I can’t stop feeling horrible about my fetish

[Heather]

Thanks for filling us in about the OCD. By all means, that’s probably a piece of why you are so bothered by this: as you probably know, intrusive thoughts are very common for folks with OCD.

That said, it sounds like you’ve worked out a couple ways to manage these feelings and thoughts that are working for you, so that’s great!

I do want to tell you that there are people who say horrible things about EVERY kind of sexual person and every kind of sex and sexuality. In such a sex-negative culture, it’s unfortunately just part and parcel of how this all goes.

So, maybe next time, also keep in mind that this isn’t just something that happens around this one thing that is sexual for you, but to literally everyone, especially if and when we are operating in any way outside the most heteronormative ways of being sexual.

[Malla_Fluff]

Yeah, that’s true!

I’m trying to get better at telling myself that different doesn’t equal bad. It’s just hard when it’s so… unique and specific.

I try to tell myself that at least I don’t hurt anyone, and don’t do anything illegal, but my intrusive thoughts still like to tell me that this is the worst of the worst, ruins me as a person, defines me as a whole, makes me awful, and the list goes on.

I’m trying to tackle some of my OCD with a therapist soon.


I just have one quick question.

My intrusive thoughts like to convince me I’m the only teenage girl who’s into stuff like this, or kinky in general.

I get terrified when I think about that most people I follow online that like the same things as me such as anime, cartoons, Hello Kitty, or whatever, are probably completely normal sexually.

I often feel gross for liking my things, knowing I have this other side that feels like a dark secret.


So my question is, do you think it’s possible that other teenage girls like me online aren’t… “normal” sexually? And also can have weird kinks/fetishes that they engage with in secret/private?

Like… I always feel a bit guilty after reading my fanfictions/viewing art of my fetish.

Do you think other teenage girls might do something similar with an uncommon kink if they had one?


I just don’t want to feel like the only teenage girl who’s like this…


It feels like it takes over me as a person.


I feel guilty for liking what I like and engaging in fandoms, edits, TikToks, fanfiction, and more because I have this fetish and feel like it’s a dark side that stops me from being normal if that makes sense.

[Jacob]

I'd say that whatever you're thinking of as "normal" will more likely represent a minority of sexual experiences. Indeed the more you look, the less it makes sense to call any sexual activity or taste "normal".

If you struggle with OCD it's important to remember that these self criticisms are usually much more about feelings than they are actually about the facts of what people fantasize about or what is or isn't normal.

When your stress takes this form of interrogation, I'd really recommend reminding yourself to ask yourself how you're feeling, not what you're thinking, but feeling... It might feel silly at first but asking yourself if you're hungry, thirsty, sad, tired, and then asking what practical thing (not reassurance or fixation) might help with the feeling.

[Malla_Fluff]

Feeling super confused lately so the urge to post it here instead of just to myself convinced me.

I’ve had a really high sex drive lately, I’ve had a pretty high one since I was little and discovered vore unfortunately.

Since my intrusive thoughts, urges, and sex drive have been pretty high, I have been browsing (animated) NSFW places to find my video content of my kink.

I am so confused!!

Because obviously, I like it, because of this urge to view it for pleasure, but also hate it and wish I never engaged with it.

It’s just so weird. I’ve tried viewing other belly kink content, but nothing compares to (soft) vore bellies with a squirmy person inside (CRINGING SO HARD FROM TRYPING THAT but I don’t know how to explain it better)

It’s so strange seeing more typical NSFW while I go to engage with my kink. It makes me feel like a disgusting alien from another planet.

Especially when I can’t help but peek at the comments of some of the content and see horrible things.. (thankfully I’ve gotten better at not doing that lately)


I just feel so guilty, are you guys sure that this is not actually bad?


It feels impossible to believe I’ll ever find a partner when all I can really get off to is this vore content that isn’t even possible (not that I wish it was) in real life!


I feel SO weird viewing this intense vore content, and feel disgusting and guilty for obviously being quite addicted to it.


I managed to go almost two years cold turkey before, and now I keep beating myself up for obviously not being able to just get rid of this.


Idk, I just feel like a completely degenerate person lately who’s whole being is ruined by this stuff..


Just feeling like an alien lately which is definitely not fun

[Latha]

Hi there, Malla_Fluff!

Yes, we are totally sure that vore is fine. There is no doubt about this. You are not being ruined, and this kink doesn't make you a 'degenerate' or a bad person, so it is not something you need to get rid of.

I know this must be really hard to believe while you're being overwhelmed by cruel and isolating messages in your mind. As mentioned earlier, this painful cycle of interrogation and self-recrimination is probably influenced by OCD, which makes me feel glad that you're reaching out to your therapist for support. Any strategies you learn to help with obsessive thoughts can be applied when you're worrying about this kink. You could also speak to your therapist about this subject directly, but it might be a good idea to make sure they are informed about sexuality and kink first.

For now, remember that your mind might ask these questions, but you don't have to answer them. There is no end to this type of interrogation, so it is best not to start in the first place. Instead, as Jacob suggested, try to concentrate on what these feelings might be telling you about what you need, and take practical steps to address that.

[Malla_Fluff]

Thank you so much for that. Seeing the words “you aren’t ruined” almost made me tear up. (In a good way of course)

So… if this really isn’t something bad… and I don’t have to worry about getting rid of it… Can I just… enjoy it? That’s not bad?


You guys really think I’ll be able to find love? Even with this? I don’t want to be alone when I’m older… So… are you sure?

[Jacob]

So, I think because we've already answered those questions it's time to flip the question back to you.

Can you just... enjoy it?

Is it "bad", in your opinion?

Do you, based on what we've already said (about how varied everyone's sexuality is, and how our individual sexual interests are waaaaay less important to making a connection vs relating to each others' on a personal level) conclude that finding a relationship would really be impossible, simply because of your sexual interests?

What I'd suggest is that you practice answering these questions from a different emotional place to the anxious headspace they're originating from.

Maybe the same way that you wrote the questions here you can write them down in a journal then walk away, do something you find relaxing and then return to answer your own questions with the knowledge and care which I know you have, but which you need to learn is in you too, and answer them from that headspace.

I honestly think you already know the answer to these, but it takes practice to be able to being able to both ask the question from that initial place of anxiety without letting them consume you, to walk away from them, and to answer them from a place of calm, self-compassion and understanding. It also requires you remember that you deserve that level of care and understanding even when it's you affording it to yourself.

If you can practice those three things, reminding yourself that you can totally do it and it's good to be self-compassionate, this can only become an easier thing to deal with over time.

[Malla_Fluff]

In my opinion… I do fear it’s bad.

I do feel I shouldn’t enjoy it.

But I don’t want to. I guess that’s why I keep wanting to be reassured over and over.


My sex drive has been messed up since I was little.


I mean… I was exposed to vore content at a very young age. I saw fetish content I shouldn’t have seen.

Simply things like the word “belly” would already make me feel off as a kid.

Then I found vore, and it spiraled so bad.


Sex doesn’t do it for me. Regular smut? Vanilla stuff? I literally can’t.

I hate that so much.


I read comments of people who have been through the same thing.

And instead of making me feel better, it often makes me feel worse.

Lots of people similar to me often discuss how they can’t stay/get into a relationship.


What’s stopping me from being different?

I just want to be normal and lovable.

Words can’t describe how much I wish this fetish just wasn’t a part of me.

Every time I think I’m getting better, I get worse again.


I don’t want to be unloveable. I don’t want to be a weirdo who only can get off to this.


I wish I didn’t have to keep turning here. I wish I could stop spiraling.

I’ve tried to find people like me to talk to. I heard it could help.

All the discord servers and other places I’ve tried are always +18 or all smut related.


That makes me feel even worse. I just want a place to talk about this that isn’t simply for smut.

I can’t find anywhere.


I just feel so alone sometimes. And when I happen to be feeling okay about my vore stuff, I start thinking about the future. I start thinking about how I’ll ever find a partner. About what others think.


If I was someone who had “normal” mainstream kinks and fetishes, I would find myself weird.


I’m not a hot attractive person, obviously I have sex issues, and so that only leaves one thing.

My personality.

I love being myself, and I think I have a good personality, but I don’t think that’s enough to find someone who loves me for me.


I wish I didn’t have this kink.


I don’t want to die alone. I want to get married when I’m older. I want to have someone who makes me happy.

I’m terrified that will never happen.


I am so sorry for all this

I just want to love myself and be loved by someone


Why can’t I at least get off to other things and stop being so desensitized?

[Jacob]

Changing your sexual tastes is not something we can do, or even would do if we could...

Generally, we celebrate people being able to be into what they're into! Self-critical beliefs, on the other hand are the stuff we (and you) can work with.

Here's where I'd get started:

If as you say, you truly believe it's somehow morally wrong to enjoy the things you enjoy, then maybe the next question is to ask; how sturdy is that belief?

If you step back, write that belief down and draw a circle around it. Remember that it's a belief you can hold onto, and it's also a belief you can let go of. So thinking about why you'd hold onto it, and how you would handle the loss of letting it go could be really helpful.

Given that it can be swayed temporarily by reassurance, and you are seeking that reassurance - doesn't there have to be a part of you that wants to feel accepted, and therefore a part of you which is more accepting and shows itself when that self-critical belief is swayed? What does that other belief look like? What words would summarize self-acceptance for you?

When you know that, you'll want to think about what tactics you use (as we all do) to reinforce either belief, you've mentioned seeking reassurance as something you do to try and dampen the self-criticism, but what are you also doing conversely to bolster that self-critical belief?

I'm going to list a few common ways here:

1. Negative self-talk is one way we beat ourselves up and remind ourselves of what is "wrong" with us, with repeated self critical mantras like "it's all my fault" or "I'm a bad/wrong [insert insult here]".
2. Another thing we might do is seek out media which confirms our greatest fears. Somebody who has an unhealthy fixation on plane crashes might compulsively watch documentaries about plane crashes, and somebody who has trouble with sexual self-criticism and rumination, might read accounts from people who themselves struggle with sexual self-criticism and rumination.
3. And another thing we might do is tell ourselves a story about how things came to be and why they can't be changed... which is how
4. + Many more things!

I think I can definitely see all three happening but do you see yourself doing those things? Or things I haven't thought of?

From there maybe we can talk about some ways you can help nurture your own self-acceptance?

It's impossible to get anything useful from going down the circular "how do I not be into vore" conversation, so lets focus on this instead, where we might actually be able to help.

[Malla_Fluff]

I feel like I definitely struggle with the second point the most.

I am constantly looking for bad words when related to vore.

Since vore is very different from the norm, it’s easy to find people hating it, and hating people who are into it.

I know it’s bad to do. I know it makes things worse for me.

But it’s so hard for me to stop.


Even when finding people who understand me, I still find a way to make it bad.


Not long ago I discovered a YouTube video literally talking about the kid videos that began introducing me to vore as a young kid, and that made me begin to have the fetish.

In the comments, there were people who almost went through the exact same thing as me.

The comments talk about how they developed their vore kink, and how they wish they wouldn’t have seen that content as a kid.

I relate so much.

But then I started focusing on how they also said that their sexual drive, and arousal is permanently altered and “messed up”

Some were talking about how they don’t think they can ever get into a relationship, or have had relationships fail due to them only being aroused by vore.


I don’t want that to be me. But if I relate to these people so much, then I started spiraling and assuming that I’ll be the exact same way.


I’ve been pretty messed up since..

[Jacob]

That's really tough.

I can see a couple of way-points there where it might be good to talk about some diversion tactics, and swoop in with some self-soothing and self-care.

The moment when you first think

But it’s so hard for me to stop.

feels like it could be one such way point, because at that point you can see the compulsion is there, but you haven't actually clicked the thing yet. What I'll note though is that "Don't do X" can be very very difficult thing to follow through with compared to "Do Y instead", so maybe lets set up some 'Y' which can offer you some respite, and make it as easy to reach for as possible... and I mean that physically as where as metaphorically. If there is a book that you find comforting, or even a fidget toy, or a sketchbook, having that thing where you can physically reach and/or see it at the times and places where you think you're most likely to go down a rabbit hole can make it even easier, just because you're removing so many steps.

Did you read through the Self-care articles which were linked further up this thread? Is there anything you would say could be a form of self-care for you?

I'll also say that this work of noticing a pattern, looking for in-roads and preparing yourself for facing future OCD honeypots can be a thing that is done even more effectively in therapy. You may have spoken about this already, but could you say more about if there is any mental health support you could access?