I completely hate my fetish, what can I do?

[Swindle2040]

I need help and answers.
I hate my fetish so much. And if you really have to know, it’s a fart fetish. There.
Recently, it has been causing me a lot of distress and anxiety within myself and a sense of numbness through the past few days, especially when I’m not busy, which is frequently.

I’ve had it since I was a kid. And my most earliest memories was stumbling across videos which were explicitly fetishistic. And I didn’t understand what I was getting into as a kid. Around this time I would also learn how to masturbate by just squeezing my legs together, which originally was never connected to my unwanted fetish but I eventually connected the dots.


And now here I am (F18), struggling with my sexual arousal. I do not consider this fetish apart of me, nor do I want to share it with a partner or play into it. But I did, for over 10 years I played into it just to reach a climax. I learned to do this without videos around 4 years ago, which I relied on my memory to project replays of videos that I saw. That’s how it’s been. But right at the moment of climax I would switch and begin thinking of what I do wish to have with a partner. A normal sexual incounter that’s close and intimate that ties in with my climax, and then I’m done. But I’m always followed with a sense of guilt and disgust within myself, I hate it.

And for all the pieces of info I’ve seen. I don’t want to be told to “accept it”. I don’t want to. It feels more like a tumor on the back of my head rather than something to spice up a sexual encounter. The discomfort greatly outweighs the pleasure I get from it. I want it gone, I want to put my sex drive into something I’m truly into. Not some rinky dink fetish I got by being exposed to fetish porn on YouTube as a child!

As a demisexual, my sexual experience means so much to me, I’ve spent years keeping this damn thing in the back of my mind. I’ve never expressed it in my art, writing, nor have I let it intrude on my interests. I’d never let that happen.
I do have a therapist, I do plan to talk to her. But I would still like any input, answers. Comfort or any thing. I just don’t want to be told to embrace it cause I will never do that, for all the things I have embraced and accepted about myself, this ain’t one of them.

[Sam W]

Hi Swindle2040,

This is clearly causing you a lot of stress, so hopefully we can unpick some what's going on. To get some language clear, it sounds more like you're describing something closer to a preference, or even a habit, rather than a fetish. A fetish technically refers to an object that someone needs in order to achieve sexual release, whereas it sounds like this was, and maybe still is, part of how you engaged with sexual pleasure for a long time, but that you can engage with other fantasies as well at certain points during masturbation.

I'm not going to out and out tell you to embrace this, if only because it's clear it's causing you distress and telling people to just embrace things that make them feel that way is, as you've learned, pretty dang unhelpful. That being said, I do think a helpful starting place is: why do you think this inspires such an intense, negative reaction for you? Is it that it's interfering with your ability to connect with yourself or with partners sexually that you DO enjoy? Does it feel like it's inherently bad somehow? Like it's somehow invalidating the other ways you see your sexuality? Something else?

[Swindle2040]

Hi Sam, thank you for responding.

To answer your first question; I think farts are gross. They’re a normal thing that happens in humans, hell even a healthy thing. But for some reason some part of brain goes “hey that’s the thing you’ve gotten of to for years!” And then my vag gets that telltale wet feeling. It’s almost like it would beckon me to do my thing and get off and such.
Basically I feel this weird fascination has no place in my life other than when I’m horny. I’ve had normal fantasies with what I like, I like being praised and cooed to in a warm manner, I love being cuddled and held. Very close and intimate things that I’ve always looked forward to when and if I ever get into a series relationship. But then here’s this ugly thing that just exists. And the more I look back, it just causes me more discomfort than pleasure in my lives. Unwanted thoughts of people doing that to me, unwanted feelings that make it hard to focus and talk to people. Intrusive thoughts. I don’t want my ideal sexual experience to be poisoned by something that, once I come down from that high, I’m disgusted. I feel that if I ever indulge in that type of shit, I’ll for sure grow apart from my partner. Hell it scares me that this thing will follow me my whole life.

Secondly, I really hope you’re right that this isn’t a fetish. That’s the most comforting thing I heard this week. I have very terrible memories of me as a kid indulging in this fart fascination with my sister as some form of play. All I could think about was I liked how it felt. I was too young to fully grasp what had happened or why I did those things. I burry those memories cause they cause me such discomfort and anger.
All of this feels like something I was meant to grow out of but I never did since I was so ill educated on things of this nature, I only knew to feed into it. I pray that this isn’t a fetish, I don’t want to be stuck with it and I hope you’re right.

[Sam W]

That context is all really helpful, thank you!

One thing I want to mention is that it's pretty normal for young kids to have periods where they're fascinated or amused by things like farting (just ask anyone who works with young children about how many kids love "potty humor"). So, as much as you can, try not to be angry at yourself for those moments.

And, honestly, try not to be too angry at yourself for this, period. For starters, it sounds like the bulk of what this has done to you is leave you with memories of sexual things you explored or encountered at a younger age that you now cringe at and know are SO not what you want from your own experiences. I'd say that's a common experience, especially with the way modern technology allows for easier access to sexual content. Too, your body producing lubrication doesn't automatically mean this is something you enjoy or want to engage in; physical arousal and mental arousal don't always line up. I really like the overview of that in this article: The Great Arousal Mismatch: When Bodies and Brains Don't Line Up.

I think it might also help to remember that just because we do, or did, find something arousing, that doesn't mean it has to be involved in our sex lives going forward, either with ourselves or with a partner. Plenty of people have activities that were, or are, aroused by, but that they'll never engage in for any number of reasons, including the fact that they don't actually find them appealing outside of fantasy, or they used to but now they feel negatively toward them. So, I would do what you can to let go of this fear that this one, specific activity is somehow going to dominate your sex life; we choose what our sex lives with ourselves look like, and how we are, and are not, comfortable engaging in sex with others. Do you see what I'm getting at there?

[Swindle2040]

Yeah I understand what you’re saying. Things may not line up, but I feel ever since I made that revaluation, I haven’t been able to have my normal fantasies either…

And now, another problem has showed itself. Last night while I was browsing some fics that were nsfw, trying to spark some creativity, I found the same writer making fics with the someone’s oc and a character I hold very dear engaging in sexual acts while also including the thing I’m trying to avoid.
Now that itself is not a problem, I’m not policing what people can and can’t do with their skills and such. But the problem lies in how I reacted, I didn’t just brush it off even though I only saw the tags. I began to feel ill, sick, and grossed out. Like I felt physically ill, and I’m still feeling that way. Especially with how I can’t seem to let it go in mu mind. I will admit, I’m curious and tend to skim fics I don’t exactly want to read but am still somewhat intrigued about, but my brain basically keeps making me want to read it even though I know what the out come will be. Making up scenarios in my mind that I don’t want.
I know that sounds petty and childish, but it clearly messed with me to a point I haven’t been able to think straight.

[Swindle2040]

I heavily believe it was a response from seeing something I take comfort in be placed into a scenario, that at the moment, is something I would rather not be in. Yknow?

[Latha]

Hi Swindle2040,

It doesn't sound petty or childish at all - I know it can be really difficult when your mind decides to focus on something very distressing. I think you are right about the source of the problem here: it isn't the content itself, but this pattern where your mind struggles to move on from a subject that you don't like. It is possible to develop a different response - sometimes therapists who specialize in helping with anxiety or related issues can help. Have you ever spoken to a mental health professional about this sort of thing?

[Swindle2040]

I plan to talk to my therapist this upcoming Friday. It will be a lot to unpack as this will seem rather sudden for me. She’s already aware of my anxiety and depression.
If it’s okay, would it be best to show her this thread? As it includes a lot of the things that have been causing me distress. Plus it would give her a basis to work off of question wise.
My main stressor is that I’ll walk out of there more troubled than feeling that pressure lifted.
Where would a therapist advise me to go from this point?

P.S: your responses, as well as some online friends, have been real helpful keeping me more grounded. I very much appreciate it

[Heather]

Hey there, Swindle.

It is always okay to show anything you're doing here to a therapist, and I also think it is often very helpful. Know that we are also always option to helping anyone based on ways their therapist suggests the site and its services might best serve them. We love a therapy collab!

I don't think anyone here can predict what a therapist will tell you, because like people of every profession, therapists, and the way they do things, are very diverse. I will say, though, that in my experience, more often than not when people finally connect with a therapist about something difficult for them, as long as they seem like a pretty good fit, the mere fact of having an extra person for support and guidance in something tough tends to give people feelings of relief. Now, as therapy for a given thing goes on, it may not always feel so much like comfort, particularly since to do their jobs well, therapists often have to challenge us or ask us to look at or sit with things that make us uncomfortable. But even those things tend to nurture growth so that in the long run, if we are actively participating in therapy, we're left feeling more accepting of and okay with ourselves and our feelings than we were before. <3

[Swindle2040]

Thank you everyone who’s responded to my initial post.
Your responses, as well as reassurance from some close friends. I’m actively looking forward to possible change and acceptance.
My appointment has been moved to the 13th! And I’ll update y'all on what my therapist says and such.
I do look forward to getting this stuff off my chest to a professional.