I can masturbate, but I can’t orgasm

[Coolgirl1219]

I’m 21F and I cannot orgasm. I have been masturbating by crossing my legs and squeezing them together since I was young, but I have never been able to orgasm. I have a boyfriend now, and whenever he tries to stimulate my clitoris either through oral sex or did hands, it always feels too intense and sensitive. Sometimes it feels kind of pleasurable, but not better than when I squeeze my thighs together. We’ve tried different positions where my legs can be squeezed together, but because I have been doing it for so long and really trying to orgasm that way I feel like that’s just not going to get me there. I also want to be able to enjoy oral sex and kind of un-train myself from only liking the thigh thing, but I don’t enjoy masturbating with a sex toy or my hands even when I’m alone. I have been sexually active for 3 years and actively trying to orgasm on my own for 5, and I’m really losing hope that I’ll ever get there. Any advice?

[Latha]

Hi Coolgirl2129, welcome to the boards!

Don't lose hope! Your experience of sex and pleasure can change throughout your life - if something hasn't happened yet, it does not mean it will never happen. You may need some trial and error and patience, but most likely, it will be possible for you to find new ways of having sex.

To start, I want to check on something: perhaps you are having orgasms that are just weaker than you expect. Orgasms are often described as being very intense, but they don't have to be. In general, orgasms just involve a release of tension that has been built up in the body. Afterward, people tend to feel a sense of satisfaction, and they might feel less aroused or interested in having sex.
Here is a quote from our article on Sexual Response and Orgasm

Orgasm can feel like a tickle or a hiccup, but can also feel like a very heavy head rush or wave of dizziness through the whole body. Joani Blank once described it in a sex book for kids as feeling similar to when you really, really have to pee and then finally urinating. Overall, having an orgasm is a bit like being a balloon: your body fills up with pressure, then releases that pressure when it gets to its fullest point, much like a balloon does when it pops.

Does this describe your experience?

If oral and manual sex with your boyfriend feels too intense, it might help to place a barrier like a dental dam or a layer of clothing between your body - that might dull the sensation enough for you to enjoy. What do you think of this?

[Coolgirl1219]

Hi! Thank you for the response. I suppose it’s possible that I’ve had a very weak orgasm before, as I think I have felt a release of tension, but I’m not so sure. I still don’t know how I’d really know for sure, and if I have felt a weak orgasm before, is there a way I can make them more intense to feel a greater sense of satisfaction?

Also, I do still enjoy manual sex, and it feels good in certain ways, but I feel like it won’t lead to an orgasm for me.

[Latha]

Hi Coolgirl1219!

I get why you're not sure, there isn't a very obvious difference there. But we don't need to be certain, because it doesn't really change the kind of advice I would give you. It is possible to make orgasms feel stronger, but there isn't any one way that works for everybody. Generally speaking, feeling more pleasure during sex tends to lead to stronger orgasms.

If I may ask, what is your mental state like when you masturbate or have sex? Are you usually very focused on what you're feeling at the moment, or do you find yourself feeling distracted?

[Coolgirl1219]

It really depends. A lot of the time I am focused, but sometimes I feel like I’m really focused on having and orgasm and I think that may be adding pressure. I’ve read you need to focus on what you’re feeling, but I don’t really know how to do that without feeling too caught up on it.

[Sam W]

Hi Coolgirl1219,

I think you're right that focusing on having an orgasm is adding to the pressure! And pressure is basically the enemy of pleasure, so that creates this loop where you're focused on orgasm, but you're putting pressure on yourself, which makes orgasm less likely, which can make you put MORE pressure on yourself.

When it comes to what to focus on instead, there's not on specific thing that you "should" focus on. It's more about what thing(s) help the experience be pleasurable for you. For some people, that's being really in the moment and noticing the sensations in their body, their partners reactions, things like that. For others it can be about being engaged in a fantasy or piece of sexual media. Or they may find it most pleasurable to focus on something else entirely. The thing to explore is what helps you feel the most pleasure or is so engaging and enjoyable that it moves your focus away from putting pressure on yourself.