i hate texting him but i love being with him

[fresariver]

Hello! I've been dating this guy for about a month and a half now and it's been going really good. He's met my parents and they like him and everything is going great. The only thing is I hate whenever we text. Anytime it's us two I love being with him and it's fun, but as soon as we part ways I just hate our entire relationship? It's bad to the point where I start to even question if I actually like him or not once we're not together. I'll think of us hanging out together and I don't feel anything, but at the moment it's nice and I enjoy being with him.

I've also been questioning my sexuality a lot this past year and I know for sure I like girls, I've just never been completely sure on if I like guys or not. Maybe that's the issue? Because being with him is great but at the same time I question myself on if it's because it's him or because I just like having someone giving me physical/emotional attention, you know? I get warm and nice whenever we hug or we do any physical affection and stuff but I don't think it's like butterflies (i'm not really sure, i don't really think about what i'm feeling while it's happening.) We've also kissed once and it just felt icky. Not because he was a bad kisser but ehh, but maybe I also just don't like kissing? Because I have found myself wanting to kiss him but I never go through it and then i think more about it and the thought irks me out and it's ughhhh. whenever he compliments me or like sends me messages about how much he likes me it's less like "aww i like him so much " and more like "oh, thanks! here's a paragraph back since i guess i have to write one back since you did it for me." he also told me he loved being with me and hanging out and i just remembered feeling like the opposite of what i shouldve. it just kinda felt like my heart dropped? it wasnt a good feeling is basically how i can describe it, kind of uncomfortable. anyways i ended up telling him i loved being with him too but i think i only said it because it was the fitting thing to do, it didn't really feel right saying it, i don't know.

anyways this turned into a huge rant but any reply at all would be appreciated haha

edit: i reread this and woukd like to add that sometimes whenever he send me paragraphs about how grateful he is for me, there's been times where i've just full on sighed or groaned or ignored the message. BUT i also just hate words of affection in general so that might be it. (or maybe i'm just making up excuses, who knows!) i just have no clue whether i like him or not because we did get into an argument once and we almost broke things off and i remember crying and being so, so upset, but it brings me back to my recent point on if it's that i like HIM or the attention.

[Jacob]

Hey fresariver!

When you say "Anytime it's us two I love being with him and it's fun", I think this confirms that you do indeed like this person, and generally I don't think it helps much to second-guess the authenticity of that feeling, when clearly, for whatever reason, the feeling was felt!

However, that can be true at the same time as not wanting or liking this version of the relationship with him. I'm not hearing much about you feeling attracted to him or wanting this to be a dating thing. It sounds mostly like what you're experiencing is a lot of resentment, being able to enjoy some time together grants some relief from that, but is it possible the actual way he sees you, and the mismatch in how you feel about his relationship is what's coming through in those texts?

How would you feel if he was a friend, and you spent the same kind of time together you already do, without the attempted kissing, but your text interactions felt more like a friendship? Indeed what if this was a friendship?

[fresariver]

Hello, thanks for the reply!

Honestly I feel like I'd feel better if it was a friendship, I feel comfortable with texting him and talking to him as long as it's not lovey dovey paragraphs and stuff. But at the same time I also like some of the not-just-friends stuff that we do like holding hands and cuddling and giving him gifts and stuff. I think the kissing thing might've also been because it was my first kiss and so I was more anxious than anything else?

Even if I did decide I just wanted to stay friends with him, I would feel so guilty because I basically would have played him. We're trying to set up a day for me to meet his parents and I can't do the idea of just breaking it to him that I want to stay friends before *or* after meeting his parents He's been played in the past by pther girls and the idea of me adding to that would eat me up forever

[Heather]

My advice is to trust what sounds like a gut instinct of knowing that some of this has felt right as a romantic relationship, but all in all it doesn't. A month and a half is very, very early into a dating relationship, and IMHO, when this early in you are having doubts, it's usually because it just isn't right and the best thing to do is take a pass and then yes, if you like someone in a friends-way, and want to explore platonic friendship, to offer that as an option if they're into it, too. Waiting longer to do this when you already know you're not fully into it is less kind than doing it as soon as you know. Attachments deepend with time, after all.

You can't play anyone if you're honest. Playing people is about dishonesty. So, if you just tell him you're honestly not fully feeling this as a romantic relationship but would like to be platonic friends if he's interested, you won't be playing him. <3

[fresariver]

I just don't know, I've made jokes to him before about when he's going to ask me to be his girlfriend and going back on that to "hey I want to be friends even though I said all of that before!" just feels awful and if I was in his position and someone did that to me I know I wouldn't feel the best.

[Heather]

Okay, but maybe let's think about the alternative, which is continuing to move forward in something you know you aren't feeling.

Then he only gets more and more attached, and the later and later you inevitably do finally say something, the more and more it hurts.

We can't keep seeing people only to try and spare their feelings, for a whole lot of reasons, but mostly because it just doesn't work. Instead, they usually only will get hurt more in the long run. Plus, choosing to be in an intimate relationship or not, if you want it to be a healthy one, can't be based on trying not to hurt someone's feelings. If and when we are in and building intimate relationships, everyone in them needs to only be there because they very much WANT to be there.

You do have the option to say things like, "I'm sorry if my jokes gave you a mixed message." But too, again, I'm not even sure why this guy met your parents so early into dating, IMHO. In the first few months of dating, everyone is only just feeling things out and seeing how they feel, and ideally, no one is getting attached this early in or suggesting big commitments or attachments so early. I'm of the mind, based on common relationship patterns, that people dating should generally figure that in the first few months, anything goes, and that more times than not, early dating relationships won't lead to bigger relationships, because they usually don't.

No judgment if so, but do you think that some of your avoidance here might be more about trying to keep yourself from feeling bad, too, or having someone be upset with you, not just concern for his feelings?