I can't masturbate without my boyfriend

[lovelyflowers]

I'm in a ldr with my partner and we have had phone sex two times now. Since then, I haven't been able to masturbate without wanting his presence or at least hear him get off with me. I'm not sure what to do, I get horny when he's asleep and he isn't always available. Especially now with his family sharing a room together, it leaves almost no chances to spend alone time together. I was thinking about asking for a recording to help my problem. But it feels silly that I can't help myself like I used to. I've also tried just normal porn websites, but they've been useless and turn me off more than anything. Should I just go for it and see what happens from there?

[Heather]

Hi there, lovelyflowers.

You know, I don’t see any benefit in getting judgy with yourself about what you want — and maybe for now, even need — when it comes to masturbation. It’s highly unlikely this will always be this way, both because you being with this partner your whole life is super unlikely, but even more because it sounds like you have only just started experimenting with masturbation. I vote you be kind to yourself and just go with the flow of what feels good and is exciting to you right now.

I think it’s totally fine to ask your LDR to record some spicy audio for you. I can’t say what they will say about it (they may not feel comfortable doing that for any number of reasons), but I certainly think there’s no harm in asking! Just keep privacy and safety in mind: if your phone is through your parents account, you will want to make sure they can’t access any audio sent to you for obvious reasons.

[Jacob]

Hey lovelyflowers,

Just adding my two cents to Heather's response. I totally agree about being kind to yourself.

I'm sorry to hear that a (new exciting) partnered thing, feels like it has gotten in the way of a solo-thing that used to be good on its own! But it's not silly to be thrown off by our own thoughts, it happens!

I will say that if desire for a partnered activity comes to mind when you're masturbating that doesn't necessarily mean everything needs to happen right away or all hope is lost, fantasizing about that activity is still also an option. Also it sounds like audio has been a big thing for you, so I'm not surprised mainstream porn, which tends to be very visuals-oriented, isn't doing it for you! Plenty of people are more oriented towards enjoying audio-based erotic media, including audiobooks, so that might be a thing to look into, depending on which services/sites are accessible to you.

With asking your partner to send you audio clips, I totally think it's worth asking him what his thoughts are about it too, and maybe weighing up some pros and cons with him, including the privacy factors Heather mentioned. Does that feel like a conversation you could have, or would want to have?

[lovelyflowers]

Hi! Thank you two for replying! I've been dancing around the idea, and I think I'll ask him when the topic comes up. We're obviously still experimenting and agreed to take anything sexually slow. I have seen that audiobooks are always a good option, so I'll definitely look into it! Thankfully, my parents don't snoop on my phone but I will be sure to keep the material safe if he does agree. It's really scary, but I'm glad to hear outside opinions so I don't feel as alone. Thank you so much!

[Ro S]

Hey there lovelyflowers,

Thanks for asking your question - I'm sure many others will benefit from your question and replies! I wanted to chime in as someone who is in a ldr at the moment and has tried many ways to do partnered/ solo activities.

I think one way to bring it up to your partner could be through telling him exactly what you told us - that it's difficult to find pleasure without him being involved somehow. Whether that's through, as Jacob mentioned, fantasy or involving him directly with audio. I've actually asked my partner for this exact request before so if you'd like to talk about how to go about asking for a recording or if you have any other hesitations, let me know!