Am I going crazy

[Latha]

Hi Wanjiee,

I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain. I know it might not feel believable, but this awful space that you're in may be the first step in the process of getting better. Give yourself time to grieve and feel your emotions. The way this guy treated you was wrong, but you loved him and you tried so hard to make the relationship work. Of course it hurts.

Here is something that stood out to me while I was reading your post: effort is not the price you pay to deserve a decent and caring partner. Nor is it what you do to make up for not being perfect. (You don't need to be perfect — no one can be perfect because that is an impossible standard.) Your love and investment can create the circumstances for a positive relationship, but only half way. Any partner you have has to meet you in the middle. This guy did not, but that isn't your fault. The fact that he couldn't treat you with respect reflects poorly on him, not on you. He just wasn't right for you — I think he isn't right for anyone at the moment, given how he treats his partner.

Don't judge yourself in hindsight. You invited him to your place because he seemed nice last semester. You couldn't have known then what you know now.

The article that Andy suggested (Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking) has great advice for your situation — additionally, you could also read this article, which discusses strategies to managing feelings of love after a break up.

[Wanjiee]

Hey, Thank you for making me feel like I am not alone... I haven't been able to reach out to anybody to say I'm sad or anything because I just can't.. I had flipped out there for a moment and I've been asking myself, when do these tears come to an end because damn, and today I've really fought texting him, or calling and asking how he is and I can't help but wonder whether he feels the same. So when we were breaking up he told me how I broke his heart once, that's all he talked about, telling me how it hurts him constantly, I've done a lot tbh trying to make ammends and all that, and he went on and on about how people betray him and how his friends have betrayed him and he never expected me to betray him (I had broken up with him prior because he couldn't make an effort to communicate with me while we were far from each other) to him, that reason isn't valid. Which makes me wonder why he pursued me again and really told me we can work through this and I agreed only for him to come tell me that he gets hurt thinking about me and him. He went on and said that he doesn't want me to be feeling jealous or overthink about some girl i see him with on the road, or at his place.. of which if he introduces me as his gf I wouldn't care who tf he's with. He went on and said he was diagnosed with some disorder by his therapist and that he's fighting depression and doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. The therapist part is just bs because he is strongly against therapy and all that

[Heather]

Wanjiee: I'm going to suggest something to think about and strongly consider.

What if what you have been feeling wasn't love, but attachment and a deep, deep want for love you were not getting? I suggest this because this is more often how it goes in relationships like this where one person is doing all the giving and trying to please the other, and the other is manipulating, deceiving, barely participating save when it serves them, not to mention projecting a whole bunch of their own stuff on you. It can feel like love because the attachment can feel so intense, and the *want* for love can feel so intense, but I think it often isn't love at all, or, when it is, it's a kind that's so one-sided, it just can't really grow or be nourishing.

The thing is, healthy love feels GOOD. It feels good to love people and to be loved. It doesn't feel desperate, and like we have to try and do a million things to keep that person with us or around.

The things you are describing in your last post here are emotionally abusive and manipulative. He's shown you again and again that he isn't going to change, and even if he could, someone being abusive and manipulative can't change that within a relationship they have already abused and manipulated in, not without separating from it for a long time while they do a TON of their own work. We know this from many studies of abusive people. It's not that you weren't good enough for him to change: it's that he obviously has no desire to, not for anyone. <3

[Wanjiee]

I think I agree on the attachment part because I've been constantly begging and begging to be treated right and giving and giving and I don't know how, I was willing to give even more... I really really wished he'd change but clearly he cannot, yeah I think I'm ready to go through all this, because better is waiting for me out there... Besides I'm glad it ended while I'm still young, and it's all for the best. Thank you

[Heather]

Exactly. Someone (and probably far more than just one someone) is out there for you who can actually love you, who you can have healthy love with, and with whom love actually feels like love.

You also will not have to try so hard with that person. It will mostly feel easy.

[Wanjiee]

Hey again, I know we've been at this for long and y'all are probably wondering whats up with me, but I really need to get this off my chest because I don't want to send him long ass paragraphs. So this guy talked to me telling me that the past few days we haven't been together he's been very free. Like he doesn't have to worry whether I'll be hurt if he doesn't text even if its to just check up on me, or who's at his place, and if i'll come and get angry, that he can go anywhere without having to tell anyone, he won't have to answer to my questions, as he doesnt like explaining himself. He said that he was a captive in this relationship, which uum I thought its the bare minimum to check up on someone you love, everyday, even if its just a hi, or to maintain boundaries with friends. he actually said, he doesn't have to delete chats anymore to make me feel comfortable. He then said that for most of this relationship. (that lasted 3months) i was a part time detective, but yk that was because of his actions, he then said that the moment i became a detective, he became stupid and showed me all the signs even though he was cheating or not. so uuum what happened to communicating clearly and saying how someone feels about something, ugh, I felt bad about myself last night, honestly, idk why but I got a little drunk and I didn't even feel any ounce of love for him, i didn't even drunk call him, which i thought I would. What I felt was me telling me that my dream guy wouldn't do that to me, he wouldn't mind communicating right, and now that I am sober, I kind of miss his presence, so maybe I do have attachment issues towards him, but I'm done now, can y'all tell me what you think of this guy from this.

[Heather]

Oh, Wanjee, this guy! I really cannot even. I'm so sorry he said all of this to you, how mean and gross.

Before I say anything else, I am going to implore you to cut all contact with him. My best advice would be to just do it. Delete his number, don't say anything about it, just stop talking to him now and forever.

You're right about all of this: his behaviour is what had you in detective mode, and I suspect he knows that and all of this is just him deflecting his bullshit unto you to evade responsibility, perhaps even to himself. It's also sadly obvious that he enjoys hurting you in some way, and quite frankly, from some of what he says here, he just sounds like a person who might enjoy being hurtful, period. And goodness knows he truly is an EPIC gaslighter.

You're also right: people engaged with each other in an intimate relationship generally love to get a good morning or goodnight or check-in text from the other person, rather than it feeling like a drag.

What can we /I do for you from here? Can you do some nice things for yourself in the next couple of days, at least?

[Wanjiee]

This guy fr, oh damn, I am trying to get into hobbies to keep my mind from wandering off and thinking about him. Also a friend of mine told me to not run away from these feelings, and just cry if i want to, but she also said that whenever i miss him or want to text him, I should sit and make a list of all the bad things about him and feel proud that I'm out of the relationship, also, I got back to doing workouts today, I felt quite proud because I'm now putting my goals first, and I can study peacefully, coz can you imagine i once didn't study for a cat because he stressed me out. Oh please. I'm trying to pick myself up slowly by slowly.

[HannahP]

Hi Wanjiee! I love your list of things you're doing to make yourself feel better! I also agree with your friend that it can be good to let yourself feel your sadness and anger and any other negative feelings that might come up. When we recognize the emotions that we're feeling and let ourselves feel them and express them in a healthy way, they often pass much more quickly than when we try to stuff them down and ignore them.

It sounds like you've got great self-care ideas for yourself already but I thought you might like to read this article anyway: Self-Care: A La Carte!. It has a long list of a bunch of ways to take care of yourself, so maybe you could read through it and find one or two more ideas to treat yourself.