiee]

Hello, thanks for your response. I may sound a little bit stupid asking this but while i take my time away from him do i need to have a conversation with him telling him that, or should I just distance myself and just quit replying to his texts and all that?

[Sam W]

Hi Wanjiee,

That's a really good question! And, ultimately, the answer is up to you and what option you think would be the most effective and helpful for you. I will say that, given his behavior in the friendship and when you were dating, I think either a brief conversation or no conversation is the way to go; you don't want to give him an opening where he can try to argue you out of this or otherwise insist that you don't get to end this friendship with him. So, I would keep it brief and then block his number or otherwise limit the ways he can try to contact you. How does that sound?