Desire for sex but can’t feel aroused

[riya.xo]

I have this drive for sex, and definitely feel desire when I imagine certain scenarios or read a spicy novel, but I feel like I’m lacking on the actual physical feeling of arousal. I feel a bit of a pulse down there, but I don’t feel anything stimulating when I try to masturbate, and I feel dry down there too. I’m so confused of what my problem is.

[Willa]

Hi Riya.xo,

Even when one is mentally in a state of arousal, it can sometimes take a build-up of physical stimulation to reach a state of physical arousal. You can start with these imagined scenarios or novels by stimulating other parts of the body first: chest, face, arms etc. Taking the time to set the mood and pay attention to how different sensations feel can help build the feeling of physical arousal. I can link a source that discusses the basics of masturbation and maybe some new things that you can try: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodi ... sturbation. Incorporating different types of masturbation or outside components such as lubrication may be helpful to you as well.

[riya.xo]

Thank you so much for the advice.

Is it normal? I feel like getting physically aroused is so easy for most people, based on what I’ve heard in the past. It’s never happened to me before, no matter what I try, but I don’t believe I have a low sex drive. Every time I try to stimulate myself, it feels more like a light tickle if anything.

[Andy]

Hi there, riya.xo!

Don’t worry, you are by far not the only person experiencing this, people's sexual responses are way more varied and nuanced than it’s portrayed in media or even more than people often admit themselves. I think a quick search through our boards will help you find other people with similar experiences and reading through the threads might even lead to discovering some ideas what to try!

In addition to that, it might be helpful to think about how does your body and mind feel at the moment, do you feel relaxed, tense, frustrated, excited...? Also, are you able to experience pleasure in other non-sexual ways? This can be anything like taking a bath, getting a massage or having something good to eat.

[Lydia0001]

I recommend exploring relaxation techniques to reduce stress and increase arousal, such as deep breathing or mindfulness exercises. Additionally, incorporating more foreplay and sensual activities into your sexual experiences may enhance physical arousal.

Alternatively you can try really hard on feelings that would arouse someone, and try to think about it, maybe it's just not natural to you just yet and just need a lil' bit of concentration

[riya.xo]

Ok so I’m back after about a year and still can’t seem to get it. I tried relaxation, other things to bring pleasure like food and whatnot, read through other boards. Nothing works.

I have a shower head in my shower and I read that it’s supposed to work wonders, but honestly when there’s any pressure involved it just hurts or feels uncomfortable.

Lighter movements just feel like a tickle and nothing more, no matter how relaxed or focused I am.

Is there something wrong with me? Should I try something else?

[Heather]

So sorry this is still so frustrating for you, riya.

You know, since you're also complaining about dryness, while I really doubt this is based in a physical issue, it seems like at this point it's worth making sure, and you might also benefit from talking to a sexual healthcare provider about this. Are you open to making an appointment with an OB/GYN to make sure there's nothing afoot physically?

Mind, I'm also curious to know what happens when you follow those feelings of desire and arousal, take some time and space to yourself, use lubricant so you are *not* dry, and really explore your vulva and the rest of your body. Like, when you really make a kind of pleasure-focused space for yourself and take, say, at least a half hour or so to touch yourself (maybe even with a toy?), does it stay feeling the same for you the whole time, without anything feeling good or exciting?

[riya.xo]

Thank you for your insight, I really appreciate the help!

Unfortunately, I did try to sit and relax and focus on it, but I really just don’t feel anything. I actually managed to not be dry anymore and fanfiction seemed to help with that, so once I got to that point I tried to stimulate more but nothing worked. I can’t seem to get past that point. I even tried with the shower head and felt absolutely nothing. And I can’t get access to any toys either, so I’m not sure if they’ll work.

Is there anything else I could try? I’m close to giving up at this point and maybe I’m just not meant for it.

[Heather]

You know, at this point, just so you can rule it out and also see what an in-person conversation with someone about this is like, my best advice would be to make an appointment with a gynecologist, tell them everything you have told us here, and see what they say.

If they say that there doesn't appear to be anything amiss neurologically or otherwise, then we can be pretty sure this is about psychology, not physiology OR just about you not yet discovering the kind of stimulation that you do enjoy. If so, we can take it from there. But since you keep saying you either feel nothing or feel discomfort, and you haven't seen a healthcare provider yet, I think it sounds like it's time to make sure that this isn't something physiological.