Mixed feelings using toys

[sarxzer]

Hello people, it's my first time here and I don't know how to ask things.
I'm a 17 yo boys, and I'm bisexual, or pansexual... And I have some questions about using toys during masturbation.
It's been a while since I own some toys, and I already used them, but I feel really ashamed owning them. But I also want to step things a bit.
I'm used to fingering myself and inserting a dildo and a butt plug, but I feel less sentation from it... And I don't know where I can ask for things this sensitive...
I feel like I'm not supposed to say those things online... But thanks if you can help me.

[HannahP]

Hi Sarxzer, and welcome to the boards!

You're doing just fine and you're absolutely allowed to talk about things like this here.

You can rest assured that owning and using toys and masturbating in general is all perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Can you talk a little more about why you feel ashamed about having the toys you do? Where is that feeling coming from? Maybe we can talk it through together and help you work through those feelings.

Sometimes if you're feeling less sensation from masturbating, the problem isn't with what you're doing so much as how you're feeling. For example, negative feelings like shame can make it harder to get aroused, and when you're less aroused, things don't feel as pleasurable. Does that make sense?

[sarxzer]

Thanks for helping,
I'm not sure why I feel ashamed of it... I think it's because I don't feel that I should own a dildo as a boy and / or as a minor... And also, I share my bedroom with my little brother, so it's really hard to hide the toys and also to get it when I want to masturbate.
And also, I can get really easily aroused, not just like a boner, but really aroused. It just feel like I feel less and less sensations than before.
Also, is it normal to sometimes need to do it, but in public area, like school bathrooms?

[KierC]

Hey there Sarxzer,

I’m so glad what Hannah said was helpful! I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling ashamed of using toys. You know, it’s okay to use a sex toy, the only restriction you have at this age is that you can’t go into a sex toy store until you’re 18. But that’s just the physical store: there is nothing wrong with experimenting and using dildos, you can buy them online, and plenty of folks at your age use DIY toys too. But with regard to your feeling that you can’t use a dildo as a boy: would you like to talk more about that?

I hear you that you’re having some concerns about masturbating at home and privacy. Do you have ideas of where you might want to hide your toy? We also have an article on this: Deep Cover: Tips For Managing Anxiety or Privacy Worries When Masturbating At Home. Does taking a look through that help a little?

It is normal to be aroused often, but masturbation and sexual activity is something that needs to be done in private. Masturbating in public is not okay because the people around you cannot consent to the sexual situation they’re now a part of. Does that make sense?

[sarxzer]

Thanks a lot, you're very helpful.
Yes, I think I need to talk about it... I don't how to say it but... It feels wrong...

For the hiding place, I use the box of one of my figurines, but if anyone open it for some reason, they will see directly my dildos... And yes, it helps a bit, even if I'm almost never alone.

And yes, of course it make sense. I was more talking about sometimes feel so aroused that I need to hide (in the toilet...) to... masturbate... But I don't and will never do it in public spaces... I'm not an exhibitionist... That why I hide in the toilet with the door locked to do it...

[KierC]

Ah, I hear you. Sometimes it can help, when you feel like something is wrong, to identify where or from whom you heard that this is wrong. Do you get messages in your life against using dildos or engaging in certain activities, and where do those come from?

I’m glad you have a hiding spot for them! Other spots to hide things may be the bottom of a box of random stuff in a closet, or something where it’s at the bottom of a full container that may not be used often.

Ah, I hear you about being in a bathroom with the door closed. While that is certainly better, a bathroom stall is still considered a public space if someone could notice or see. Laws on that vary by location, but as a general rule of thumb it’s better to masturbate at home in the bathroom or where you can be sure you’re alone. More important than that, though, is why you feel the need to masturbate when you’re at school — Is masturbation something you struggle to set aside at school?

[sarxzer]

When I go on website to buy them, they are often labeled for woman or with specifications about the sensation in a vagina. And when I go on some... adults websites, it's almost every time a woman using it. Also, it feel wrong to use my anus to get pleasure, even if I like it.

Thanks for giving some ideas.

And yes sometimes it can be hard at school, as I can easily get really aroused at any moment. So sometimes I just go to the toilet to do it. But when the teacher forbid me to go to the toilet, it's hard to focus on the class.

And I also have some questions about fetishes...

[Ro S]

Hi sarxzer,

I get the sense that you're finding a mismatch between what you want to use your toy for versus how you see it represented online or with others. I understand that the lack of visual representation on how dildos get used for anal play may be affecting the way that you think about what using it "right" looks like. I'm sorry that you're finding this mismatch hard to make sense of and I want to reassure you that dildos are very commonly and often used for more than just vaginal stimulation.

I want to go back to what you said "even if I like it". As long as you're being safe and doing things that feel good for you, enjoying it and finding a sense of pleasure is pretty much the most important thing with masturbation. So, I encourage you to think about how pleasure and enjoyment can be the guiding principles of masturbation rather than it looking a certain way. Because, honestly, there isn't a wrong way to do it. Does this all make sense to you?

With masturbation at school, I want to reemphasize the point that Kier made about how masturbation at school should be avoided in public spaces because someone who didn't consent to seeing or hearing it may be affected. What are your thoughts on this?

Before we move on to fetishes (we can always revisit this), can you tell me more about what makes it hard to focus when you're aroused? Is there anything that you do that helps you set aside thoughts of masturbation?

[sarxzer]

Thanks for helping. Since always I thought dildo were for girls and boys have there hand, and it's why I felt owning them as a boy. But now I feel better.

Also, when I get aroused, I have an erection, but also my ass start to get... Slimy, which can be uncomfortable. And I start to think about really lewd things. Sometimes its only for like 1-5min, but it can also take 10-15min before I can focus myself back... I feel like I'm a degenerated... And I know doing it in public space isn't good, that why I do it silently...

[Ro S]

Glad to hear you're feeling a little better about it! I hear what you're saying with the social norms of masturbation. I think you're doing a great job of feeling what is good and pleasurable for you!

I see! It seems you find yourself feeling repeatedly aroused at school and it sounds like it can be pretty uncomfy in your body as well as pretty distracting. I want to add that you are not alone in this experience, and in fact, it is more common than you think for folks your age. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way!

I want to offer is this article Bothered by being "hot and bothered". You'll find a similar understanding that many experience frequent arousal and urges to masturbate.

Do you feel you have a comfortable space at home where you can masturbate? It may be really helpful for you to explore masturbating comfortably at home and if thoughts arise (and you get a bodily response) when you're at school, knowing that it is likely to go away in less than half an hour and that you can come home to a space where you won't feel rushed or uncomfortable. How do this suggestion sound for you?

[sarxzer]

Thanks for helping. You made me feel better about this really sensitive subject.

And yes the article helped me.

Yes, I have some comfortable spaces at home where I can masturbate, but I'm almost never alone. The only thing is my toilet... But I can't play with toys in it since there is no space or washbasin to wash everything after.

[Ro S]

Hey sarxzer,

Thank you for explaining your situation for me. It sounds like there's a lot of barriers to having a private and comfortable space at home too. How have you gone about using or trying out your toys in the past?

I want to address your initial question again. You mentioned that you're feeling less sensations (or pleasure) from masturbation. We've talked about how feeling some shame may be affecting your masturbation. Do you feel like the circumstances of not having a designated space where you can use your toys makes it more difficult for you to find it pleasurable?

[sarxzer]

In the past, I used my toys only when I was home alone. Or in the middle of the night in my bathroom. But one time I almost got caught so I fear to do it until I'm home alone.

It possible. As I said, I use them in my bathroom when I'm home alone. But also, I feel less my toys inside me, and they enter a bit easier than before. The only moment when it feels really good is when and after I've got an orgasm. But before, it's hard to have enough sensation.

[Ro S]

Given your past experiences, it totally makes sense that you'd want to wait til you're home alone. Sorry that you're in a situation where you feel restricted in when and where you can comfortably masturbate at home. I'm glad you're taking care to find as much comfortability as possible, though.

Thank you for clarifying that point on wanting more physical sensation while masturbating. I think it's pretty common that as we explore more with toys or penetration in general, it'll be easier for it happen naturally and with more ease. Whereas in the beginning, because we're not used to certain sensations, it may be more slow or have a greater impact to our senses. Does this make sense?

Do you feel like you've entered a routine when masturbating? Sometimes in order to get more sensation out of the experience, it's not actually about changing the toys but the arousal mechanism and environment around us. If you feel like you've fallen into the same routine with masturbation, I would suggest you try out different things in order to get more sensation. Is this something you're interested in and would be open to talking about?

[sarxzer]

In itself, it makes sense that my body gets used to it.
Yes, I feel I've entered a routine, even if it strange to say it that way. But yeah, I saw it.
And yes it's something I'm interested, even if I don't know how to do it. And I'm open to help, as you are already helping me a lot. Thanks ^^

[KierC]

Hey there Sarxzer,

I am so glad that Ro helped you feel better about this, and I hope it’s ok that I’m popping in again. It sounds like you’re wanting more physical sensation while masturbating, and are interested in learning how to change up your routine!

I want to reiterate what Ro said, too: it’s pretty common to need a change-up in routine after exploring masturbation for a bit; new sensations feel can feel *really* intense, and plateau out a bit as we get more used to the sensation, so making an effort to reintroduce new sensations can help masturbation feel more exciting. Here are some general ideas that folks tend to explore when switching up their masturbation routine. Feel free to look through this list, ask us about any questions you have, and try any of them out for yourself if they seem interesting to you.

Some ideas on switching up your masturbation routine:

• Introduce lube, if you haven’t already; if you have, maybe try a different kind of lube! There are many types of lube with different ingredients, and they tend to have very different textures. Some lubes are more slippery, some are more lotion-y, some are more oily, and so on. Just be sure that the lube you use with a sex toy is compatible with the toy’s materials (for example, stick to exploring types of water-based and hybrid lubes for silicone toys).

• Change up your physical environment as much as you can/would like to. The environment you’re in when you masturbate can impact the experience of masturbation both positively and negatively. It sounds like you’ve seen more of the difficult side of this with feeling stressed about masturbation due to privacy concerns; but on the positive side, changing up the room you’re in by turning the lights on/off, lighting a candle or spraying a different scent, even wearing different clothes on your body or different socks/slippers can go a long way to changing the way you experience arousal and pleasure during masturbation.

• Explore different fantasies, even bringing in different media like erotic books, audio media, or visual media that you enjoy. This can help you get into a different headspace while you masturbate, and may help masturbation feel more new again.

• Experiment with different positions. If you have the space to masturbate in your room, you can try different positions on your bed, like on your back or your belly, kneeling or sitting or standing, etc. Too, even if you’re in the bathroom, you could try sitting vs. standing. Looking in a mirror is another way that folks enhance arousal during masturbation, too: the process is called biofeedback, where sometimes seeing yourself become aroused can make you feel more aroused, which starts a cycle of more and more arousal.

• Explore different techniques: if you tend to touch yourself in a certain place, you could try incorporating other erogenous zones nearby the area, or by simultaneously stimulating other areas across your body that feel good to touch. You could also try different types of touch, changing up the pressure, rhythm, and direction of touch. The timing can be experimented with, too: plenty of folks enjoy experimenting with edging, where they let the arousal build up then stop for a bit before letting it build up again towards orgasm.

Do any of those ideas sound interesting to you, and do you have any thoughts or questions about them?

[sarxzer]

Those ideas seems really good, even I it will be hard for a lot. As I said, I do it mainly like in the bathroom, so I don't really have a dedicated space. And I would love to do it on my bed but I fear it will be a mess after. That one of the thing I fear the most, the mess... Almost all the time I try to be the cleanest possible, to the point where I don't want buttocks to be filthy... So the position I do are not really pleasant because I try to spread my buttocks to keep it clean...
Also, since I don't have a mirror at the right place, I sometimes use my phone camera to see myself, even if it's hard.
I also want to try like wearing some... feminine clothes, since I find it... erotic... but I don't own feminine clothes and I don't know how to ask for them...

[aarija]

If you're concerned about the mess, do you have towels or spare sheets you can put down to make for an easier clean up? You can even designate certain clothes or fabric for that purpose!

[sarxzer]

Yes... I probably have spare sheet or clothes. But i forgot to say that I'm on a double-decker bed... So even if I'm alone, I don't have much space on it.

[Andy]

Hi sarxzer,

if you have the spare sheet you can try if the space you have will be enough to make masturbation comfortable and if not, we can brainstorm ways how to make the bathroom more comfortable and private space.

As for the feminine clothes, do you have some friends you could ask to help you get some or that you could borrow from? Or would you like to talk about how you could ask your family for them?

[sarxzer]

For the help for the bathroom, I'm open to all ideas.

And I don't have a lot of friend, and less of irl friend. I have one irl girl friend, but I will never have to strengh to ask for this... So I'm also open to any help...

[Latha]

Hi Sarxzer

I think Kier's suggestions on changing up your physical environment should be helpful when it comes to making your bathroom a more comfortable space. Here are some more thoughts: making sure the room is organized and clean before you start masturbating might help you stay in the right headspace. You could use a nightlight or candles to create good lighting, though if you plan on using the latter, remember to follow safety precautions. As Kier mentioned, you could change the scent of the room: candles, diffusers, and room fresheners are all options that may not attract much attention. You could also use perfume or cologne — choosing a feminine scent might have similar effects to wearing feminine clothing.

On that note, would you tell us a bit more about the kinds of feminine clothing you're looking for? That might help us provide better ideas. And I understand that you might not want to speak to your family about this, but if they did find such clothing, how would they react?

There are some low-key options that you could start with. A soft, oversized sweater/jumper might feel feminine while passing under the radar. And feminine accessories like necklaces or bracelets might also be easy to hide.

[sarxzer]

I'm not sure about candles or scent, but I can try.
And for clothing, I was thinking like a skirt and panties, and a bra... And I have an oversized hoodie I love. And for accessories, I have other type of accessories I like... Like dog collar...

[aarija]

Hey Sarxzer,
For the clothing, are there any shops or organizations in your area which are queer friendly? They might be a good spot to look for clothing. Second hand stores and donation centers are another spot where you might have some luck. Thrift stores are less likely to ask questions or pass judgment in my experience, if that is a concern of yours.

[sarxzer]

I think there is an Emmaüs near me, but even if I can buy them, I don't really want my parents or brother to find them...