unkind online community.

[CuteKitten]

Hi all so after the last few months I have been part of an online kinky community. It nice to have a community where everyone has a shared interest and I had developed perceived online friends. Basically in this discord there is a section called Safe Space where you can talk about things that might be upsetting or concerned about. A few days ago I posed in the safe space saying that irl I was dealing with a lot of stress with run up to exams and that I was using hypnosis as a way to deal with that stress. I asked if this was an ok relationship to have with hypnosis and could it lead to addiction (maybe a better word would have been dependence also I heard that sub frezy was a thing and wondered if I had it.) So then with no warning 2 days ago my discord stopped working, I though oh this is weird maybe it needs an update, so left it for 2 days. Today I tried to ask for help on twitter as I knew a few of there usernames and ask why its happening I got no reply. Then later on today I got a message from one of the discord members and said I had got banned and he was sorry. He said I got banned because "the combination of potentially being reportable (enough that could link evidence to a reporting service) and highlighting an issue with the kink the server is there for/relates directly to her business means that action has to be taken to remove either that you're having an issue with the business area, or that you are a potentially underage member of the server. Its a hard line to take, buts its there because you can be reasonable, we can be reasonable, but one person who wants to cause trouble makes an account, joins and then finds it and reports, and the whole thing is ruined."

Like I understand there concerns but they could have just asked my to delete the post and the problem would have been solved. I am rather upset as I had no headup, no warning, and no contact afterward. I have been basically left to hang out to dry. Any tips to deal with this? I know this is a long post but thanks for reading its much appreciated.

[KierC]

Hey there,

Ah, I am so sorry this happened to you. So, it sounds like you were asking an earnest question about hypnosis, and they took it as a violation of their policies. (So strange, too, their comment about you potentially being underage, as you are 18. Do they have an older age requirement for the discord?). I can understand how upsetting this must feel for you, too, as it sounds like this community was a space where you could meet friends with similar interests, and the banning was really abrupt. I know online spaces can be really tricky with rules and guidelines in case of trolls, but I agree with you, ideally you would’ve been able to delete the post or learn more about their policies instead of them outright banning you without discussion or warning.

Do you have an idea of what form of support you’d like surrounding this? Are you looking to try to find different communities online, or want to talk about how it made you feel, or something else? Either way, we’re here for you. I’m so sorry that happened, how crummy.

[CuteKitten]

Basically the discord has an 18+ policy which I think is a good thing. I said in the post that I was stressed with A level mock results (These are exams people take in England when they are 17 or 18 so I guess there was a potential of me being underage.) The person I spoke to said "if someone decides to make an issue for the server, and they see an opportunity to report someone as under age in an 18+ server, then the server gets closed down, and then there's an appeals process and even with a win it won't ever be fixed really." I responded calmy saying that I was over the age of 18, I mean I could send a picture of my ID to prove it but I don't think it will change much . Also today the hypnotist blocked me for communicating on twitter they are all basically distancing themselves from me . Hypnosis is a very niche kink and there are not really many online communities out there, I mean there are ways you can get audios but not many spaces you can interact with people who are into it, and these places are on discord which I am banned from. I mean there is reddit but its not really the same if you know what I mean.

I would like to talk about how it made me feel. So imagine you have found an activity you really enjoy which you do as a pastime regularly. It doesn't impact on your work and actually makes you less stressed! That basically how I feel with hypnosis. Then all of a sudden its taken away from you and you might never get it back. I am not sure how long they have banned me for I asked but the person didn't know. I think it might be a permeant ban as I can't access discord not just the server. I am so upset as I asked to my eyes a rather innocent question in a section where you can ask these kind of questions and it has led to this. I haven't been at all aggressive and acted very calming when responding and offering ways to reduce any damage my post caused such as deleting my post in order to try and get let back in. However it seems they have a hard line approach to these things and it doesn't seem like any kind on negotiation's is going to help me in this situation. I feel like I have blown my only chance with this kink just want a second chance (not that I think that I did anything wrong that deserved me to get banned.) Yesterday I was very emotional which is not really like me and broke down crying I didn't tell my parents the reason Kier as you know from my other post. I don't know what to do an am quite lost. I also might be experiencing a sought of sub drop which might be making it worse. Do any of you have any tips on how I might communicate to be let back in?(I know you probably don't but I thought it was worth asking? Also any tips to deal with these emotions, it has effected me a lot and because I care about this I am really struggling. It weird as I really want to get back into the community but I really didn't like how they dealt with the situation and treated me. They could have involved me in the discussion and could have talked in out and reached a middle ground instead of going to a worse case scenario, I expected them to act like mature adults and maybe just maybe have a bit of emotional intelligence about how there actions could effect me.

[CaitlinEve]

It's weird to me that you can't access Discord as a whole in addition to the specific server. Have you been banned from servers or reported before? I don't think you blew your chance with the kink either! At the end of the day, even if it seems like you've been barred from it, this is only one space and only so many people who are part of this one space. There will always be more, you may just need to search to find them first. I think that you've made a great start to dealing with these emotions by talking them through here. Do you have any friends (online or 'irl') that you feel like you could talk about this with as well?

I also think that it's worth thinking about whether or not a community with people who would treat you like this is one that is worth being involved in. Do you think that if you did get back into this specific community that it would still be a safe space for you?

[CuteKitten]

No I have never been banned from discord before. Maybe I haven't blown my chance buts it a serious setback. I have kept my interest in this kink a secret as I know people will act a bit strange or might make fun of me, however I have spoken to a few true friends online which has helped a bit.

Basically in this community there are a few moderators. They decide the rules and how to proceed and basically everyone else follows suit. You raise a good point about if its worth to be involved in this kind of community but at the moment its this or nothing until I find another community. To a certain point the damage is done and I will never trust them again on the same level as there so called safe space is a whole load of bull. I think if they let me back in in the next week and apologized for overreacting I would feel ok being back in the community though I think that is unlikely to happen by the way its progressed and its already been half a week since I got banned.

[CaitlinEve]

Being banned from one discord shouldn't cause your whole discord to act up. I would maybe see if you can contact discord's customer support to make sure your entire account wasn't banned from the platform! What do you think your next steps will be with this situation? Are those true friends you mentioned also part of this community?

[CuteKitten]

Thanks that's a good idea!
I think my next steps in the situation will be to try and find a new community which your words have given me more motivation to try and pursue.
Most of these true friends are not part of the community but that might actually be a good thing as they helped me realise that these people are not really friends and didn't look out for me and did quite the opposite. I still have one person in the community who I trust but doesn't have really any influence in the decisions made but maybe they can help.
Thanks for responding I know most people wouldn't have spent this much of there spare time trying to help me deal with this problem.

[Sofi]

That's a great plan! There are hopefully other communities that will fit your needs and be inclusive - and if not, perhaps you could start your own

[CuteKitten]

Update: Hi all thanks for all your kind words. Good news after doing a bit of searching I have found other communities! I feel much happier know that there are many difference spaces and there are still many door open for me!
Coming out of this experience I feel much more resilient and even though online communities can be tough am hopeful for the future!

[KierC]

Hi CuteKitten,

This is such a wonderful update, I’m so glad to hear this! Good on you, too, for being resilient and looking for new communities to explore.

[CuteKitten]

Hi all I just want to make a little apology.
Reflecting I realise particularly at the beginning of this post it was a bit of a rant about my problems,
I know now I was in a bad metal state and I was definitely effected by the experience, however it was not right and rather selfish that I dumped my problems on all of you.
Thanks for helping me figure out the situation, I am doing much better now
I read this guide which really helped me decompress, I have been really enjoying reading articles on Scarleteen and I have been learning so much!
Thanks again.
https://www.scarleteen.com/read/feeling ... e-la-carte

[HannahP]

Hey CuteKitten! There's no need to apologize — your posts were exactly the kind of thing we're here for and we'll be here in the future if you need us. But I'm so happy to hear that our self care article is helping you. I really love that one!

[CuteKitten]

Hi all,
so recently I was wondering how I should respond to a question I got.
So I have found this wonderful small community about a few weeks back so lucked out !!! A few days ago I was writing an appreciation post saying how grateful I was I found there content as I had previously had bad experiences with hypnotists and discords. They asked we happened but I'm not really sure how to respond. I still sought have trust issues after the experience I have also have other experiences since then online where someone was trying to groom me.

[Heather]

Hey there, CuteKitten.

I'm so glad you found that for yourself!

You don't ever owe anyone backstory about anything you aren't comfortable sharing. If and when anyone, in any context, asks for that and you aren't ready to share, don't want to, or don't have the right conditions that make sharing feel right for you, you can decline to. All you should need to say with something like this is that you're still getting your feelings of safety back and building trust and you don't yet feel ready to share.

How does that sound?

[CuteKitten]

Hi Heather,
I said something similar to what you suggested and they backed off and even apologised which kinda made me feel bad so I said it all fine and there was no need to apologise. All good now thanks for you help.

[Sofi]

I just want to drop in and say that I totally understand feeling bad in that situation, as a recovering people pleaser myself, but you weren't unkind and setting boundaries is never a bad thing. If someone apologizes, or even worse if they get mad or upset with you for setting a boundary, that's on them - not you. There's nothing wrong with feeling bad, I just don't want you to feel guilty and/or set less boundaries because of this.

[CuteKitten]

Hi Sofi,
yes I understand the importance of setting boundaries and sticking to them and of course respecting other peoples particularly as I move into adult life. I think in retrospect I am definitely am people pleaser I like to follow rules, people used to call me a teacher pet at school when I was younger. It might of been one of the reasons why the ban from that discord server hurt so much as in my eyes it seemed like I did nothing wrong and no amends on my part could fix the situation (even though there was no need to make amends.) I think one of the problems I have is I let my guard down to easily and even though I have had positive experiences with adults online others use my openness to try and exploit me by cold reading me.

I read this article on the site that was helpful
https://www.scarleteen.com/read/abuse/g ... ne-abusers

They had gotten to step 5 before I realised what was happening, luckily I realised before things got worse.

[KierC]

I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you, but I’m glad you were able to get out of that situation. Do you feel safe in this new community currently?

It also sounds like you’re looking back at some times when you’ve shared with folks online, and you’re feeling like you let your guard down easily. Could you say a little more about how you experience that feeling?

Too, do you experience the letting your guard down/sharing as something that could be connected to people-pleasing, or are you experiencing those two things as separate? I ask because, as a recovering people-pleaser, I sometimes find myself sharing in an effort to please. That’s just one personal experience of a much broader phenomenon, so feel free to toss it if it isn’t helpful to think of it that way. Either way, though, you are not alone in this!

[CuteKitten]

Hi KeirC
I do feel safe in this community it is smaller so this kind of behavior is probably less likely going to happen.
I often let my guard down more than I should because I am a very trusting person. I think that in quite a lot of ways I am more open online that in person idk it sought of feel a bit safer (hard to explain but I hope you get what I mean.)
I think that letting my guard down could be a bit related to people pleasing like I am more likerly to share some information if it makes people happier.

I what of scared me about this most recent experience is that it happened slowly so it wasn't immediately obvious. However I thought that they were moving very fast particularly when they wanted to have a online sexual relationship which I had never even mentioned I wanted. That's when I came here and found that article and gave it a read. I felt so stupid that I had fallen into this trap even though in the article it says its not your fault. That is why my trust for people online has decreased and has made me a bit wary. I'm sorry for asking so many questions about sex and relationship kind of stuff the last few months I don't want you and everyone else to spend a disproportionate amount of your time on this site helping me when there are many other people who also want advice. I don't want to be a burden of your time. Am I straying outside the realm of what Scarleteen can help me with since this I suppose has been an ongoing issue? Don't want to be doing anything wrong.

[KierC]

There’s no need to apologize for asking for help here. You are not a burden. This is exactly what we’re here for, and we’re more than happy to talk with you whenever you have questions or need support. I’m just glad you’ve found us here!

I’m also glad you read that article and the part where it says it’s not your fault, because it really is not your fault. You’re not stupid for trusting people, and you’re not wrong for it either. It sounds like you had an awareness that they were moving fast, and it also sounds like you realized when it made you uncomfortable and you said something about it. When it comes to learning when to trust and when to share vs. not, and more generally just keeping yourself safe and comfortable, doing what you did by checking in with yourself, is a really, really important thing to do.

I think it’s fair and safe to be wary of sharing online, to be discerning! Something that may also be helpful to keep in mind is that you are the expert on yourself and your comfort, and you’re doing great by checking in with yourself on how you feel about any online interactions, and reminding yourself of online safety tips. You may find there are times and places online where it can be safe to share, like here! But it’s really all about your personal comfort and safety. How does that sound to you?

[CuteKitten]

Hi Kier,
thanks for your words, I doubt myself sometimes partically after that experience a few months ago . I am glad I can be open here and I do appreciate all the staff and volunteers here. Its a good point you made about you are the expert of yourself, and if something seems of its is worth checking with yourself.

[KierC]

You are so welcome. I am glad this is helpful!

It can definitely be easier said than done to just trust yourself and check in with yourself more often, and I totally hear you that the experience you had a few months ago makes it harder. I see it as a process where if you can slowly start reminding yourself of these things more, it can become a healthy habit. Know what I mean?

[CuteKitten]

Yea I understand what you mean. Btw I feel a lot safer in this sub after a recent incident. Basically someone posted some explicit material and the mod said to take it down but said it in a way that wasn't aggressive more of a reminder of the rules in the discord. I feel like if I had said something like I did in that other discord, I wouldn't be banned. It seems like people in this discord are more considerate.

I also want to make it clear that went I make comments about how supportive and wonderful everyone at Scarleteen is its not because of my people pleasing tenancies it because you have all genuinely helped me a lot. (Just didn't want you to think these comments weren't genuine)

[Latha]

Hi CuteKitten,

I’m glad you found a better community, and thank you for the compliments! Don’t worry, I think it was clear that you were genuine.