Mixed feelings using toys

[sarxzer]

Hello people, it's my first time here and I don't know how to ask things.
I'm a 17 yo boys, and I'm bisexual, or pansexual... And I have some questions about using toys during masturbation.
It's been a while since I own some toys, and I already used them, but I feel really ashamed owning them. But I also want to step things a bit.
I'm used to fingering myself and inserting a dildo and a butt plug, but I feel less sentation from it... And I don't know where I can ask for things this sensitive...
I feel like I'm not supposed to say those things online... But thanks if you can help me.

[HannahP]

Hi Sarxzer, and welcome to the boards!

You're doing just fine and you're absolutely allowed to talk about things like this here.

You can rest assured that owning and using toys and masturbating in general is all perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Can you talk a little more about why you feel ashamed about having the toys you do? Where is that feeling coming from? Maybe we can talk it through together and help you work through those feelings.

Sometimes if you're feeling less sensation from masturbating, the problem isn't with what you're doing so much as how you're feeling. For example, negative feelings like shame can make it harder to get aroused, and when you're less aroused, things don't feel as pleasurable. Does that make sense?

[sarxzer]

Thanks for helping,
I'm not sure why I feel ashamed of it... I think it's because I don't feel that I should own a dildo as a boy and / or as a minor... And also, I share my bedroom with my little brother, so it's really hard to hide the toys and also to get it when I want to masturbate.
And also, I can get really easily aroused, not just like a boner, but really aroused. It just feel like I feel less and less sensations than before.
Also, is it normal to sometimes need to do it, but in public area, like school bathrooms?

[KierC]

Hey there Sarxzer,

I’m so glad what Hannah said was helpful! I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling ashamed of using toys. You know, it’s okay to use a sex toy, the only restriction you have at this age is that you can’t go into a sex toy store until you’re 18. But that’s just the physical store: there is nothing wrong with experimenting and using dildos, you can buy them online, and plenty of folks at your age use DIY toys too. But with regard to your feeling that you can’t use a dildo as a boy: would you like to talk more about that?

I hear you that you’re having some concerns about masturbating at home and privacy. Do you have ideas of where you might want to hide your toy? We also have an article on this: Deep Cover: Tips For Managing Anxiety or Privacy Worries When Masturbating At Home. Does taking a look through that help a little?

It is normal to be aroused often, but masturbation and sexual activity is something that needs to be done in private. Masturbating in public is not okay because the people around you cannot consent to the sexual situation they’re now a part of. Does that make sense?

[sarxzer]

Thanks a lot, you're very helpful.
Yes, I think I need to talk about it... I don't how to say it but... It feels wrong...

For the hiding place, I use the box of one of my figurines, but if anyone open it for some reason, they will see directly my dildos... And yes, it helps a bit, even if I'm almost never alone.

And yes, of course it make sense. I was more talking about sometimes feel so aroused that I need to hide (in the toilet...) to... masturbate... But I don't and will never do it in public spaces... I'm not an exhibitionist... That why I hide in the toilet with the door locked to do it...

[KierC]

Ah, I hear you. Sometimes it can help, when you feel like something is wrong, to identify where or from whom you heard that this is wrong. Do you get messages in your life against using dildos or engaging in certain activities, and where do those come from?

I’m glad you have a hiding spot for them! Other spots to hide things may be the bottom of a box of random stuff in a closet, or something where it’s at the bottom of a full container that may not be used often.

Ah, I hear you about being in a bathroom with the door closed. While that is certainly better, a bathroom stall is still considered a public space if someone could notice or see. Laws on that vary by location, but as a general rule of thumb it’s better to masturbate at home in the bathroom or where you can be sure you’re alone. More important than that, though, is why you feel the need to masturbate when you’re at school — Is masturbation something you struggle to set aside at school?

[sarxzer]

When I go on website to buy them, they are often labeled for woman or with specifications about the sensation in a vagina. And when I go on some... adults websites, it's almost every time a woman using it. Also, it feel wrong to use my anus to get pleasure, even if I like it.

Thanks for giving some ideas.

And yes sometimes it can be hard at school, as I can easily get really aroused at any moment. So sometimes I just go to the toilet to do it. But when the teacher forbid me to go to the toilet, it's hard to focus on the class.

And I also have some questions about fetishes...

[Ro S]

Hi sarxzer,

I get the sense that you're finding a mismatch between what you want to use your toy for versus how you see it represented online or with others. I understand that the lack of visual representation on how dildos get used for anal play may be affecting the way that you think about what using it "right" looks like. I'm sorry that you're finding this mismatch hard to make sense of and I want to reassure you that dildos are very commonly and often used for more than just vaginal stimulation.

I want to go back to what you said "even if I like it". As long as you're being safe and doing things that feel good for you, enjoying it and finding a sense of pleasure is pretty much the most important thing with masturbation. So, I encourage you to think about how pleasure and enjoyment can be the guiding principles of masturbation rather than it looking a certain way. Because, honestly, there isn't a wrong way to do it. Does this all make sense to you?

With masturbation at school, I want to reemphasize the point that Kier made about how masturbation at school should be avoided in public spaces because someone who didn't consent to seeing or hearing it may be affected. What are your thoughts on this?

Before we move on to fetishes (we can always revisit this), can you tell me more about what makes it hard to focus when you're aroused? Is there anything that you do that helps you set aside thoughts of masturbation?

[sarxzer]

Thanks for helping. Since always I thought dildo were for girls and boys have there hand, and it's why I felt owning them as a boy. But now I feel better.

Also, when I get aroused, I have an erection, but also my ass start to get... Slimy, which can be uncomfortable. And I start to think about really lewd things. Sometimes its only for like 1-5min, but it can also take 10-15min before I can focus myself back... I feel like I'm a degenerated... And I know doing it in public space isn't good, that why I do it silently...

[Ro S]

Glad to hear you're feeling a little better about it! I hear what you're saying with the social norms of masturbation. I think you're doing a great job of feeling what is good and pleasurable for you!

I see! It seems you find yourself feeling repeatedly aroused at school and it sounds like it can be pretty uncomfy in your body as well as pretty distracting. I want to add that you are not alone in this experience, and in fact, it is more common than you think for folks your age. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way!

I want to offer is this article Bothered by being "hot and bothered". You'll find a similar understanding that many experience frequent arousal and urges to masturbate.

Do you feel you have a comfortable space at home where you can masturbate? It may be really helpful for you to explore masturbating comfortably at home and if thoughts arise (and you get a bodily response) when you're at school, knowing that it is likely to go away in less than half an hour and that you can come home to a space where you won't feel rushed or uncomfortable. How do this suggestion sound for you?

[sarxzer]

Thanks for helping. You made me feel better about this really sensitive subject.

And yes the article helped me.

Yes, I have some comfortable spaces at home where I can masturbate, but I'm almost never alone. The only thing is my toilet... But I can't play with toys in it since there is no space or washbasin to wash everything after.

[Ro S]

Hey sarxzer,

Thank you for explaining your situation for me. It sounds like there's a lot of barriers to having a private and comfortable space at home too. How have you gone about using or trying out your toys in the past?

I want to address your initial question again. You mentioned that you're feeling less sensations (or pleasure) from masturbation. We've talked about how feeling some shame may be affecting your masturbation. Do you feel like the circumstances of not having a designated space where you can use your toys makes it more difficult for you to find it pleasurable?

[sarxzer]

In the past, I used my toys only when I was home alone. Or in the middle of the night in my bathroom. But one time I almost got caught so I fear to do it until I'm home alone.

It possible. As I said, I use them in my bathroom when I'm home alone. But also, I feel less my toys inside me, and they enter a bit easier than before. The only moment when it feels really good is when and after I've got an orgasm. But before, it's hard to have enough sensation.

[Ro S]

Given your past experiences, it totally makes sense that you'd want to wait til you're home alone. Sorry that you're in a situation where you feel restricted in when and where you can comfortably masturbate at home. I'm glad you're taking care to find as much comfortability as possible, though.

Thank you for clarifying that point on wanting more physical sensation while masturbating. I think it's pretty common that as we explore more with toys or penetration in general, it'll be easier for it happen naturally and with more ease. Whereas in the beginning, because we're not used to certain sensations, it may be more slow or have a greater impact to our senses. Does this make sense?

Do you feel like you've entered a routine when masturbating? Sometimes in order to get more sensation out of the experience, it's not actually about changing the toys but the arousal mechanism and environment around us. If you feel like you've fallen into the same routine with masturbation, I would suggest you try out different things in order to get more sensation. Is this something you're interested in and would be open to talking about?