Fingering

[Brian]

Does fingering have a risk of pregnancy if beforehand you wash your hands with soap and water? I was also fully clothed while doing the act. Thanks!

[KierC]

Hey Brian,

Based on some of our previous conversations, I want to remind you that continued reassurance-seeking around pregnancy fears is going to do more work to continue the anxiety than to lessen it. In line with this, sometimes these anxieties about pregnancy risk have to do with some underlying emotional needs, and it may be more helpful to address those directly. Are you feeling like you’ve been struggling with pregnancy anxiety more again, and can you identify any underlying anxieties or needs that may be going on now?

To address your question, I think you know that soap and water does not carry sperm and cannot cause pregnancy, and we’ve set a limit on pregnancy scares, which is why I’m asking about some of the underlying anxiety if it helps.

[Brian]

I am a little bit yes. I was trying to push myself past my anxieties after a few weeks of building my confidence up to fingering (masturbating, dry humping). However, fingering is what got me again I guess. Mainly because my gf had a scare and was two weeks late AFTER i fingered her. So i just think my body is responding because of that. Also, i think i just dont want to let people down. If yknow what happens (despite no chance) then i ruined many lives

[Heather]

You know, what sex of any kind with each other is supposed to be about is shared intimacy and pleasure. If and when it ever feels like a requirement or obligation, or like something you have to do to please someone, even if it causes you distress? That's a good sign you need to check in with yourself and/or your partner to recalibrate how you are thinking about or approaching it.

What do you think you would need to feel comfortable ONLY doing anything -- even if for now, that's nothing -- that feels right for you and doesn't cause anxiety?

[Brian]

I have no idea. For me, i love these intimate moments, but its the past events that make me feel like something bad will happen again. Like what if she’s late again? And that results in me worrying for weeks again?

On the other hand, I just don’t want to let her down..she’s not pressuring me or anything, but I just feel weak and ashamed that I’m anxious over nothing and that’s preventing myself from having good moments with my partner yknow?

[aarija]

Hey Brian,
I hear you on wanting to provide good moments for your partner, and I am of the opinion that it is important for you to take care of yourself before you can do something for her. If y'all's sexual activity is causing you distress, I imagine it is impacting her mental health as well.

There's nothing weak or shameful about taking the time and space to address your anxiety. I would say facing these issues head on takes much more courage than suppressing them. Too, you will be better able to meet your partner's needs and desires when you have a more clear idea of what feels right for you. A gentle reminder that you can share intimate moments that don't involve sex, and exploring that is a great way to strengthen your connection to each other.

Have you talked with your partner about feeling weak and ashamed over this? Or do you have peers that you can share your experiences with? Vocalizing our fears often helps make them a bit less scary.

Finally, a reminder that menstrual cycles tend to fluctuate throughout puberty and should not be taken as a reliable indicator that someone is pregnant.

[Brian]

I have talked w my partner about this. The last time we did anything sexual was in September. She advised I take small steps like kissing, masturbating and such. It’s until now i’ve reached fingering and I was pretty confident, until I worried a lot last night.

Whenever i’ve felt ready, the feelings after the sexual act im anxious and nervous. I don’t know why as i know fingering with clean hands can’t cause pregnancy yet I remain worried.

[aarija]

This fear and anxiety is common and understandable, given the messaging we receive around sex and pregnancy. In these moments, it is important to hold on to what you do know, which is that your actions pose no risk of pregnancy. This is a good opportunity to explore some actions or routines which can help you move through your anxiety.

You say these feelings come up after sexual acts. I encourage you to think about what actions you can take after sexual activity to soothe your anxieties. Involve your partner in the conversation as well!

This is known as aftercare, which you can read more about here:
Taking Time to Care: Empowered by Aftercare

[Brian]

So how would I ease my anxiety besides aftercare (btw very informative i’ll discuss it w my partner)? Should I stop going to sites to stop the reassurance seeking cycle?

[aarija]

yea, I do think resisting that urge will be helpful! It will definitely feel difficult in the beginning, which is why it is good to develop some tools for soothing your anxiety on your own or with the support of a trusted individual. This article has a few resources to help you get started on some management strategies:

Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources

If you have questions about any of the strategies you come across, we can help provide some clarification as well.