Date a guy in college who has a whole lot of admirers

[Lexie05]

There is a guy at my college who I have noticed a lot during some of our classes together, and I have always wanted to hit on him a bit.
The problem, though, is that he is super-hot (6,6, muscular, dark great hair, beautiful eyes and all of that), and he is essentially put on a pedestal by lots of girls.
I see girls always flirt with him, approach him, insist that he should be with them during breaks, and so on, and I have heard that he apparently regularly sleeps with girls as well.
I am not sure if I even want to approach a guy like him, but I am at the same time hugely drawn to his looks, so I am quite hesitant.
Sure, I guess I could focus on a sex date with him, but I feel like I might become interested in him as well.
What do you think about this?

[Andy]

Hi there Lexie and welcome to the boards!

It sounds to me like you would like to get to know this guy better and potentially have a relationship with him but are not sure if you would like him based not only on his looks but also when his personality and relationships with other girls come into the picture. Do I have that right?

Can you think of some opportunity to talk to him and get to know him better? This can be a shared class or a club, taking lunch together or having mutual friends. And once you find out if he is someone you would like to get closer to and if he seems like he might be wanting that too, we can certainly talk about how you can proceed. And if you end up wanting a casual sex date with him, we can definitely talk about that and share resources as well.

[Lexie05]

Hi there Lexie and welcome to the boards!

It sounds to me like you would like to get to know this guy better and potentially have a relationship with him but are not sure if you would like him based not only on his looks but also when his personality and relationships with other girls come into the picture. Do I have that right?

Can you think of some opportunity to talk to him and get to know him better? This can be a shared class or a club, taking lunch together or having mutual friends. And once you find out if he is someone you would like to get closer to and if he seems like he might be wanting that too, we can certainly talk about how you can proceed. And if you end up wanting a casual sex date with him, we can definitely talk about that and share resources as well.

Thaanks, well I guess maybe I could try talking to him during some party or something like that.
It is just very difficult to find an opportunity to approach him, since he very often has girls around him.
So far I have mostly found myself standing and gazing at him from a distance, and I can sometimes get lost in that and find myself more or less gawk at him and probably give off "seductive" signs, and this makes me feel a bit embarrassed, since I have got the impression that he has sweet and likable mannerisms, so I don't want to make him feel objectified or anything like that.

My main worry is that I will not be able to stick out to him in any way, and that I will just be one in the bunch;
the other girls seem to make an effort to be as cute and likable as possible around him, so it would probably be really difficult to get him to remember me that much.
But I guess I should try, at least.

[Anya]

Hi Lexie05,

I totally understand that worry of "well, what do I bring to the table that he'll notice?" but I think you're definitely on the right track by trying to find a time that you can talk to one another. I think once you have a chance to chat for the first time, you'll both be better able to identify if spending more time together or pursuing a relationship is something you would both want. The only way to truly determine if you each want to be around each other is to try it out and see if it clicks. Rejection can be one of the scariest things to risk though so trust me I'm no stranger to just wanting and waiting, but taking a step towards something you want to try can be a super valuable skill even outside of dating. Is there a party, like you said, or another situation you can imagine starting a conversation with him at?

On the objectification concern, I think there is a big difference between objectifying someone and seeing them in a sexual light, and maybe dropping some hints. Objectification means seeing someone as less than fully autonomous, as a means to an end, or without the opportunity to make their own choices. Do you feel that the way you signal interest in him would be something that fits that descriptions or if you experienced yourself you would feel objectified by?

[Lexie05]

Thanks, yeah I will probably try to start a conversation with him some time this week, if I see him.

I have seen several pretty girls walk up to him and invite him to parties, or say "hii" to him when they pass him, sit down close next to him and things like that, and he seems to respond kindly to that;
he does however seem very used to it, and mostly just responds with a relaxed light smile, and then essentially lets the girls flirt with him while he gives polite responses and small talks back a bit.
I have seen some girls sit on his lap and make out with him on a couple occasions, although that was a few weeks ago, and I am not sure if he dates anyone right now, but I have heard that it is common that he has girls follow him home.

I will try to flirt with him a bit the next time I see him, at least by looking at him and smiling to begin with, and see if he gets the idea.

[KierC]

Hey there Lexie,

I agree with Andy and Anya, getting the opportunity to talk to him more is a good step towards identifying if you like who he is as a person. It sounds like you’re physically attracted to him, so getting the opportunity to speak to him may be a good way to see if you’d like to get to know him further. I think its also worth thinking about what you want from these interactions, and what you’d like to know about him in order to see if you want to continue getting to know him or pursuing some form of relationship with him. Do you have any thoughts on that initially?

This article might be helpful, too, as you continue getting to know him. I hear you that you’re considering casual sex with him, and this article has some really helpful info on deciding if and when you want to pursue that, and if they want to as well: Casual… Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex

I also hear you that you’re concerned about not being noticed by him. Something that might help to consider is that if he doesn’t want to talk to you or isn’t interested, that’s not a signal that there’s anything wrong with you. He may be just interested in casual relationships, and that’s okay! This is more of a time to consider, while getting to know him, if your wants and needs align with his, and if you’re both interested in pursuing something. But I want to give you some space to talk about your worries or hesitancy here, if you would find that helpful. How does that sound to you?

[Lexie05]

Thaanks everyone, I have tried to give him some hints of my interest in him, such as looking at him and giving him a subtle sweet smile when he looks my way, and I also tried asking him some regular questions about school, and I ended up acting really nervous when I talked to him, so he most likely noticed my interest in him there as well.

But I also recently noticed that I have been placed in the same group as him during a school project, which we are meant to work with throughout this entire quarter, and this makes me really nervous, but excited as well.
I was also lucky enough to only have two other guys in that group, so there won't be any other girls as "rivals", unless maybe any of those guys are interested in him as well, but I don't think they are interested in guys in that way.

I will start this group work with him and the other guys now on Wednesday, so hopefully I will be able to stay composed enough to flirt with him, haha.

[Jacob]

Glad you're feeling good about it, but I will say that I think it's worth looking past the initial interest which you're hoping to spark here. The likelihood of this working for both of you, after you've started talking is going to rely less on all these at-a-distance strategies, but more on your ability to communicate verbally about what both of you want. If you two have compatible wants and interests and you're able to find that compatibility through open communication it'll probably matter a lot less how that initial contact was made. How do you feel about that conversation?

Also, it does sound like you're waiting for him to reach out to you, even after you do some group work together, but I'm asking myself why you don't reach out to him yourself like "I enjoyed being in the same group as you; would you be interested in going for a coffee or spending some more time together next week?"

Who knows, maybe you won't actually like him when you get to know him more, or there's some other reason why this won't work, or it'll all be golden, in either case getting there sooner and finding out might be worth it!

[Lexie05]

Thanks, yeah I have had 2 of those group meetings with him so far, and it is a bit hard to find a good opportunity to flirt with him;
partly because we need to focus on work, and partly because I am really shy.
But I find myself having longer eye contacts with him and giving him shy smiles every now and then, and acting quite nervous in general.
I have tried some very subtle flirting signs such as sitting down next to him and briefly brushing one of my arms on his arm a bit a couple times, since this could look like I did it by accident but also maybe give him a hint.

[Sofi]

I hear you on being shy, but as Jacob said, sometimes if we really like someone it's worth being upfront about it. As long as you approach him respectfully, there's nothing offensive about asking him to go grab coffee together. Are you willing to give that a try?