why doesn't anything feel good?

[whytho]

I'm asexual, so usually I can take or leave sex, but once in a while I'll feel moved to break out the vibrator. Never had an orgasm, either because of the meds I'm on or mental block or something, and the obgyn tells me I have vaginismus, but it used to at least feel good for a little while. Lately, though, it doesn't feel like anything. I crank the stupid vibration up as high as it goes—still nothing. Tried various other methods, and nada.
I don't know. I didn't expect to be this upset about it, but it seems so patently unfair that other people get this way to feel good that I just don't have any access to.

[HannahP]

Hi Whytho! Welcome to the boards!

I hear you — it's so frustrating when our bodies don't work the way we expect or hope they will. I really relate to sometimes feeling envious of others who seem to find sexual pleasure easy and intuitive!

The first thing I want to ask about is your experience of arousal. Often when sexual touch doesn't feel good or doesn't feel like anything, arousal is the thing that's missing. I notice that especially for people who masturbate externally, they sometimes don't realize that they need to be aroused in order to enjoy stimulating their clitoris, because it doesn't seem "necessary" in the way that it is if you're trying to insert something inside you. But it is necessary! We have a great article about the sexual response model that I'd recommend reading if you're interested in the biological details: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

You say that you sometimes feel "moved" to use your vibrator and I wonder if you're using that word to mean that you feel aroused or if you mean it in a more nebulous, "hey, masturbating could be a fun thing to do right now" kind of way. If it's the latter, it could really help if you take some time before you turn the vibrator on to "get in the mood." Although sexual attraction and sexual arousal are often lumped together, they don't have to be — some people do get aroused by looking at or touching someone they're sexually attracted to, but it's also common to get turned on by fantasizing, watching or reading something arousing, touching the rest of your body in a pleasurable way, or enjoying other sensual pleasures (like taking a hot bath, listening to music, etc.) Do you have a sense of what kinds of things help you experience arousal? Do any of those ideas sound enjoyable or interesting to you?

Hopefully tuning into your arousal will help you experience the sensations that you're hoping for, but I also hope that turning your attention to seeking out pleasure (even if that starts with nonsexual or non-genital-focused pleasure) might help diminish the frustration you're currently experiencing. Masturbation (and the sexual response process in general) should be pleasurable all the way through. It's really tempting, if the beginning stages aren't feeling that great, to want to try to skip ahead (like by increasing the intensity of vibrations), but it's often more helpful to slow down and go back to the earlier stages instead or just take a break if it's not feeling fun anymore. Does that make sense?

I also wanted to check if you're getting any treatment for the vaginismus that your OBGYN diagnosed? We have some resources about vaginismus and its treatment, so if that's something that you'd like support for, we'd be happy to help!

[whytho]

I don't know. I never really distinguished between variations on wanting to masturbate. It just seems like I'm doing nothing that wasn't working before, and I'm not getting the same results.
No, nothing for the vaginismus. The only problem I've gotten out of it is extremely painful pap smears, and I have a fairly understanding obgyn who's of the opinion that I can go a few years between them.

[Heather]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this, whytho, and I'm also sorry that you have to live with vaginismus.

What I am getting is that what you're looking for from this is pleasure, above and beyond all else. I wonder: do other kinds of pleasure -- of feeling good -- feel accessible to you? How about kinds of physical or sexual pleasure that aren't based in or involve your genitals?

[whytho]

I'm not sure what you mean by that. Do you have examples?

[Latha]

Hi Whytho,

Heather is not here right now, but this is what I think they mean.

Sexual pleasure does not have to involve the genitals - you must have heard people speak of other erogenous zones on the body, like the palms, neck, or thighs. That is a short list, because skin can be pretty sensitive everywhere. It can help to explore these areas, instead of focusing exclusively on the genitals.

We can experience physical pleasure outside of sexual situations. Have you ever wrapped yourself in a soft, warm blanket on a cold night? Do you enjoy the scent of flowers or perfume? There are more examples in this article, but here is the general point: when people have trouble experiencing pleasure in sexual situations, we sometimes advise that they start by connecting to their body in more general ways.

Sex isn't the only way to feel good in your body, so I think it is useful to be intentional about finding physical pleasure in other situations. But also, connecting to your body in general situations may make it easier to do so when you masturbate.

Does this make sense?