Fear, shame, and anxiety over gender

[Berkeley2003]

I think adjusting to pronoun changes and like what would feel like a drastic change, from being female to male. And I've had people tell me like you'll still be the same person, why worry? I still worry. I'm afraid of change especially when i've gotten so familiar with being uncomfortable with myself.

I'm fearful of trying on the identity of trans male, maybe specifically looking more outwardly and internally identifying as masculine and male. I think I'm fearful of leaning into that look. I just feel really scared and anxious these days that I feel like I can't think straight and process.

[CaitlinEve]

Your feelings and experiences are valid! It's okay that you still worry! It's easy to tell someone not to, but it's an entirely different beast when you're the one experiencing those changes. Change is HARD. But it's important to try and evaluate whether that hard change is worth it. Many things worth doing are hard. They may hurt, but is that pain something you're willing to endure?

I also want to mention that identity doesn't have to be clear-cut. You can try some things on and decide they aren't for you later. You don't have to just dive right into being a trans guy. Additionally, your pronouns never have to change if you don't want them to. Pronouns do not equal gender; you could identify as a trans man and still use they/them pronouns, or you could use he/him pronouns and still be non-binary.

[Berkeley2003]

I think adjusting to say different pronouns, maybe name, and if I continue w/ HRT for a while - those physical changes. I'm fearful of the transphobia, internal transphobia and the vulnerability. I feel like I'm overthinking this and being avoidant? I feel this sense of cluelessness and urgency to sort myself out.

[Michaela]

Hi Berkley2003,

There's a lot to unpack in the message that you wrote so I want to try and touch on all of the different points but feel free to respond back on as much or as little as you are wanting to focus on.

Regarding making changes to the ways you express your identity. Making small changes and continuing to check-in with yourself to see how they feel sounds like a great way to approach it. However, that is also a slow process and one that takes time and reflection. Where do you think this sense of urgency is coming from?

It's also very understandable that you are feeling fear around transphobia. It is undeniable that the trans people in the US are the target of extremely harmful and hateful policies at the moment. That is a terrifying reality and one that I think everyone here wishes that we could change and are doing everything we can to fight against. At the same time, there are also incredible communities of accepting and loving people ready and waiting to welcome you. Back when you first started this thread, there was an area of the conversation around trans support groups. Have you been able to connect with one? Or are you wanting some help finding these groups?

Similarly, you mentioned internalizing some of these thoughts and feelings. Are there particular thoughts or feelings you have been experiencing? Or is it fear that you will begin to internalize transphobic things you see, hear, or experience?

Finally, your desire and willingness to talk about these things and work through them shows incredible strength and does not seem avoidant to me whatsoever. Identity and gender are both very complex things and so it also makes sense that they take up lots of your thoughts. Catching up on this thread, I've read how in the past couple of months you have taken steps towards HRT, learned more about yourself, and wrestled with tough questions around identity, shame, and anxiety. That sounds like progress to me and not cyclical overthinking at all. However, exploration is not a linear or immediate thing which brings me back to the first things about patience, curiosity, and an openness to this journey. If you were to reflect on the past few months, what are some of the areas of growth that you have seen in yourself? Or things that you have discovered about yourself?

There is much more that I could say and write but I don't want to overwhelm you with too many questions. I want to hear from you about what is or isn't resonating with you and the direct that you want to take this conversation. <3

[Berkeley2003]

hi! I really appreciate your reply. I think some of the urgency is likely coming from my OCD and that's something I'm trying to work on resolving.

I started attending a support group at my school, which I'm going to lean into despite feeling worries about sharing things about myself and vulnerability. I'm glad I pushed myself to try HRT which I'm still on. It has been a journey - something that's worrying me and throwing me off is seeing more physical effects of it. Specifically, I noticed yesterday that a little bit of facial hair growing in. I was startled by it and reflex starting plucking them. I don't know if in that split second there was fear, brief gender euphoria, and anxiety. I guess I don't know if I should continue HRT or pause it right now b/c I don't know how to feel about growing facial hair? It's one of those things that you can't reverse. I don't know if my hesitation is coming from transphobia, likely, or what to do exactly? Maybe I try to use make up and simulate having facial hair to try it out? I could commit to taking HRT until end of next week and it would mark 3 months on HRT and pause and reflect?

[CaitlinEve]

I'm glad to hear you've been attending a support group!

Facial hair is something that is new to you; it's natural to be thrown off by new physical changes! This is another puberty, it stands to reason it may be uncomfortable at times. I think it's important to remember though that plenty of cis men shave and wax. Preferring to be clean-shaven doesn't mean it's automatically internalized transphobia or that you should pause your HRT. I agree with giving yourself a little while longer and then reflecting on the changes. I also want you to know that facial hair is reversible through other methods, even though it may not be stopped by discontinuing HRT.

One last thing; it's okay to change your mind! I have facial hair that grows in that I shave and pluck. But I know that when I start HRT, I may have different feelings about it. I would love to have a beard; it's the process of growing one out that feels strange to me. Maybe you can relate to this?

[Berkeley2003]

Yes, maybe I do need to give it some time to think about it? I think my reaction is in part coming from general shock and internalized transphobia. I guess I don't know how long to give myself to see the changes and reflect on it? I think I may like it? And how do I sort my genuine reactions from my internalized transphobia? I