I can’t stop feeling horrible about my fetish

[Malla_Fluff]

I’ve already made a post here before, and I feel guilty for making another one, but only feel comfortable posting this here.

I have a vore fetish. Yep. Plain and simple. And I hate it. Before you wonder, yes. This is pretty much a fetish for me. Nothing else really does it for me. Sometimes I can force myself to orgasm to other stuff, but it’s usually only when I’ve gone cold turkey for a while. And the orgasm is never quite as good.

I feel really horrible about this. It started when I was young. I was always interested in pregnancy, and big, round bellies. And then one day, as a young child, I found the weird side of YouTube. And I found my first vore video. The reaction was immediate. I got turned on as soon as I watched the video, and discovered how to masturbate by grinding my legs together.

And ever since then? My body has been obsessed. I feel gross, wrong, and completely isolated from everyone else.

Vore has always mainly been about the belly for me. Big bellies already started to get to me, but then discovering a video of someone inside a belly making it big? I don’t really care for people getting swallowed. And I REALLY don’t look for anything with digestion, gore, or other bodily functions. I just focus on the belly. The way it’s big. The way someone is inside there, squirming. I like seeing the movement, the kicks, squirms, the teasing. I like to imagine it feels good for both parties. I think this evolved from pregnancy? Because soft vore is like taking pregnancy up a notch? And is the most intense form of a belly kink for me, which I have always had. TO BE CLEAR: I DON’T LIKE CANNIBALISM.

In other words, I’m an observer. I NEVER put myself in my fantasies. I mostly masturbate by looking at art. That’s it. I don’t want to be eaten, I don’t want to eat anyone, and I’m certainly glad this stuff isn’t possible in real life.

So why? Why do I have to like vore at all? Even if it’s safe vore? Why is it the main thing that turns me on? This is so cringey and uncomfortable for me to just write about. This is very personal for me.

I’ve fallen into deep spiralings of people saying people who are into vore are disgusting, degenerate, horrible, psychopaths. It makes me hate myself more.

How can I ever find a partner? I don’t want this to define me. But who could ever love someone like me?

I swear on my life, that besides this fetish, I’m a normal teenage girl. So it just bothers me so much. Why does this stupid fetish have to be apart of me at all? Why can’t I get turned on by more normal things?

Please tell me. Am I a disgusting human? Am I unworthy of love? Can I really not be considered normal? What’s wrong with me? Will I ever find someone who will love me? How do I stop hating myself? I really need someone to talk to. I promise that I’m a normal person minus this one thing

[Latha]

Hi there, Malla_Fluff

I'm sorry you're experiencing so much distress, but I'm glad you feel safe talking about a subject that is so personal here. You are not disgusting, you are worthy of love, there is nothing wrong with you, and this will not keep you from finding a loving relationship. I promise. I would say this even if you were a 'participant' in these fantasies, because there is nothing wrong with them. At most, this kind of fantasy is just less commonly represented, and less understood by many people than some other fantasies. And because there are so many human beings in this world, there are probably many thousands of people who share this interest. More people than you could ever meet in a whole lifetime.
I would even say these fantasies are normal, though trying to make yourself match some standard of normal isn't the best idea. These standards are often arbitrary, and have more to do with current social trends than what is healthy or expected behaviour for human beings.

Sexuality is complicated and unique to every person, so it would be hard to explain why you developed an interest in soft vore. But it is also possible for your experience of your sexuality to change throughout your life. If you want to find other sexual fantasies, try to explore them from a place of open curiosity, rather than a place of shame and guilt about this interest. That will make it easier to find what feels good.

You don't have to tell anyone about this if you don't want to. However, if we understand that this interest isn't bad, it is definitely possible for you to find a partner who understands that too. This will not prevent someone from loving you. There are people who hold uninformed and cruel opinions about things they don't understand, but you don't need to listen to them.

Do you think you could go back and read Sam and Caitlin's responses from your last post? I think looking back on their advice may help you.

[Malla_Fluff]

Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. I’ve gotten really anxious about responding. I hope you’ll still respond.

Um. I’ve been wanting to get an opinion on another thing.

So, like I’ve said before. I like soft vore. And when I say that, I mean vore where no one gets hurt, and there’s no digestion or death stuff.

But I still definitely get aroused by some messed up soft vore. As in, it’s probably very gross and uncomfortable to people. Like, some pretty intense sexual soft vore?

Do you still think, even then, that I’m not disgusting?

Once again, I don’t hurt anyone, don’t do anything illegal, and the fictional vore stuff I view doesn’t do either of these things either.

But even still… I feel so messed up for getting aroused by this stuff.

I can’t seem to imagine anyone being able to love me with this fetish. Even if it doesn’t sum me up as a whole person

[Jacob]

Hey Malla!

I think it's worth just remembering that if you can be into a thing, then a person can be into you being into it...

And that goes for any version of a fantasy, and wherever you position yourself.

Whether you're an observer, a participant or whatever, all parts of the fantasy are you performing a thing to yourself... There is really no greater version of consent than the agreement between 'you' and 'you'.

The 'you' who creates or adapts imaginary situations and the 'you' who enjoys it. It's allll good.

I also wonder if we can make some peace between these two contrasting elements of your question, where on the one hand you enjoy a thing and on the other hand you call it disgusting.

Some people like to eroticise disgust and exaggerating "wrongness" can be part of their enjoyment, and so it can be emphasised in sexual media... But that doesn't mean a thing is actually wrong to like, or fantasise and, it doesn't sound like that's your relationship to disgust at all so let's retrace our steps and think about how most of the major elements of what you're thinking of as a fetish are actually things that are SUPER common desires and are certainly not actually disgusting at all to the vast majority of folks who enjoy them.

Here are some elements I can think of:

• the idea of physical closeness and intimacy of beings with eachother (what could be more fundamental?)
• the idea of being "inside" eachother
• circlusion (the inverse of 'penetration') or the idea of consuming or being consumed
• body parts swelling, bulging, engorging
• bellies - big ones, small ones, full ones, tight ones, cute ones, strong ones

You may have a very specific way you tend to enjoy those elements but it's still the same elements!

One last thing I will say is that the type of sex or fantasy we enjoy on our own very often has little to do with what we'll enjoy with a partner. With a partner, everything they bring to the table can completely reconfigure what it is we're going to enjoy with them.

Does any of that help with some of the stress you've had around this?

[Malla_Fluff]

This definitely helps quite a bit!

I think besides the whole fear of not being able to find a partner thing, the main thing that really upsets me, is that this vore stuff is really one of/really the only thing that turns me on, and can get me off. Despite the fact I have been interested in “normal” stuff, it doesn’t really do much for me. Like… I find regular sex stuff hot in concept, but it doesn’t particularly turn me on and get me all hot and bothered. Only vore really does that…

That just really upsets me. It makes me feel alienated and completely unnatural.

I constantly feel very different from everyone else, and like I’m hiding some deep dark secret.

I just want to feel normal and know that this is okay. Because besides this, I promise I’m a normal girl.

These wonderful responses are starting to make me slowly make me feel a bit better, so I’m very grateful for all of you!!

[Andy]

Hi Malla,

I’m so glad to hear talking here is helping you feel better about this.
But I’m also sorry you feel so isolated. Maybe it will help you to realize that you are not so alone in this if you consider that same as you haven't talked about this with a lot of people, many others probably haven't either. After all, sex and sexual fantasies aren’t the most frequent topics in most spaces and especially when it comes to kinks and fetishes, a lot of people prefer to keep these to themselves. And I can remember multiple of funny moments with friends when someone shares something saying "This is super weird and you won’t understand it" and then is surprised when several other people join in saying they experience the exact same or similar thing!

I also want to touch on what you said about the vore being the only thing that turns you on. I would say most people need to personalize their fantasies for them to be enjoyable. Meaning they include and combine things they like into them, and from the most basic scenarios to the most complex fantasies, there are endless options what things to add. And vore may just be one of the things for you. And it’s not in any way better or worse than if the thing was vaginal intercourse or kissing.
Then there is also the questions what "regular" or "normal" sex even is. Because the idea of it that we are presented by the media is often not one realistically reflecting real people's experiences and preferences. So I think it’s safe to say you aren’t the only one not being super into it. Sex, sexualities and everyone's experiences of them are just SO varied that considering one specific version of it the "normal" or "default" way is neither realistic nor kind to yourself. Does that make sense?

[Malla_Fluff]

That makes sense.

I think the thing that always comes back to haunt me, is that this isn’t a very socially acceptable fetish.

People like to assume that it’s all about cannibalism, and that the people who like it are horrible people, and are real life cannibals.

I promise this is not why I feel I get turned on by this fetish. I don’t need vore content to include digestion. And I would never hurt anyone. I’m not really into those hardcore things. As I’ve said before, it’s mainly about soft vore, and belly stuff. Not that I’m judging others who are specifically into that aspect alone.

Anyways, I know people will always be hated on for things, and judged. I know that’s part of life. But it still bothers me.

I just feel like if anyone found out about the stuff I’m into, they’d hate me and want nothing to do with me.

I obviously have no intention of going around telling people this, as it’s obviously private. But it’s still an irrational fear I have…

I know for a fact that I’m no cannibal in real life, I wouldn’t hurt anyone, and just into some weird belly things.

But it’s hard to not focus on hate.

So I guess I’m asking for any advice on how to stop focusing on the “normal” sex and fetish standards. And any advice on how to stop focusing so much on the hate and assumptions?

I’ve always believed that as long as you don’t harm any people in real life and aren’t doing anything illegal, you’re not a bad person.

But I guess I’m struggling to believe that when it’s me.

[CaitlinEve]

Hey Malla_Fluff,

I wish I had a fix-it answer for you that would help immediately. As is, I think the process of becoming more accepting of your own sexuality and fetishes is exactly that; a process! Ultimately, kinks and fetishes can be very private to you (depending, of course, on your wishes). What people think and assume about you based on your fetishes is neither their business nor yours; if it makes you happy and doesn't harm anybody, that's all that matters. Vore absolutely is not about cannibalism and I can assure you that nobody here at Scarleteen thinks you want to harm people for having this fetish; I hope that is reassuring! I wouldn't say vore is necessarily a mainstream kink but it's definitely a kink that has had a lot of attention on it, for better or for worse.

It can be really hard to be kind to yourself, but you've started the process and that's something to celebrate!

[Jacob]

Just to add here that the negative opinions you're talking about regarding vore, are actually not super mainstream, mainly because the most mainstream reaction to "What do you think of vore?" will invariably be "What's that?" (i.e. the reaction I've gotten when I've mentioned it to anybody I've met in real life). The vast majority of people will have no idea what we're talking about here, which I'd say is actually more of a neutral than a negative. What you're picking up on is probably the kind of mudslinging that unfortunately sometimes happens between online scenes. When ever I hear someone say "People think X about Y." I ask myself, or them, "Which people??" the answer to which is usually some other vocal minority.

Also I assure you that most of the same people you imagine would judge you for a thing you're into, are themselves into all kinds of strange and unusual things, many of which you will never have heard of.

I think a really important thing to work on here is establishing that your mind is your space. Learning to feel safe in your own skin can be about self-acceptance as much as if not more than trying to imagine what other people's experiences, opinions and judgements might be. Reminding yourself that "This is my mind, I'm allowed to think what I want here, and nobody has a right to know what goes on here." is so important. There's nothing dishonest about privacy and allowing yourself the care and freedom of dwelling in that safe space.

[Malla_Fluff]

Thank you so much for these kind words! Seriously!

It just seems hard to believe all these word!

For so long I’ve hated myself. Despised my sexual interest. Felt such intense shame for having a vore fetish.

For so long I’ve felt like it would be hopeless to find love. Hopeless to tell myself I’m normal.

But these words are starting to actually make me feel otherwise. Which is kind of crazy.

I mean… I like anime, cartoons, collecting things, hanging out with my best friend. Normal teenage stuff for me.

And then… this side of me. Always thought it ruined me as a person. “What kind of sick person only gets off to vore?” “Why is this the only thing that gets me worked up like this?” “I can’t be normal.” “I hate myself for being like this.”

Then I found this place. Finding this place has been a life saver. I literally can’t thank you all enough.

It’s still sometimes hard to believe that people don’t think I’m doomed, since that’s what I’ve thought for so long.

I can really find love? A partner? I’m not gross for liking this? I’m not a horrible person for this? It’s okay to have this fetish? Having a vore fetish doesn’t ruin me as a person?

It’s a lot to take in. To believe these things. But I’m so grateful for these opinions, suggestions, and comforting words!

I would’ve never thought I’d get responses like this, or that I would be able to feel brave enough to go somewhere and even talk about this.

But I am so glad I did!

I will definitely be rereading these helpful words when I need to remind myself that this is okay. That I’m okay, and it’s okay to be like this, and feel the things I do!

Thank you!!

[CaitlinEve]

Malla_Fluff,

I am SO glad to hear that! I'm proud of you for the work you've done in this thread; you've made a lot of progress already, don't forget that even if it feels like there's still a lot to do.

[Malla_Fluff]

Hey so… um. Just a quick update.

(If I am distracting anyone from helping other people, don’t feel the need to respond)

So um… I didn’t mention it before, but sometimes I DO get turned on from things other than vore. But… the problem is that I can’t fully get into it, and get off.

So… today for example, I was aroused from something else, and was embarrassingly desperate for release, so I searched up my vore art, and finished quickly after.

I feel so guilty again… Should I feel bad for this? In the moment it feels okay, but after I just feel horrible.

I always find myself coming back to this. I can’t help it. I can take breaks, but completely cold turkey doesn’t really work for me.


I feel so ashamed about the fact that I can sometimes get turned on by “normal” stuff, but then always still need this vore stuff.

[CaitlinEve]

Hi Malla,

No, there is no reason to feel bad about that.

It seems like you're comparing and contrasting the things that arouse you. You don't have to feel ashamed about your kink, even after combining it with other things that can cause you to become aroused; just because you also like other things doesn't change the fact that your kink is normal and not a bad thing!

[Malla_Fluff]

Really?

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I do find more regular kinky and smut things mentally appealing, but my body just doesn’t react as much as I’d like.

So, to actually get off, all I have to do is read/look at some vore art and then… I actually get off. Almost right away.

I just feel so… broken? Why am I like this? Why can’t my brain be like “Sex. I like that.” Instead of “Wow! Someone being inside someone else’s stomach? Perfect.”

I just don’t understand why that’s so… sexual and intimate for me. Besides the belly part of course. I know that’s part of it.

That just sounds so… wrong.

I can really find love like this?

I’ve talked to my mom vaguely about this, and she promises I will find someone who loves me, and that there’s nothing wrong with me. That I’m a perfectly good person.

I want to believe her but… It’s hard when this is something unheard of by most, and something a lot find disgusting and horrible when they learn or know…

Idk. Just been struggling a little more again recently because of some bad thoughts about myself.

Just feel like this ruins me as a person.

Sorry for the way I keep flip flopping how I feel. Just very confused, stressed, and anxious lately!

[KierC]

Hey there Malla_fluff,

Yes, Cat is totally right — it is totally okay, normal, and might I say common to combine your kink with other things you find arousing. On top of that, I do think your kink is more normal and common than you may think! Touching on something Jacob said in a previous post, vore is not bad: it’s a completely understandable enjoyment of consuming or being consumed, of fullness and roundness, even being inside someone’s stomach — many folks find these things arousing, too, whether or not they’re also into vore!

I also want to say that it’s not as common to just immediately get turned on by Sex In General. Like, sex thoughts=immediate arousal just doesn’t happen as much as you may think! It’s far more common to need some form of fantasy or media in order to get aroused, so there’s plenty of folks just like you out there who feel this way. You are totally not broken, in fact I think your kink for vore is an expression of healthy sexuality, which is the opposite of broken. And your mom is right: you will find someone, and there’s nothing wrong with you for this.

I hear you that you’ve been feeling one way some days, and a little worse on other days. Do you have a self-care routine for times when you’re feeling more down on yourself for this? If not, would you like some help with making one?

[Malla_Fluff]

This is so reassuring! Thank you so much!

And no, I don’t actually have a self-care routine for my bad days.


I’d love some advice on how to make a good routine!!

[KierC]

Hey there Malla,

I’m so glad to hear that was reassuring, and I’d be glad to talk with you about how to create a self-care routine that works for you. Self-care is highly individualized, so it’ll make the most sense for you to sit for a bit and think about what sort of activities or sensations make you feel more grounded once we talk through some options. It’s also okay if you take a look at these and only incorporate one thing at a time, at whatever pace feels right for you: you don’t have to have a perfect arsenal of self-care strategies to employ immediately — in fact, part of self-care is going through the process of slowly building a set of tools to support your emotional wellbeing. You can try certain things and realize, Eh, this doesn’t help so much, and replace it with something and realize, Hey, that DOES help! How does that sound to you?

I want to start by sending you this article, Self-Care: A La Carte! This includes a long list of things that some folks find helpful for them, so you can take it at your own pace, like looking through a really long menu, and see what you like.

There’s also something said in this article that may pertain to you, too: Sometimes, ignoring or trying to shut down uncomfortable thoughts is an enemy of self-care. I know it can be uncomfortable to sit with some of the thoughts that you’re having when you feel negatively about your kink, but sometimes it can be a good practice to let these thoughts happen, gently observe them, and letting them go with a simple “well, whatever” or “well, I know that’s not how it is, but oookay.” There’s another article that goes a bit more into that idea, Self-Care When It’s Scary.

Looking through that list, is there anything that pops out to you as something that might make you feel better in these moments?

[HannahP]

Hi Malla_fluff. I wanted to jump in here because I relate A LOT to your story — I also struggled as a teenager with feeling ashamed about a similar situation with an uncommon kink. I can happily say that I have found no shortage of people to love me and that it has not been a big obstacle for me in having great sexual and romantic relationships.

One of the things that helped me when I was younger was to think about how lucky I was to know exactly what I liked. We get so many young people writing to us here to say that they don't know how to enjoy masturbating and they don't know anything that makes them feel aroused. Well, you and I both do know, with great specificity, exactly what we each like! That's such amazing and special knowledge!

I know that it doesn't feel like something amazing and special when the thing that you know you like seems unusual or shameful. One way that I like to think about kinks is that they're often about finding something beautiful and appealing in an unexpected place or in something that other people don't always see the beauty in. Like imagine if most people in your life see a gray, rainy day as miserable and gross, but you really love rainy days because you think that rain is beautiful, you like the feeling of rain on your skin, and rainy days make you feel cozy and happy. Maybe you could do some personal journaling or some other kind of writing or creative expression and see if you can find a way to think about your kink in a way that makes it seem like something beautiful, special, and intimate? Or, if that sounds like a lot to ask for the moment, perhaps just exploring how you can think of your kink as something interesting and morally neutral?

Another concern that I had when I was younger was about liking my kink more than sex and having it be the only thing I wanted to focus on. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to have a "normal" relationship. What I've learned since then is that many many teenagers and young adults don't really understand how sexual pleasure and partnered sex work for them yet — for a lot of people, it takes time to learn how your body works and to be able to communicate that with a partner. So when I was younger, it felt very black and white: my kink felt amazing and arousing and thinking about or having sex felt...not so great. But as I've gotten older and found better and more compatible partners, my sexual experience has kind of "caught up with" my kink experience and now both are very enjoyable.

I hope some of that is reassuring! Last thing, I wanted to pass along this article, in case you haven't seen it — it's one of my favorites that we have here and is absolutely true of your situation: Am I normal? Who cares?