caught masturbating very embarrassed

[CuteKitten]

Hi all this is my first time posting so I apologize in advance if my post is in the wrong channel.
Recently I have developed a erotic hypnosis fetish which makes me feel really good and relaxed, when I listen I go really deeply under. I was listen to this content and masturbating a few day ago when I got caught by my parents . I feel so embarrassed and ashamed and now there is this big elephant in the room which is hard to ignore. First I haven't had a sex talk with my parents so I don't know how to proceed about being caught masturbating. Secondly I am not sure how I explain this fetish I enjoy as a bit out there.

Any advice and suggestion will be very appreciated thanks in advance.

[KierC]

Hey there CuteKitten, and welcome to the boards! Your post is in a good section of the boards for this topic.

I’m sorry to hear your parents walked in, I know that can feel really badly when you’re needing privacy. In terms of speaking to your parents, it is really up to you if you want to talk to them about it and if you feel comfortable doing so. Do you feel like you want to acknowledge to them that you were masturbating and ask for some more privacy? For example, asking them to knock and wait for a response before entering your room?

With regard to *how* you were masturbating or what media you were consuming during it, it’s also up to you if you want to discuss that part with your parents. I want to quote this advice column answer (which also might be helpful to read as well), How can I masturbate without my parents knowing?,

Some people get squicky thinking or talking about their parents sex lives, but the truth is, most usually do have them, and most often will include masturbation. So, it’s likely that at least one, if not both, of your parents probably will understand this is something you might do and that it’s something you want privacy for.
Even if you decide you have no interest in talking to your parents about your sexuality, it might be helpful for you to read About That “Talk” WIth Your Parents… You might find that a few of the conversation tips are useful, and it’s good to know how to start the conversation in case it does come up. You also might want to think about how you would respond if your parents do hear you or walk in on you. I don’t want to scare you or make you think that will happen, but having a plan might make you feel less worried about it. Do you want to acknowledge that you were masturbating and discuss future options for maintaining your privacy? It’s up to you, but thinking about it beforehand might make it feel less uncomfortable.

With the idea that parents are likely to have their own sex lives that include masturbation, I feel like parents might also understand that people tend to use various forms of media while masturbating, so it may not be alarming or surprising to them that you were consuming the erotic hypnosis media. How does hearing that make you feel?

[CuteKitten]

Hi KierC thanks for your empathetic words.
I read the 2 links you sent which I found very informative particularly: About the Talk with your parents.
I summoned up the courage to speak to them and now have established good boundaries for privacy. I tried to broach the topic of the type of media I consume however they think porn is dirty and very rude. I have a good relationship with my parents but am unsure how to continue?

[KierC]

Hey there,

I’m glad you found the links helpful and established some boundaries for privacy with your parents! Though I’m sorry to hear that they aren’t so accepting of pornographic media. My initial reaction is that it may not be necessary to continue the conversation with them about the media you’re consuming if you don’t want to, especially if they’ve agreed to the boundaries you’ve set for privacy. But, is there a reason you’d like to talk to them about this media? Or does hearing that you may not have to have that conversation provide some relief?

[CuteKitten]

The reason I want to talk about this media is I used to be a bit addicted porn (not any more). I didn't tell them as I knew they probably would have been cross with me watching it. I wanted to talk to the parents about the media I was consuming as the cat is out of the bag so I guess I had nothing to loose. I don't feel addicted to it atm but if I did feel like I was it would be nice to be able to talk to my parents about.

[Heather]

This is helpful.

That said, I wonder what you want from this conversation? I ask that because from the sounds of things, while you may want to be able to talk with your parents about this, from what you have said it doesn't sound at all like they are likely to be people with the ability to have a good conversation with you about it. From the sounds of things, it looks to me like bringing this up with them is only likely to result in you being chastized or otherwise being made to feel bad about it.

I do also want to add that the concept of porn addiction is questionable, and not unilaterally supported amoung sexuality professionals. Addiction is a very specific framework, namely one about chemical substances, not behaviours, and simply engaging in something a lot or being very curious about something is not an indication of an addition, compulsion or other disorder. Since it sounds like you have grown up in a home that says all sexual media is bad, it may even be that your idea you had an addiction is coming from there.

[CuteKitten]

Hi thanks for reply, I honestly wasn't expecting to get his much advice.
To elaborate on my previous response; since this incident occurred, I thought it would be good to talk more openly about sex and sexuality with my parents. I thought because what I was listening to was "soft porn" it might be an easier conversation than talking about hardcore porn.

I didn't get that great sex ed at school, I think because I was curious and wanted to learn more about sex I started to watch porn, I know now how naive I was thinking that but at the time I didn't want to ask my parents. As a result nobody initiated any talks.

I would also like to say a huge thank you to all the volunteers and staff and Scarleteen, you are doing an amazing job at helping young adults and people with sexual questions. The read up section has so much information which is presented in such an fun and welcoming way, whilst simultaneously given clean point and maintain seriousness when its needed. Honestly I have learnt more already from just a few days on Scareteen than I did though the whole of sex ed in school!

[Heather]

I'm so glad that we've been able to help fill in these gaps for you. Thanks for the lovely compliments! <3

Also, a lot of people look to porn to find out about sex. In fact, I'd say that's often a part of the reason almost everyone does, it just often doesn't happen to be a great place to get some of that information, since it's made to be entertainment and fantasy, not education and reality, that's all. Relatedly, you might appreciate reading this piece -- https://www.scarleteen.com/read/bodies/ ... evelopment -- which came mostly from research done to determine what porn can and can't offer young people looking to it for information about sex.

You know, I agree that ideally, it's great to be able to talk at least somewhat openly about sex and sexuality with our parents. The trouble is, not all of our parents are up to the task, and if those conversations don't actually offer us anything, or worse still, do us harm in any way, then it's not such a good idea. I just am not seeing how you'd benefit, for instance, from your parents saying things that will make you feel shame or other bad feelings about your sexual media. That's also why I asked what you were looking for from those conversations. If, for instance, you were looking for them to help you feel okay about it, it doesn't sound like you're going to get that. It doesn't even sound like you'd get any kind of thoughtful critique?

I'd also say that if you and your folks haven't had ANY conversations about sex, trying to start with something as thorny as the topic of sexual media can tend to be -- and which it sounds like you know is contentious with your parents -- seems to me like starting to try to learn to swim in the deep end, a thing that is rarely a good idea. If you really want to try to start talking more about sex or sexuality with your parents, you might want to think about starting with potentially easier areas, and with you yourself being less vulnerable in those conversations, like maybe asking about how it was for them in their sexualities or puberty growing up, or what their first dating relationships were like?

Again, though, it would be helpful to have a better sense of what you're looking for in these conversations. Information? Support? Connection? Affirmation? Help?

[Heather]

I haven't listened to this (not a podcast listener, myself), but the outline seems like it is a good conversation with Alan, the wonderful and very wise researcher I mentioned up there, talking about his studies and what he found from them when it comes to what porn can and can't offer people: https://sexologypodcast.com/2021/08/03/ ... na-litsou/

[CuteKitten]

Hi thanks for your detailed reply, I have listened to the podcast and the article of development both which were really useful. I think what I am trying to get out of this kind of conversation might be support and help. A lot has happened over the last week and I am rather upset, can we move this to user staff discussions or should I create a new post?

[KierC]

Hi CuteKitten,

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had a rough last week. If you’d like, you can make a new post about a new subject in the User-Staff discussions area and we’re happy to chat with you.