Dreading sex and feeling ashamed about that

[ConfusedGrape]

Hello,

I've realized that I'm starting to dread whenever people mention sex, including my partner. We talk about sex regularly, and I used to be okay with it, but now I dread it. I'm starting to feel really ashamed about these feelings because I'm supposed to be a good partner who wants to actively make my partner feel good and all of that.

We've experimented with having sex for a while (we're our first sexual partners). After a while, I've become accustomed to having sex where my partner knows her needs and asks for them, and I kind of give them to her as a service and following her instructions, and help her reach orgasm each time. Afterwards, she falls asleep or I give her more pleasure. I've given her feedback and she's very kind and trying to help me reach orgasm/feel nice too (tho. we both know orgasm doesn't have to be the end goal and I told her not to be pressured by it), and I appreciate the extra effort. But after every time she orgasms and feels nice and I'm feeling neglected, the more sad/"bitter" I feel and feel like sex is something where I have to do keep doing service to my partner so they can feel really good, and then my partner tries to do service and I don't feel satisfied, and then I do more stuff for her and it ends there. I'm not stressed to get to orgasm but it would be really nice if I could, even at least once, though it's been a few months since we started sexing.

(To be clear, I also want have sex with her make her feel nice, and really enjoy being intimate with her despite this stuff). But I'm starting to feel crazy. She's trying her best, but I keep feeling greedier, like wanting her to do more, even though she's already trying a lot and offering to do things. Now when she messages me asking if I can do sexual acts for her (she also messages about stuff she can do for me), I just get hit with a bunch of feelings of dread, shame, jealousy, and "greed". Every time I keep feeling "No, I don't want to do that! I want to be pleasured instead!" and then "she's your girlfriend though, don't you want to make her feel good? Why am I being so selfish?" I want those feelings to stop.

I blame myself more than anything. But how do I work through these feelings? How do I solve this issue? I'm scared of telling her even more stuff because I don't want to weigh her down and make it feel like all I'm giving her is negative feedback about sex.

I think I'm just really jealous of people who are able to be confident and ""sexually liberated"" and ask for what they want and also get it and feel lots of pleasure, because I feel like I'm the opposite of that. And that jealousy is coming out as those bad ashamed feelings too.

I'm sorry if I've rambled on too much, and thank you in advance.

[Sam W]

Hi ConfusedGrape,

You know, when we feel like there's an imbalance in pleasure in our sexual relationship, it makes sense that, over time, we might start to feel bitter or frustrated with the topic rather than excited by it. That can happen when we know things like how orgasm isn't the ultimate goal of sex, or that it's important to be a thoughtful partner who's invested in the pleasure of the other person.

I do think that some reframing of how you think about giving and recieving in regard to sex could be helpful, and this piece is a good starting place for that: Reciprocity, Reloaded .

But it also sounds like some of this might be tied to partnered sex being relatively new to both of you, and you still learning what actually feels pleasurable for you during sex. With that in mind, can I ask if your experiences with masturbation tend to be different than those with your partner in terms of orgasm or pleasure more generally? Too, when you think about partnered sex you've had in the past, were there times where it was pleasurable for you overall and you felt satisfied at the end?

[ConfusedGrape]

Hello Sam W,

Thank you for your reply! The article that you shared resonated a lot with me, and I brought it up with my partner to have a conversation about it. She understood and when we had sex again, I feel like my boundaries were respected much more and it was more balanced in terms of focus on each other. Still, it felt like the pleasure imbalance was there.

To answer your questions, when I'm masturbating, I usually use a vibrator on a low setting (clit. stimulation) or use my legs. I am able to orgasm from this. But when I use the same vibrator with my partner, or they do oral on me, or use their hands, it feels stimulating, but it's either too intense or not enough. There are times when it does feel just right and I tell my partner this for feedback/to direct them, but then it goes away. In the end I've been trying too hard/for too long to feel pleasure and I just feel too sensitive to keep going.

Also, I think the times where I did feel satisfied are during those small moments where the sensation does feel "just right", but they're not very long-lasting (maybe leaves within 30 seconds). It's kind of aggravating because the sex with my girlfriend turns me on. It always feels like there's something missing from my end.

I'm just very confused, why can't I feel as good with my partner as I do when I'm alone??

Sorry for the late response, and thank you!

[CaitlinEve]

Hey ConfusedGrape!

I'm glad you had a conversation with your partner about your feelings, but I'm sorry to hear that the physical pleasure imbalance is still there. If you're comfortable answering; do you ever orgasm from partnered sex? What about masturbation? Just because something works for you solo doesn't necessarily mean it'll work for you in partnered sex, as disappointing as that can be! Depending on how new your sexual relationship is, it may be that you're just still learning each other's bodies (or, more accurately, she's still learning yours). Regardless, a lot of it is trial and error and it may take a while for the physical pleasure to catch up with your new boundaries and communication.