Fingering

[Brian]

Does fingering have a risk of pregnancy if beforehand you wash your hands with soap and water? I was also fully clothed while doing the act. Thanks!

[KierC]

Hey Brian,

Based on some of our previous conversations, I want to remind you that continued reassurance-seeking around pregnancy fears is going to do more work to continue the anxiety than to lessen it. In line with this, sometimes these anxieties about pregnancy risk have to do with some underlying emotional needs, and it may be more helpful to address those directly. Are you feeling like you’ve been struggling with pregnancy anxiety more again, and can you identify any underlying anxieties or needs that may be going on now?

To address your question, I think you know that soap and water does not carry sperm and cannot cause pregnancy, and we’ve set a limit on pregnancy scares, which is why I’m asking about some of the underlying anxiety if it helps.

[Brian]

I am a little bit yes. I was trying to push myself past my anxieties after a few weeks of building my confidence up to fingering (masturbating, dry humping). However, fingering is what got me again I guess. Mainly because my gf had a scare and was two weeks late AFTER i fingered her. So i just think my body is responding because of that. Also, i think i just dont want to let people down. If yknow what happens (despite no chance) then i ruined many lives

[Heather]

You know, what sex of any kind with each other is supposed to be about is shared intimacy and pleasure. If and when it ever feels like a requirement or obligation, or like something you have to do to please someone, even if it causes you distress? That's a good sign you need to check in with yourself and/or your partner to recalibrate how you are thinking about or approaching it.

What do you think you would need to feel comfortable ONLY doing anything -- even if for now, that's nothing -- that feels right for you and doesn't cause anxiety?

[Brian]

I have no idea. For me, i love these intimate moments, but its the past events that make me feel like something bad will happen again. Like what if she’s late again? And that results in me worrying for weeks again?

On the other hand, I just don’t want to let her down..she’s not pressuring me or anything, but I just feel weak and ashamed that I’m anxious over nothing and that’s preventing myself from having good moments with my partner yknow?

[aarija]

Hey Brian,
I hear you on wanting to provide good moments for your partner, and I am of the opinion that it is important for you to take care of yourself before you can do something for her. If y'all's sexual activity is causing you distress, I imagine it is impacting her mental health as well.

There's nothing weak or shameful about taking the time and space to address your anxiety. I would say facing these issues head on takes much more courage than suppressing them. Too, you will be better able to meet your partner's needs and desires when you have a more clear idea of what feels right for you. A gentle reminder that you can share intimate moments that don't involve sex, and exploring that is a great way to strengthen your connection to each other.

Have you talked with your partner about feeling weak and ashamed over this? Or do you have peers that you can share your experiences with? Vocalizing our fears often helps make them a bit less scary.

Finally, a reminder that menstrual cycles tend to fluctuate throughout puberty and should not be taken as a reliable indicator that someone is pregnant.

[Brian]

I have talked w my partner about this. The last time we did anything sexual was in September. She advised I take small steps like kissing, masturbating and such. It’s until now i’ve reached fingering and I was pretty confident, until I worried a lot last night.

Whenever i’ve felt ready, the feelings after the sexual act im anxious and nervous. I don’t know why as i know fingering with clean hands can’t cause pregnancy yet I remain worried.

[aarija]

This fear and anxiety is common and understandable, given the messaging we receive around sex and pregnancy. In these moments, it is important to hold on to what you do know, which is that your actions pose no risk of pregnancy. This is a good opportunity to explore some actions or routines which can help you move through your anxiety.

You say these feelings come up after sexual acts. I encourage you to think about what actions you can take after sexual activity to soothe your anxieties. Involve your partner in the conversation as well!

This is known as aftercare, which you can read more about here:
Taking Time to Care: Empowered by Aftercare

[Brian]

So how would I ease my anxiety besides aftercare (btw very informative i’ll discuss it w my partner)? Should I stop going to sites to stop the reassurance seeking cycle?

[aarija]

yea, I do think resisting that urge will be helpful! It will definitely feel difficult in the beginning, which is why it is good to develop some tools for soothing your anxiety on your own or with the support of a trusted individual. This article has a few resources to help you get started on some management strategies:

Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources

If you have questions about any of the strategies you come across, we can help provide some clarification as well.

[Brian]

I discussed with my partner about aftercare and it was very reassuring! I’ve learned to tell my boundaries and we established an official aftercare system! However, my anxieties are still here! I did use your resources, but that feeling id still lingering..I didnt sleep straight for the past two days

[HannahP]

Hi Brian! I'm glad to hear that the aftercare article was helpful — I think it's great that you made a plan together.

One thing that stands out to me about your situation is that your girlfriend clearly has an irregular cycle, which is very common for people your age. I wonder if it would help to stop thinking of her period as "late" or thinking of a "late" period as a "scare." Rather, her cycle length varies and/or is longer than average, and that is her "normal."

Of course it is easy to get swept up in the anxiety spiral even when you know intellectually that there is nothing to worry about! Do you have any self care practices that help soothe your anxiety at all? Self care and aftercare can be a pretty powerful combination.

[Brian]

For self care I like to watch my comfort shows and play games with my friends. I also draw as well!! However, when i go to sleep, I’m unable to distract myself from what scares me. It’s very embarrassing as you know, because my worries of pregnancy are nonexistant

[Andy]

Hi Brian,

I’m glad to hear you have some self-care activities that you like! I would say that anxiety getting worse/harder to deal with at night is something a lot of people experience. After all, there are less options for distraction and being tired after a long day can make anxiety worse as well. Have you ever tried some breathing exercises or listening to something before sleep?

You also mentioned going to therapy, were you able to talk about the pregnancy related anxiety there and was it helpful?

Lastly, I just want to point out that there is nothing shameful or embarrassing about your worries. Even though the pregnancy risks might not be real, the feelings you have very much are. You are able to rationally understand when the risk is real or not, but the anxiety tells you otherwise and that you can’t trust your opinion, that’s why it is sometimes so hard to work through it. We have a personal piece about living with anxiety (though not specifically pregnancy-related one) if you would like to read it:Anxiety Lies.

[Brian]

I haven’t been able to talk about it recently, as my therapist is having personal issues. However, the last time he talked with me, he said me fear of pregnancy came from something else, not from the fear of pregnancy itself. And he let me think about it until our next session.

I think what triggers me is my conflicting worry of the past experiences happening again, as well as not letting my loved ones down with my worries. Whenever we do outercourse and oral i feel very pressured, despite me saying I want to do this. I mean, a part of me wants to do sex. It feels great and it’s very fun LOL. Yet, there’s another side to me just screaming “NO!” the entire time..idk what to do my therapist has been gone for 2-3 weeks as well

[Latha]

Hi there, Brian

These past experiences sound very stressful, so I understand why you're worried. Who would want to go through all that again? But it may not be as bad as you fear. You've been working hard to manage these anxious feelings. Taking small steps with the support of your therapist and your loved ones will help you become better prepared to handle these kinds of situations in the future.

It is okay to have mixed or conflicting feelings about having sex — that doesn't mean you are letting your loved ones down. The alternative would be to go through with sex despite your discomfort. Do you think your partner would want that for you? Remember, sex isn't the only way to have good moments with your partner. There are so many other intimate activities that you can do together. (This article on intimacy has a list if you would like some inspiration.)

I hope you'll be able to meet with your therapist soon. In the meantime, would you like some recommendations on what you can do on your own?

[Brian]

My therapist had to cancel for another week..so yes I’d love some recommendations. She said her period will be due in November, and that’s a long wait. Idk if my anxious self will be able to tolerate that :,)

[KierC]

Hey there Brian,

Ah, I’m sorry to hear that it’s been hard to see your therapist! Do you have another appointment planned?

In the meantime, I would recommend not engaging in sexual activities that may trigger your pregnancy anxiety, just so you can have a breather and some time until your next appointment to consider where some of these anxieties might be coming from, per your therapists recommendation. I want to reiterate what others have said too: you’re not broken or wrong for taking time to manage your anxiety with this. As Latha said, you aren’t letting your loved ones down either, quite the opposite in fact. I think it’s a very loving and responsible thing to do for yourself and your relationships to take time for your self-care.

Apart from that, though, I think we may have sent you the Anxiety and Other Mental Health resources article, which could certainly help in the meantime. Did you see any resources in there that you may want to try? Too, how is your self-care routine coming along?