Can exes be just friends

[Wanjiee]

By now, you probably think I'm crazy because of all I've been telling you guysbut I promise I'm not. So there's this ex of mine i decided to remain friends with because we were such good friends, like best friends, so i left the relationship because I was done. He said mean things when he was mad, or drunk, and I started that relationship trying to please him, like just making him extremely happy, sending him money, even stealing money from my mum, so you see I wasn't myself, he did appreciate the money though, i left. And since then it's been like 6months now he's been telling me almost everyday how depressed he feels that we aren't together, and honestly I find it kind of crazy because every time he says he's depressed he makes it seem like it's something else, then goes ahead and says it's me and him not being together. He goes on an on about how I've hurt him after the breakup because I have guy friends, and a guy friend of mine told me he wants us to date, i said no, drew some boundaries and we've been continuing as friends. Ao my ex keeps complaining telling me that the guy wants me, and I'm entertaining him. He comes to visit like once a week, we just talk and he leaves, but my ex keeps bugging me about him wanting to be with me and me being an entertainer of guys. I'm tired of explaining how boundaries work and how they're being respected, it kind of looks like he wants to guilt trip me back into the relationship. He tells me stuff like he's the bad one and he's sorry and that he did all he could to change but wasn't enough. I'm tired of hearing all that. Can't we just go on being friends without the back and forth dramas. Oh Goodness. What do i do, what do you think. Was it a bad idea to remain friends

[Anya]

Hi Wanjiee,

Can I firstly ask you what you want out of a friendship with your ex? If it is the same one you have spoke about on past threads here it seems like that relationship itself wasn't healthy for you, and leaving it was a step towards focusing more on yourself and getting your own needs met. What is your ideal outcome for trying to maintain a relationship with your ex?

Sometimes maintaining a friendship with an ex can be a healthy way to stay connected, but I do believe that for a healthy friendship to be maintained, there needs to have been a solid friendship to begin with. When we break up with people we care about it can feel devastating, or like were alone which makes us want to maintain some semblance of connection to our ex, but sometimes that isn't the best idea for our health and prosperity even if the idea sounds comforting. I want to challenge you to think about what is it that you want right now, and if it is connection, to think about other friendships you might try to strengthen first to see if you can meet the needs you want to be met by your ex. Does this sound like something you could try?