Struggling with my sexuality

[cheetoes]

Hi , i need a help, it's my first time asking on this site and even discussing about my sexuality online. (Im 19 )
I have been struggling with my sexuality for years. I identify myself as bi or sapphic or queer. I knew that im not 100% straight when i was like 12-13 yrs old, but i came out when i was 18 , i delayed my coming out due to imposter syndrome and i just had no idea how people would react to my coming out i think so. (Maybe internalized homo/biphobia or comphet has influenced that delay too). I have these nagging thoughts since last year about my sexuality (i had them before , but they weren't that bad )and they can be really annoying to deal with , i constantly seek reassurance that im actually queer and not faking it , even when i reassure myself , my brain is still doesn't satisfied enough and tells that im actually a straight girl that want to be cool (yeah i find queer women to be cool) , also because of that i have feeling that me being queer seems enjoyable , but it feels unbelivable.
Here is what i provide:
So, since early childhood i have been "fascinated" with women and have been infatuated with fictional women (i can't remember if i admired them or had crush on them) . When i was like 11-12 yrs i found out about lesbianism (or being wlw) and i was so fascinated with it, i would get addicted by watching yuri anime compilations and watching gay stories. And i even asked my mom can i apply to summer camp, bcs of those stories i have heard about. I would get sexual fantasies involving women and even sex dreams with them since i was 12 and when i woke up i wished it was real. I envy queer women sometimes and i remember looking at one lesbian couple being affectionate, i couldn't stop staring at them even when i shouldn't look at them bcs of privacy and i felt that i was nosy and i told to my classmate that i wish i had this too and that i was jealous and yearning. I liked my old friend at the age of 12-14 and it was pretty intense "friendship". It was blurry but i had signs of crush : following her everywhere even to the bathroom, my mood depended on her , for example her presence would make my mood so much better and i would see only her in class that was full of people and being very upset and concerned when she wasn't present at school, shyness (especially texting her) and eager to impress her, when she texted me i would giggle and kick my feet , she smelled nice ,i remember using her thighs as pillow and it felt heavenly .And my jealousy has damaged my intense friendship , i saw her with another girl being touchy and i was furious, then i swallowed and buried those feelings.
My recent gay experience happened to me few months ago. I saw one girl at the bar and i was so stunned , i became so shy ,flustered and even smiling when i saw her. My feelings were so obvious to my classmates (school trip) around me and they noticed . They teased me and i wasn't offended or uncomfortable, unlike they did with guys.
I think i had some feelings for fictional women (even if its infrequent) or for celebrities , but i had crushes on fictional men more and its makes me feel that im actually straight girl . Oh about straight label, for short time i have identified myself as "mostly straight" at 16-17 yrs. I used to say that "i prefer boys" but i would be very uncomfortable when a guy would fancy me or when people would assume about my dating future with guys, its strange , i love and i go feral over fictional men (no celebrities) and yet i have such a complicated relationship with real ones.
Even if i probably liked my childhood friend , even if there were crush signs , but i didnt wanted to be assumed that were couple or that he is my bf. For now i want a gf and not a bf. Even if i might be into men , but i would still want a gf.
I dont know which label suits me more. And thanks for reading this rant.

[maille]

Hi, cheetoes and welcome to the boards. I am so glad you are here!

I found a lot of this to be quite relatable, the delayed coming out because of imposter syndrome and oscillating between multiple labels in particular. I have found that the only 'qualification' to being gay for me is liking women. Do you think you that could be a mindset you are comfortable adopting?

On the topic of labels, I am not a huge fan. They can be really constricting. How is it possible we are supposed to box up such complex and powerful feelings into one or two words? Doing so might make us feel stuck, when in fact sexuality is ever changing and very fluid, as I am sure you have heard many times. However, some people see many pros to labeling their preferences. I had one user describe it as grounding recently. I can also see how they might make it easier to identify community.

After reading this, how important is it for you to have a label?

[cheetoes]

Hi, I just want to know my label and find my community . But i can see some labels being too restrictive , like label lesbian to me , but im not always super comfortable with bi label either because of assumptions. I know that being gay is liking same sex and not only about labels. But i also have another issue that sometimes its feels unbelievable that i would fall in love with another girl, i want a gf and yet its seems so unreachable , but i enjoy daydreaming and im yearning (i want it to happen , at very least once in my life) or its seems "too good to be true" for me and that im gonna end up with a boy anyway , even if im not comfortable with the idea of pursuing a boy or especially being pursued by one (for now , i think but i had that aversion for years)

[HannahP]

Hi cheetoes! I think you've identified some really good stuff here. I think that feelings of desire and yearning can be really helpful ways for us to figure out what we want and who we are. When you think about your desire to find a community, is that desire pointed towards a community that you know about and want to be a part of?

I think that wanting to be a part of a community of people like you is really understandable and an excellent goal. But I wonder if we can separate out your desire for community from your desire to find a label that fits not only who you are now but who you might be in the future. What I mean is, it sounds to me like you feel like you can't be a part of a community now because you haven't figured out your label yet and you can't figure out your label because you don't know what you'll want or have in the future. But maybe you don't need to know what kind of partner you'll end up with in order to find people you relate to. You know for sure now that you desire a relationship with a woman, that's great information — maybe you can look for others who also identify as desiring a relationship with a woman (regardless of how they feel about relationships with men) and see how you relate to them. Does that make sense? Do you think that would get at what your seeking and yearning for?

[cheetoes]

I kinda want to be part of community and i just want to understand myself more. I know that im not that straight and i can relate to sapphics (especially desires and yearning) . I have questioned my sexuality for years and im still figuring out , it feels so slow since i rarely have opportunities to explore my sexuality , i've never been in relationship , never had sex or anything , rarely have crushes and i only daydream about me being in relationship. Im kinda stuck on identifying as bi and lesbian , but now i decided to embrace more neutral or umbrella labels like sapphic or queer. I kinda blame social media for emphasis on labels , it feels restrictive and makes me feel alienated. And i blame my "what ifs"for preventing my coming out too and giving me doubts. For now i know that i want a gf or at very least engage in some activities with woman. I felt shame when i admitted that im into women (i was afraid that i might lying to myself and reaction from people that im not straight) and sometimes i feel shame when i have gay thoughts about women that i find attractive irl and even with fictional women i feel shame, idk whats so shameful about , maybe that i used to repress/downplay my attraction to women or that i grew up in heteronormative environment .

[Latha]

Hi Cheetoes,

Reading through your posts, I’m hearing a very clear desire to engage with community from you. If you would like, we can brainstorm some practical steps you could take for that together.

When you’re unsure and struggling with shame, I think it can feel like you have no right to make any serious claims about your identity, never mind participating in community with people who seem to know themselves much better. If it is any consolation, you are far from the first person to ask the question ‘Am I a lesbian or bisexual?, feel guilt over attraction, or find labels to be restrictive. Questioning like this is a very common experience for sapphic people, and for queer people more broadly. Understanding yourself is a process that happens over a lifetime, but the communities that you need have space for you as you are right now.

It’s okay to be unsure. If the pressure to decide on one label feels alienating, you don’t have to do it. Coming out is the start of a process of being true to yourself with other people, and letting them know you for who you are. It isn’t an oath that you are forbidden from breaking. You can change the language you use to describe yourself as many times as you want. You can question your identity, and try using new terms to see what fits. You can even choose how you’ll describe yourself based on context. I understand that it can seem like everyone just knows themselves and is completely secure in their identity, but it is actually really common for people develop a sense of who they are over time, and adjust the language they use to match.

I think you have the right idea about your feelings of shame. There is nothing shameful about being attracted to women, but many of us pick up a sense of shame from our environment. Freedom, experience, and time can go a long way towards dissipating these feelings, but it often also helps to be intentional about unlearning shame. I want to share two resources that might help with that. Would you look over them and tell us what you think?
Undoing Sexual Shame
How to Get Comfortable

[cheetoes]

Hi, im already had a lot of self reflection , but its been a year when i've started to question myself more seriously and deeply. Idk why but when my friend talked about her crush on a girl , it made me question myself more after i told her that i didnt had crush on anyone. Later i found out that i kinda had crush on my old friend when i was 12-14. I think i didnt had word for it and maybe limited exposure of representation had contributed to it. And its been a year when i started to educate myself even more than i did before (yeah i have questioned myself , but i think it wasn't deep enough i guess) , expose myself more to representation , consuming more wlw content and looking ton of subreddits and educational sites like where im writing rn. Later i did coming out , at first it was awkward , but my mom was ok and not hostile or dismissive. I think it was awkward because i was afraid of what hers reaction could be and afraid that i was lying to myself. Few months later i came out again , after i had fleeting attraction to one random girl at the bar (i have mentioned before) . Then i have started to be more comfortable with my sexuality . I still feel little bit of shame , but its not that bad now and i need more time to get comfortable. I still have imposter syndrome sometimes and those "what if"s , they annoy me so bad . And they make me doubt am i really into girls? Or i just want to feel special?
It drives me crazy how some people treat sexual identities of women , woman is married to another woman and still be called as friends or roommates , but when man just being affectionate and vulnerable to his friend they would be called gay. I even cried when someone said that i might change my mind and turn back to being straight , like no i dont want that and it made me very sad. And it felt like destroying or erasing of what i've builded my identity. And led me to question are my experiences real? Or im just delusional?

[amber]

Hi cheetoes,
I read through your post and can definitively relate to this idea of claiming a label and fighting feeling like an imposter. One thing that really helps me is remembering their is no one who grants permission to identify as a lesbian, bisexual, sapphic, or any other label. There is also no situation or set of experiences that acts as a prerequisite to identifying as anything. You, just like anyone, are allowed to claim these words as they are helpful to you instead of trying to push yourself to fit perfectly into the definition of a label that someone else uses.

It also seems to me like, at least at this moment in time, you are not interested in relationships with men. That sentiment is valid whether or not you feel romantic/sexual attraction to men or not! Although sexuality is not something we control, your thoughts and feelings are something you deserve to acknowledge and honor. Sexuality is not as straight forward as we like to paint it as being, and even though it can certainly be frustrating I also find a lot of comfort in that and think you can too! Queer history might bring you comfort as well, as a lot of rigid boxes today would seem silly to queer folks decades ago.

I would be happy to keep chatting about your anxiety surrounding all this, and I encourage you to challenge some of those 'imposter' fears by claiming something that feels good to you in the moment! How does that sound?

[cheetoes]

Hi, i know that labels can be restrictive and i can just be unlabled. And i know that attraction isn't something i can control and that im valid to be with someone regardless of their gender. But i have another issue, i have very different reaction with men and women, it concerns me a lot.
So, with women i have desires , fantasies about them and i have attraction to women and i want a gf. But with men its more complicated , i find the idea of me getting a bf sounds unsettling and something that i dont want to do rn. I love fictional men , i adore them , but with real men i tend to be very picky, hypercritical and somewhat paranoid. I think that straight culture made me hate that idea . I feel sick or wanna cry when a guy likes me (im uncomfortable with guys perceiving me in romantic or sexual way , but i can be friends with them and have no problems) and i hated when people would push heteronormative ideas on me and especially i really hated when people would set me up with a guy , but with girls i would be intrigued or tolerated at worst. And im waiting for opportunity rn to meet new people and i know what i want for now , but im scared what if i would end up with a bf instead of gf that i yearn badly. And i interact with men and women different in friendships too. With women im very playful and sexual (maybe romantic too) person and tend to be easily more vulnerable and comfortable, i think i was flirty too... But with men im more platonic and not sexual person and i rarely get very comfortable and im not very playful (with one i treated him like my female friends , i knew him since i was child and we had so much in common) and i get weirded out when guys are playful or teasing or flirty with me. I tried to pick lesbian or bisexual label and i ended up deciding to label myself as sapphic , because it makes sense for me rn.

[Anya]

Hey cheetoes,

I think that this post, and a lot of the feelings you mention here are so relatable. It's totally normal to have differing levels of attraction to different people due to things like age, height, behavior, and yes, gender. These things are also pretty much bound to change over time, leaving us kinda at the mercy of our present preferences, even if they differ from past or future ones. Like Amber and others here have noted, the choice to label, and with what words you use, is completely up to you.

The thing about stressing about this stuff is that although our brains try to trick us into thinking if we just keep downward spiralling about not knowing we'll, eventually "realize" our "true" identity, putting extra pressure on yourself to figure everything out actually doesnt really change our situation all that often. You're gonna like who you like, and if labels, people, attractions, and fantasies change, morph, and shift over time, I can confidently say you are well within the majority in experiencing this.

From just reading your posts, it does seem like this situation is causing quite a bit of anxiety or stress for you, and if that's the case, I wonder what might happen if you asked yourself some questions. Questions like, "What is the worst part of not knowing how to deal with all of this?", "Why does this feel so urgent?", "What could happen if I don't figure this out right now?" I think you might find that some of the answers to these questions contradict what you know to be true, like feeling like you have to figure it out because "everybody else knows" or "i'd know how to react/treat other people", when in reality, no one has everything figured out, and you already engage with others the way youre "supposed to", by just listening to your body and mind when your have attractions, preferences, or dislikes. That is your sexuality already at work!

When I have experienced moments like this, and it might sound silly, but honestly, a fake it till you make it mindset does kinda work better than you might think. Labels, no matter what you use, don't change our brains. Our brains are gonna change and grow on their own, and labels are just there to help make sense of the mess.

Here's an article of ours on labels I would really recommend you give a look: Straight, Gay, and Everything in Between

And here's an advice column on the doubting feeling I see coming up here I Already Came Out, But I Doubt my Sexuality Every Day

[cheetoes]

Hi, i read that reply and articles . And i found them relatable and quite helpful. Yeah i agree that body can give hints and help to find out my sexuality , i have mentioned before about some of my attractions . And "fake it till you make it" sounds interesting. And "Why does this feel so urgent?" thats a good question . Maybe my yearning has made it worse idk , i mean i really want to have a gf or something casual idc , i just want to be with a girl rn .

[amber]

Hi again!

I am so glad the articles Anya shared have proven helpful. I also want to echo what they said about you not being alone - I can totally relate to this feeling of hesitancy when it comes to dating men (even though I am attracted to them). Due to my personal past experiences, and the fact we live in patriarchal societies, I try to give myself grace for the complicated feelings I feel surrounding relationships with men. I would be happy to chat more about this if it seems relatable.

What I can see is that you know what you want which is great! In this moment it is awesome that you feel confidence in your desire for a girlfriend and hopefully that confidence can help alleviate some of your anxieties surrounding labeling yourself and such.

[cheetoes]

Hi, maybe im saying this again or not , but i have another question.
Why does that possibility of me ending up with a guy sounds sad to me? I felt dread when people start to talk abt straight relationships , especially when i was in highschool. At first i was ok with it . But later i would get really uncomfortable bcs people would try to set me up with a guy or asking questions like "what kind of boys you like?" and i said respectful ones ig and it felt forced. Or "Hey look he is handsome, isn't he?" and i said he looks ok ig (to not upset them) , i remember in that conversation that they said "Do you want to talk to him?" or similar questions like that and i said no and i remember that i felt uncomfortable.Also i get really uncomfortable when someone implies that "oh he probably likes you" and i would get sick or feel threatened . And the worst for me is being set up with some guys. Since i was young i really hated it, maybe it has to do with violating boundaries , however with girls i would be curious/intrigued or tolerate at worst.

The worst case of it was year ago. I was set up with one guy , at first he looked alright and even said that oh is kinda nice looking and my mom was shocked that i said it , bcs i never said it to any guy (ok my childhood friend was attractive too but i never said it explicitly and im not blind) . But that impression aged like milk , bcs when i had conversations and i somehow brought up abt gay rights in his birth country and he said the most dumbest shit i have ever heard in my life (he said about gay men wanting to sleep with men to feel like a woman and vice versa) , i thought "wtf are you talking about? ok noted im not talking about this again " , i said to him "ok im a man then" . I thought he was little weird (and he was little weird with female classmates) and maybe i should try to get him know better , then i found out that we have nothing in common at all. Few weeks later after me being friendly with him and talking to him mostly and i suddenly i got an ick and started to find him icky, i would find myself nitpicking this guy a lot and avoiding him... My classmates would set me up with him and i hated it (i would say "not enough connection" , "i just want to be friends" "i just want to get him know better" or saying to stop pls ), and i even tried to imagine myself being in relationship with him and it felt off. And few months later i didnt even wanted to look at him , i would find him icky a lot and hated to look at his face. (i dont look at faces for different reasons, when i dislike someone or stranger or idk tbh why) . I even said "ewww" when i had to sit next to him. However , im capable of making friends regardless of their gender.

I didnt always had negative experiences with men. I had one guy that i would get too comfortable with him, i knew him since i was child, but even if i had some signs of crush, i still didnt wanted to be perceived as boyfriend and girlfriend , but later i would be more less ok.
I had fictional crushes on men and they even outnumber my crushes on women and nb folks (thats one of reasons why i struggle with sexuality ,i would get nagging thoughts like "what if im actually straight girl, that wants to feel special") , they're attractive and cute and they're also safe. My fictional crushes on them were pretty intense, i would get really possessive about them when i was younger. I was so against on crushing on men irl (and even on celebrities too) , so i even flexed abt me not wanting guys irl and saying that fictional guys are so pretty. I fantasize about them and im thinking maybe men arent that bad at all, but i when i would think about actual possibility i would think "nope not right now"

Right now i want a gf (i did daydream about me being with women before i came out and i thought that coming out would be probably inevitable)and i wish that would happen sooner . And i hope that my wish wont be misdirected, not getting a bf by accident (i know its sounds ridiculous)

[Anya]

Hey cheetoes,

I hope it's ok, I had to break up your post a bit for readability.

At the top of your most recent post, you ask the question, "Why does that possibility of me ending up with a guy sound sad to me?" and instead of me answering this for you, I want to ask you a question back. I'm curious why it holds so much importance for you that you feel this way? Or in other words, does it really matter why it feels sad?

If you are interested in creating romantic bonds or relationships with mainly women, I think that's great, and you should do that when you get the chance! So, why so much focus on the men you keep saying you're not really into rn? All of your feelings around this, as confusing as they may seem, are valid and real. I just think that it's worth taking a moment to settle in how you feel right now and, maybe not forever, but for now, just run with it. It's impossible to know the future; where you'll be and how you'll feel, but I do think that it seems like you do know what you want, and if so, I wouldn't worry about what you don't want right now, I'd focus on what you do.

I hope I didn't overstep. I'm only choosing to ask you these questions because I do believe in you to trust yourself and know what's right for you in this moment. All we can really plan for is the present. Trust your feelings and know that your mind and body is pretty darn good at letting you know what you do and don't like, it's just about listening to it. Again, those feelings and preferences may change over time, but everything just gets a little easier when we really listen to our needs.

How do you feel about this?

[cheetoes]

Why im so focused on men , even if im not interested in rn ? Maybe it has to do that people for entire life have bombarded me with heteronormative messages or maybe comphet is beating my ass again. I never liked those heteronormative expectations and gender roles are often very problematic to me and never made sense. I have been told that im confused or its phase and would go back to being straight , it made me very upset. I have no idea if im bi or lesbian, bcs am i dont like men , just because of that (i know not all men are bad , but im just not interested to pursue one) or i just dont like them at all. You're right i need to focus on what im interested in, i tend to overthink and being anxious person. I try my best to expose myself with queer content and representation to get more comfortable with my sexuality.

[Latha]

Hi Cheetoes,

Here is a question: Imagine yourself living a life where you simply are a lesbian — one where no one expects you to be in a heterosexual relationship, and you can focus solely on relationships with women. How would that feel to you?

I think your explanation for why you’ve been feeling focused on men makes a lot of sense — when you’ve constantly received messages that say you can’t be trusted to know your own feelings or understand your sexuality, it is understandable that you would internalise doubt. But if you don’t like men, are not interested in pursuing them, and thinking of yourself in a relationship with a man makes you feel bad, you don’t really need to ask the question ‘Am I bi or lesbian?’. As it stands right now, you can only act on what you know you want, and that is your attraction to women.

P.S. Though it’s from an article of ours that is focused on bisexuality, I do love this affirmation for doubts around sexuality: my sexuality belongs to me, it is what I feel or say it is. How I identify can change as I grow older, but whatever it is now is what it is.

[cheetoes]

Hi, id like to be lesbian , if no one expects me to be in hetero relationship and pursue only women sounds good to me. But idk if im lesbian or bi with astronomically high standards for men. I dont find lot of men attractive (and male celebrities too , i never understood that craze about them) and tend to nitpick them a lot for ridiculous reasons. But with women its other story, i find women more attractive , its easier to spot a hot woman that makes me feel flustered and makes me melt . Even average girl would be attractive than average guy to me . I don't often have crushes on them or those feelings , but i do daydream about them a lot and i do have desire to act on irl. And i feel i cant call myself a lesbian , because i love fictional men , i mean i have crushes on them. I find them attractive and once i talked to my friend and i said something like "damn i would be a slut if guys looked like [name of fictional man that i was down bad for] " ( i identified as mostly straight when i said that ) .

[KierC]

Hi Cheetoes!

So, it sounds like you’re primarily attracted to women, but I hear you that you feel like you can’t identify as a lesbian because you find some fictional men attractive. It is okay to find fictional men attractive! There’s a big difference between reality and fantasy, and fantasies don’t always align with what we enjoy and want in real life. So, it is entirely possible to identify as a lesbian and experience fantasies like that. How does hearing that make you feel?

To your point about being a “slut” if more men looked like a fictional character, I want to gently invite you to consider how using the word “slut,” particularly in a negative way, might impact the folks who read/hear it. Used as a negative, the word “slut” is just an unhelpful and harmful way to describe someone who’s had sex. Know what I mean?

[cheetoes]

Hi, my bad for using that word. But i have another question. How to find out if im actually into women or im into the idea of them and thinking that being straight is boring ? Like all of this stuff i have wrote here about my experiences , are they real? ( yes i keep questioning even after i wrote a lot of clarity) Im so confused about this (yes my thoughts can twist about my self)... I have tried to call myself straight, it didnt felt right and im even get offended when someone calls me like that (cuz i dont think thats me and being only into guys sounds sad and boring to me) and makes me feel dread ,like its dysphoria or something . I have questioned my gender and ended up not caring about my gender identity that much . Ok but abt bi and lesbian label i have decided to go as sapphic or sometimes as bi (sometimes i get comfortable with bi )

[KierC]

Hey, it’s all good! I know it was intended lightly, just wanted to note that for the future.

To answer your question, this might sound a little silly or too simple, but the way you find out if you’re actually interested in women is to try and see! Meeting women, getting to know them, seeing if you have any budding interest in hanging out more, and seeing if any feelings of desire or arousal pop up.. that’s a good way to see if you’re interested in women. How does that sound to you?

You know, from reading your posts, your experiences sound very real. It sounds like being called straight doesn’t feel good, and the idea of it doesn’t feel good either. Honestly, your decision to go as sapphic sometimes and bi sometimes sounds wonderful! And I really appreciate that you feel comfortable with bi sometimes and not other times. Sexual identity is one of those things that’s hard to pin down sometimes, and it’s okay if you feel differently at different times. If sapphic feels good for you, then that’s good! And if some days, you feel like you want to use different words to describe yourself, that’s also good! How does hearing that make you feel?