Realizations

[Fender909]

Hey Scarleteen staff,

As you know, I have gone through a couple of pregnancy scares since I've been on here. Both were dismissed as no-risk activities.

For a while, I've been trying to figure out why I'm so scared, even if it's an unrealistic possibility. In the last week, I think I sort of realized what set me off. A lot of the time my boyfriend and I did stuff, I was shaking. I was shaking because I was scared and nervous. I was shaking because I didn't know if I was ready. In the heat of the moment, I verbalized my anxiety and nervousness to him as well. But he ignored it.

In the end, every time we did something together, no matter how I was feeling about it, he guilted and pressured me into it. I always ended up feeling obligated to let him do things or do things to him when I really wasn't. I would be so scared, but he would tell me it was ok to keep going. Now I know it wasn't.

I broke up with him on December 19th. But these aren't the reasons I did it. When I broke up with him, I was breaking up with him because he was very inconsiderate and frankly selfish. He's only fifteen, and I've heard from multiple adults that fifteen year old boys often act like that. But I was tired of it. It was so draining. I would talk to him about how I was so depressed. I felt like I was torturing myself. And he would change the conversation to how we "didn't make out enough." He couldn't care less about what was happening to my mental state or what I was going through. He even told me at one point that I wasn't "getting better fast enough" and that I "wasn't trying." Another reason I ended things is that he had been making very sexual comments to me about things he wanted to do with my close friends and other people we knew. It was frustrating and confusing for me. I expressed my feelings to him many times before breaking up with him. He couldn't understand that he was hurting me. I don't even think he ever realized he was. But I had to get out of that.

I'm still so anxious. I've had two periods and a negative test since my scare began on October 30th. My period should be around by the end of this month. But I can't get the idea of being pregnant out of my head. It sucks. At this point, I don't know what to do. My parents and even my teacher (i go to a charter school where teachers and students have very close relationships) know every detail of my scare and my depression and anxiety. They all are trying to convince me I'm not. I go through days where I'm okay. And others, like today, I feel doomed. I swear my stomach looks bigger. It puts me into a nervous breakdown to look at it.

I think what my ex-boyfriend put me through has a lot to do with my anxiety surrounding this. I did things I wasn't mentally ready for, that I thought I wanted, but I was really scared about. I get repulsed and disgusted thinking of things we did because I know I didn't really want it. I did it because I thought he would be mad or sad that I didn't.

I have a doctors appointment next Friday. I might ask about birth control and my parents want to determine if anti-depressants are the right thing for me. I have mixed feelings. It's just that I used to be such a happy person. I with I could go back to that.

[Sam W]

Hi Fender,

This all sounds really rough, but I am glad to hear you are taking steps to take care of yourself (even if they are hard steps to take). From your descriptions, it sounds like a good thing indeed that you broke up with this guy, especially given how much he disregarded your feelings and boundaries. And it can be hard to admit that you need help, but seeing a doctor is sound. At your appointment, it would also be a good plan to talk about referral to a mental healthcare professional specifically, as they are the ones who can help you decide if medication is needed and help you work through your depression/anxiety in other ways.

If you need some comfort in the interim, these two articles of ours may be helpful:
Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking
Self-Care a La Carte

[Heather]

Fender, I'm very sorry to hear all of this, and also sorry it took you a while to be able to tell the truth about this, to yourself, not just us, and that you had to suffer in the meantime. But, like sam, I'm really glad to hear you come out with this, and take steps to help yourself and make the abuses stop.

Can I ask if you have also spoken to the therapist you were seeing (I have that right that you had one, yes?) about this? If not, if you can, it would probably be helpful for you both, so that they can be sure they're also helping you as a survivor of dating/sexual abuse.

[Fender909]

Thanks so much you two.

Heather, since I haven't been on in a while, I haven't been able to keep you guys updated. There was a OBGYN appointment I was supposed to go to in early December, which I did, but I wasn't seen because I'm 15 and didn't have a parent with me. It was frustrating because I wanted to clear things up in my mind about my body and my depression. We rescheduled one for when my dad can take me.

My family recently switched health insurance and so I cannot be seen by my old therapist, who I loved. : (
I don't know what the deal is with me finding a new therapist, but I can work with my parents to find a new one that is covered by our insurance. It's just a bit frustrating because I've had bad experiences with therapists beforehand who would wave me off and said "I don't see why you need therapy," and my last one, Barbara, never did that. She was very nice.

[Heather]

I can double-check the law, but I do not believe that in CA, minors need parental permission for sexual healthcare, so that must have just been a personal preference of that OB/GYN for their own practice.

(Mind, an OB/GYN isn't the right person to see for mental healthcare, so when it comes to your depression, that's something you'll need to keep bringing to a mental healthcare provider to get help with that.)

In terms of finding help with counselors or therapists, have you asked your old therapist if she might be open to working something out with you and your family? Some therapists have some flexibility there. Alternately, how about asking her to refer you to a colleague of hers your insurance covers? After all, she's unlikely to suggest anyone she doesn't feel good about and respect, and clearly you trust and respect her.

Edited to add that I did just check the law, and indeed, you can access sexual healthcare without a parent: http://www.cfhc.org/advocacy/policy-pri ... ors-access Just so you know for the future.

[Fender909]

Thanks.

Yes, my parents were quite frustrated because they knew that was the law and that I should have been seen. My OB/GYN is my primary care physician so from what I know she has the authority to gives referrals to medication I need or a psychiatrist. (Forgive me if I have something completely wrong, I'm new to this stuff.)

My old therapist said she would try to have a meeting with my new therapist to catch them up on my situation. She also tried to work around the fact that our insurance doesn't cover her service so she could keep seeing us, but in the end it didn't work out.

[Heather]

She does, but honestly if this is someone refusing you care you have a right to, I'd personally suggest seeing if you can't swap for someone else.

Sounds like your old therapist is here, then, to help you with finding a new one, and clear she's glad to give that help. So, I'd go ahead seeking one out with confidence. You have what sounds like the support of your parents AND her support, which is quite a lot, and should be more than enough to get you seeing someone good, and keep you away from anyone who isn't.

[Fender909]

Yeah. I'll see how this appointment on Friday turns out and see if this is the right doctor for me. Thanks a bunch for your help, Heather. I'm starting my search for a new therapist soon. I'll post here if there is anything I need more help with.

[Fender909]

I have a question before my appointment tomorrow, guys.

Could someone convinced they're pregnant (even though they're, in fact, not) or someone who is scared that they are pregnant produce the pregnancy hormone and get a positive result on a test? Or is the hormone only possibly produced when someone is pregnant?

[Heather]

No, they could not. Only a pregnancy can produce that hormone (are rarely, it can be replicated with people with certain tyoes of cancers, but that is both unusual and isn't about you unless you have one of those cancers).

We need to hold the lines we have set with you about pregnancy talk, however, so I will remind you again of those limits and ask you to please respect them.

[Fender909]

Ok. Just making sure. Thanks for clarification, Heather.